Author: Christopher Glotfelty (Page 6 of 17)

Dancing with the Stars 9.15 — Round Seven Results Show

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The competition actually feels like its winding down. Two celebrities will make their exit tonight and I appreciate the efficiency. With his usual partner Lacey Schwimmer out with the flu, Mark Dacascos and Anna Trebunskaya couldn’t deliver last night. Sadly, Mark’s stint is probably done on this show. After the first elimination, the couples with the next lowest scores will compete in a dance-off to determine who stays.

Michael vs. Kelly? I think “yes.”

I’m not really into the group dances. I’d rather just listen to the great music and have the pros flail around for two or three minutes. This group tango from last night was well done, but it’s still fresh in our minds. At least put them in a ring of fire, or something.

Who is Colbie Caillat? I’m sure her band needs those three guitars. All that simple ornamentation just screams “bad.” I think musicians like Caillat and Taylor Swift should ditch the bands. A single acoustic guitar can go a long way.

The only thing more useless than Colbie Callait’s backing band just took the stage. It’s “Dancing with the Star’s” own Mark Ballas and Derek Hough, performing as the singing duo Ballas Hough.

So this is what sewage sounds like. I thought this type of crap died with the Backstreet Boys in the horrific Boy Band Genocide of 2002. I was wrong. This song should play at Osama bin Laden’s funeral.

Rod Stewart, as I live and breathe. Although he’s one of the older rockers that should have hung it up a long time ago, he’s obviously done some great work in his time. Take a listen to The Jeff Beck Group’s “Beck-Ola” if you want to hear Stewart in all his raspy glory.

Ha! Michael Irvin was just eliminated and he cited his hard work on the show as inspiration to help those struggling in this economy. I love it.

Now Aaron Carter will face Mark Dacascos in a dance-off to determine tonight’s final elimination. Carter is going to flip out if he loses, causing many seconds of uncomfortable air time.

Dance-off

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer (cha cha)

Nope. Again, Mark didn’t do enough dancing. I don’t know what the actual steps are to this dance, but it just seemed like he did cartwheels the entire time.

Of course, the judges thought it was great.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (jive)

Honestly, Aaron Carter doesn’t deserve to be in this position. Kelly Osbourne hasn’t impressed the judges in weeks, yet America keeps giving her votes. I don’t get it.

Nevertheless, he just topped his performance from last night.

The judges are going with Carter.

Dancing with the Stars 9.14 — Round Seven

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This blog was recently voted “Blog Least Likely to Inspire Anyone to Enter the Dancing Profession” and I have to say that, although I gave myself the award, the recognition is well-deserved. For three hours each week (including the results show), I plop myself in front of the TV and am reaffirmed that I will never learn how to dance. Aaron Carter — who has a frightening dedication to this show — is now in the seventh week. He still isn’t all that great. I couldn’t spend two months on a new hobby without seeing much progress. Like mastering chess or completing Guitar Hero, life is too short to waste time on certain things. (I apologize to all future Bobby Fischers and professional gamers everywhere.) Put me in a ballroom dancing class and I’m the guy leaving in a huff because he keeps tripping over his own feet.

Do I like dancing? Yes I do — after four shots of Jameson with Paul Simon on the juke box, which is surrounded by hip-looking girls in leggings. Can I dance? Of course I can — in my own mind. My feet usually receive the messages three steps too late. However, what this produces is a dance so bad and inappropriate that it is spectacular. So why learn to ballroom dance, when I’m already perfect at dancing horribly? Exactly.

Lord knows I’ll meet a woman who demands I learn the waltz, bolero, and Argentine tango. When that day comes, I’ll be on “Dancing with Stars.”

And now, your favorite blog about this show…

I should probably make some predictions because, I don’t know, that’s what people do who watch these types of show. I think Mya, Joanna, Donny, and Mark make the final four.

Couples

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (fox trot)

I have no clue what the fox trot looks like, but I’m just going to assume that Michael Irvin can’t do it properly. Viewers must really like the guy. The judges are complimenting his dance. I must be looking for something else. I’ll focus more on his footwork next week.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (quick step)

Aside from the one moment where Donny looked at his feet, I thought he did fine. His dances are always more articulate than most of his competition and I hope the viewers recognize that. He combines entertainment and accuracy, so he deserves to advance.

Mark Dacascos with Anna Trebunskaya (samba)

Unfortunately, Lacey is out with the flu, so he’s dancing with Anna Trebunskaya on short notice. This might not go so well.

Yawn. Why didn’t Mark do any dancing? He couldn’t get in rhythm and was visibly nervous out there. Every time a celebrity has to dance with a different partner, the performance suffers. If he survives elimination, he’ll need Lacey back.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (fox trot)

They did a great job. I don’t know why Len is so hard on Mya — it almost feels contrived. My guess is, she continues to dissatisfy Len for the remaining rounds. Then, in the finals, he gives her a perfect score.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (jive)

I hope Aaron pulls this off so we don’t have to see him break down in a puddle of his own tears. Damn. He finally performed an entertaining dance. I don’t know where he found all that energy, but it worked.

They just got a score of 29.

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (salsa)

The past few weeks, Kelly has freaked out while practicing. When she doesn’t let loose, she maims the dance. From what we saw in the package, this salsa shouldn’t be any different.

I didn’t expect her to do this well. She looks less rigid during the upbeat dances.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (rumba)

Something is always lacking in her dances that I just can’t pinpoint. She turns the focus solely on her and I’m not sure it works to her advantage. Although she memorizes the steps, her performances tend to put me to sleep, despite her hotness.

Teams

Couples will be grouped into teams and either perform the paso doble or the tango. The score will then be combined with that of their dances from earlier in the night.

Paso Doble
(Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova, Mark Dacascos with Anna Trebunskaya, Mya with Dmitry Chaplin, Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff)

Only half of this dance looked in sync. They kept the intensity up and stayed in character the entire time, so the other team will have to match that in their performance. Mya easily stole the show.

That goatee looks ridiculous on Aaron.

Tango
(Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson, Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel, Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough)

Man, they slayed the other team. Both their solos and group parts were fun to watch. I can’t recall one moment where things got sloppy.

Two couples are finished tomorrow.

Curb Your Enthusiasm 7.7 — The Black Swan

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Over the years, Larry has done some pretty heinous things to other people, but “The Black Swan” takes his antagonism a whole a new level. With his selfish behavior, Larry manages to create at least five new enemies per episode. In the real world, Larry would be a full-fledged sociopath, but life in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is a bit more forgiving. Still, I can’t recall an episode where Larry indirectly killed anyone. In “The Black Swan,” our imperfect Larry has his hand in not one, but two deaths.

Fans have expressed disappointment with this season, saying recent episodes are too absurd. While I think absurdity sometimes comes off as lazy, it works for “Curb.” The ending of “The Bare Midriff” was completely unexpected, which was welcoming. That said, “The Black Swan” is a throwback to “Curb’s” early seasons. The story lines toy with legitimate social norms. That’s always been Larry’s forte, but he also manages to keep everything grounded in “The Black Swan” without going over the top.

While visiting his mother’s grave with his father and cousin, Larry finds the “passed away” spelt as “past away.” Apparently, his father didn’t want to pay the extra 100 bucks for the other letters. Larry, for all his misgivings, does seem to adore his family. He wants to hire a stonemason to have it fixed.

Down the street, Larry and his cousin, Andy, meet Jeff and Funkhouser at the country club. Larry instructs his table to order quickly because the slowest players have just sat down for breakfast. Larry doesn’t want to be stuck behind Norm and his group on the course. Everyone agrees, except Andy, who wants crispy onions. In the midst of some arguing, Larry gets a call from his father, causing everybody to stare. Mr. Takahashi, the owner, informs Larry that cell phones aren’t allowed in the clubhouse. He gives Larry a final warning.

While Andy is still working on his onions, Norm’s table gets up to play. Funkhouser gives Andy some grief and I think it’s the first time he’s ever cursed on this show. When the waiter drops off the bill, the audience knows Larry is going to take issue with something. This is third episode this season where tipping is used as a plot device. In “The Black Swan,” Larry doesn’t want to acknowledge the additional tip when an 18 percent tip is already included. The waiter doesn’t understand. I do. We all do.

On the course, Norm is taking forever. Larry tells him to move it along and they get into an argument. Andy just had to order those onions.

In the locker room, a member of Norm’s group confronts Larry. Norm has died, supposedly because of his argument with Larry. Norm had high blood pressure and his confrontation with Larry was all too much.

Larry: It’s not my fault that he had a heart attack.
Friend: Did you even know him?
Larry: Somewhat.
Friend: Did you even like him — at all?
Larry: No, I thought he was a prick.

Back at Larry’s house, he, his dad, and Andy and his wife are having dinner. Larry wants to put Andy and Cassie’s daughter through college. They are floored. Larry receives a call from the stone mason. The conversation starts out pleasant but soon becomes an argument over the validity of Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter’s career. For the record, Jeter deserves all the praise. Larry was right.

The next day, the golf course is empty out of respect for Norm’s passing. Larry and the others, however, use it as opportunity to get in a round. On the 12th hole, the site of Norm’s death, Larry shanks a shot. It lands down by the pond where the swans live, including Mr. Takahashi’s prized black swan, Kyoko. While setting up his next shot, Kyoko flies at Larry like a dart. Scared out of his wits, Larry murders the swan with one of his irons. The group decides to bury the bird.

While discussing the killing in the dining room, Jeff notices two gardeners wheeling something covered down a path. Mr. Takahashi walks up to the barrel and finds the dead body of Kyoko. Within a minute, an attendant tells the table to go to Mr. Takahashi’s office.

In what is the funniest scene of the episode, Takahashi grills each member of Larry’s group. Surprisingly, nobody lets the cat out of the bag.

Unfortunately, Andy spilled the beans to his wife. After Larry refuses to pay for her to attend cosmetology school, she calls him out for being a “swan killer.” In turn, he threatens to destroy her hats (Cassie designs stupid cowboy hats) if she spreads this information. This was the scene that didn’t really work for me. Larry had already agreed to pay for their daughter’s college. Nobody would ask the same person for a nice and expensive gesture days after that person already paid them a very nice and expensive gesture. Honestly, some of the people in the world of “Curb” are worse than Larry.

Despite the accusations of “murder,” Larry attends Norm’s wake. He runs into Funkhouser and they begin to talk about each other’s parents. Larry doesn’t believe you should have to introduce everyone to everyone under certain circumstances, so Funkhouser leaves the person standing next to him out of their conversation. That person happens to be Ed, the stonemason. As Larry recounts his conversation with the stonemason about Derek Jeter, Ed hears Larry call him a “moron” and an “asshole.” Not good.

Larry shows Funkhouser a frantic email Jeff has sent him. Jeff wants to come clean about the whole swan deal. Everybody takes their seats as the wake begins. Larry’s cell phone immediately disrupts the proceedings, causing ire in Mr. Takahashi. Not wanting to get caught, Larry tosses his cell phone aside.

Larry’s cell phone is later returned by the waiter from earlier. He compliments Larry’s Blackberry, particularly the way one can easily scroll through emails. Larry thinks the waiter saw what Jeff wrote. Thus, at their next meal in the clubhouse, Larry gives the waiter a $500 additional tip as a way of saying “keep your mouth shut.”

At Norm’s burial, Mr. Takahashi compliments Larry on giving the waiter such a large tip. Takahashi has come to the conclusion that someone so “generous” would never kill his beloved black swan. Putting the past behind them, they begin to chat like old friends. Larry still needs to check out his mother’s redone headstone, so Takahashi accompanies him since the clubhouse is right down the road.

The stonemason is just finishing up when they reach the gravesite. He’s wearing one of Cassie’s silly hats. The bottom of the headstone reads: Mother of Larry, an asshole and swan killer.

Cassie told.

WitStream is the comedian’s answer to Twitter

Michael Ian Black

I understand that Twitter is a cultural phenomenon, but for one reason or another, I don’t have one. Maybe it’s because none of my friends use the service either, I don’t know. However, do I really want to know what my friends are doing every half hour? I’ve known most of them for years and, judging by that familiarity, they maybe experience one exciting moment per week on average, if that. Thus, I use my $15 cell phone, or my email, or I surprise them by knocking on their door (nobody does this anymore).

So, if people aren’t following the minutia of their friends’ lives on Twitter, who are they actually following? The company is supposedly valued at over $1 billion, so somebody is using the damn thing.

The service would have never blown up without celebrities, many of whom have millions of followers. In a way, Twitter is becoming the MySpace of micro-blogging. Companies use the service as a vehicle to advertise their products and celebrities use it as a vehicle to advertise themselves. The only “social networking” really happening is when users comment, most often on celebrities’ accounts. In the end, everybody is selling something. This isn’t a bad thing, but it’s just proof that Twitter is more of a giant billboard board than a worldwide chat room. Perhaps that was their ulterior motive. For companies, Twitter is a wonderful and free promotional tool.

Since Twitter is a powerful social amalgam of celebrities, companies, and people like you, there is obviously a ton of junk flying around their site. In response, Twitter has a new “lists” feature, which allows users to organize accounts by various categories. While this should clean things up a bit, users are still on the mother site, and will undoubtedly encounter unwanted information.

Lisa Cohen is attempting to capitalize on this idea of categorizing. She has partnered with the hilarious Michael Ian Black to create WitStream, a social networking site exclusive to comedians.

Per The Comic’s Comic:

They’re all representative of the kinds of funny people WitStream wants to be in business with, sharing short bits of comedy and starting dialogues. The launch press release noted that “founding contributors” also included Rainn Wilson, Al Yankovic, Mike Birbiglia and Rob Corddry, and mentioned that Black would be leaving behind his 1.36 million Twitter followers @michaelianblack, hopefully bringing them with him over to the new site.

The site also spotlights each member with a profile page that includes a bio, schedule for upcoming live shows, and pages for them to share videos, reviews and sell merchandise.

What about Twitter?

“One of my many problems is the double-edged sword that is Twitter,” she said. “It’s the quickest way to describe what I’m doing and what micro-blogging is. On the other hand, there are people who hate Twitter and won’t go on it. I have comics who go on WitStream and love it and they won’t go on Twitter. Twitter has this code. It has its own little language with the hashtags. It’s not very friendly to non-users. If you don’t speak that language — I think by creating threaded responses, it allows people to read it so you’re not hashtagging. It’s an easier introduction to the medium.”

That’s where Cohen feels WitStream can help. “I’m bascially the filter in between the creators and the audience,” she said. “With Twitter, people like it because it’s democratic. People have the same rights and the same tools. Not everybody in the world is as talented enough to broadcast and to publish. I think people are finding the same thing with YouTube. Everybody has come around to, it’s too much, there’s too much crap out there. I don’t know how to dive in. We’re the Funny or Die is to YouTube as Witstream is to Twitter.”

Of course, the comedians will post updates of their upcoming appearances and promote their CDs. The main appeal, however, is that followers will be able to read the humorous thoughts of some of their favorite comedians. Isn’t that really why people read Twitter — to be entertained?

Dancing with the Stars 9.13 — Round Six Results Show

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The 2009-10 NBA season kicked off tonight, so I was at odds with how to schedule my television viewing. Do I watch my beloved Lakers and record the latest installment of “Dancing with the Stars?” Of course, that would mean posting my popular recap hours after the show’s completion. I hate depriving my rabid fan base of high school girls, everyday wives, complacent husbands, and troubled bachelors of my ill-informed thoughts. Or do I switch back and forth between basketball and dance, punching away without direction or composure, so all can devour the review before bedtime? Or do I even revert to Option C and actually record the basketball game, in order to devote my full attention to ABC’s hit show while the night is young? I could always watch the game in the wee hours. Better yet, I could simply check The Scores Report — a website with fantastic writers — to get my fill of NBA news and analysis.

Well, it’s midnight and I’m just now getting to this post. Looking at the title, I obviously won’t be discussing the Lakers. Something happens to the male brain after 12 AM. Whiskey, guitars, friends, women, and Pringles are the only things I want in my vicinity. If these delicacies are unattainable, I just want my bed. And guess what I’m next to right now? My bed, and she looks lovely. Writing, or writing about “Dancing with the Stars” rather, is not my current idea of fun. I really should be outside typing on a rock, just so I don’t fall asleep.

Nothing says procrastination like spending two paragraphs off-topic. For the love of God, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

Supposedly, two celebrities will be knocked out tonight. I really hope it’s Michael Irvin and Melissa Joan Hart. I never look forward to their routines. I can handle the others.

Hey, hey, hey. Taylor Swift is the musical guest tonight and she’s looking very pretty with her shame-inducing youthfulness. Taylor Swift is the kind of female celebrity that normal guys think, I bet she’ll grow up to be a class act. I think she would like me if I got the chance to meet her. She’d go out with me. Yeah, she seems nice. Wrong. Taylor Swift will be married to one of those vampires from “Twilight” in less than two years. Don’t be the guy who sits at home in his boxers listening to her latest album (which was downloaded illegally), wondering what could have been.

When you’re craving a date with your pillow, listening to Cuban music is not enjoyable in the slightest. I didn’t catch the name of the band, but really, am I going to buy the record? I’m not going to tell my friend Dave, “Hey Dave, guess what I saw last night — this amazing Cuban band. No, not in person. I actually caught them on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ No, it’s not weird that I watch it.” As a musician, I love the syncopated rhythms of Latin music. I just can’t handle them right now.

Taylor Swift is on stage performing “Love Story,” a song so ubiquitous a schlub such as myself knows most of the words.

Melissa Joan Hart is going home. She seems like a nice lady, but I’ll never forget when she was all the rage on Nickelodeon. Now, Louie/Chelsea and Michael/Anna will compete in some sort of “dance off” to determine who stays.

Dance Off

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (samba)

Michael Irvin always brings the excitement. The problem is, he seems like any other clueless male out there. This dance was no different. He just doesn’t have any technique. He always settles for a simplified routine and I hope the judges don’t let him off the hook.

Louie Vito with Chelsea Hightower (jive)

Louie Vito, on the other hand, packs plenty of content into each of his dances. He focuses on the steps and works well with his partner. I doubt Louie will make it past Round Seven, but judging by his performance tonight, he deserves another chance.

I don’t understand why the judges went with Michael Irvin. Even Len Goodman, who is a stickler for technique, didn’t pick Louie.

Don’t worry about it, Louie. America didn’t even know who you were two months ago.

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