117795_0406_pre

The 2009-10 NBA season kicked off tonight, so I was at odds with how to schedule my television viewing. Do I watch my beloved Lakers and record the latest installment of “Dancing with the Stars?” Of course, that would mean posting my popular recap hours after the show’s completion. I hate depriving my rabid fan base of high school girls, everyday wives, complacent husbands, and troubled bachelors of my ill-informed thoughts. Or do I switch back and forth between basketball and dance, punching away without direction or composure, so all can devour the review before bedtime? Or do I even revert to Option C and actually record the basketball game, in order to devote my full attention to ABC’s hit show while the night is young? I could always watch the game in the wee hours. Better yet, I could simply check The Scores Report — a website with fantastic writers — to get my fill of NBA news and analysis.

Well, it’s midnight and I’m just now getting to this post. Looking at the title, I obviously won’t be discussing the Lakers. Something happens to the male brain after 12 AM. Whiskey, guitars, friends, women, and Pringles are the only things I want in my vicinity. If these delicacies are unattainable, I just want my bed. And guess what I’m next to right now? My bed, and she looks lovely. Writing, or writing about “Dancing with the Stars” rather, is not my current idea of fun. I really should be outside typing on a rock, just so I don’t fall asleep.

Nothing says procrastination like spending two paragraphs off-topic. For the love of God, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

Supposedly, two celebrities will be knocked out tonight. I really hope it’s Michael Irvin and Melissa Joan Hart. I never look forward to their routines. I can handle the others.

Hey, hey, hey. Taylor Swift is the musical guest tonight and she’s looking very pretty with her shame-inducing youthfulness. Taylor Swift is the kind of female celebrity that normal guys think, I bet she’ll grow up to be a class act. I think she would like me if I got the chance to meet her. She’d go out with me. Yeah, she seems nice. Wrong. Taylor Swift will be married to one of those vampires from “Twilight” in less than two years. Don’t be the guy who sits at home in his boxers listening to her latest album (which was downloaded illegally), wondering what could have been.

When you’re craving a date with your pillow, listening to Cuban music is not enjoyable in the slightest. I didn’t catch the name of the band, but really, am I going to buy the record? I’m not going to tell my friend Dave, “Hey Dave, guess what I saw last night — this amazing Cuban band. No, not in person. I actually caught them on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ No, it’s not weird that I watch it.” As a musician, I love the syncopated rhythms of Latin music. I just can’t handle them right now.

Taylor Swift is on stage performing “Love Story,” a song so ubiquitous a schlub such as myself knows most of the words.

Melissa Joan Hart is going home. She seems like a nice lady, but I’ll never forget when she was all the rage on Nickelodeon. Now, Louie/Chelsea and Michael/Anna will compete in some sort of “dance off” to determine who stays.

Dance Off

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (samba)

Michael Irvin always brings the excitement. The problem is, he seems like any other clueless male out there. This dance was no different. He just doesn’t have any technique. He always settles for a simplified routine and I hope the judges don’t let him off the hook.

Louie Vito with Chelsea Hightower (jive)

Louie Vito, on the other hand, packs plenty of content into each of his dances. He focuses on the steps and works well with his partner. I doubt Louie will make it past Round Seven, but judging by his performance tonight, he deserves another chance.

I don’t understand why the judges went with Michael Irvin. Even Len Goodman, who is a stickler for technique, didn’t pick Louie.

Don’t worry about it, Louie. America didn’t even know who you were two months ago.