Author: Christopher Glotfelty (Page 8 of 17)

Dancing with the Stars 9.10 — Round Five

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My hometown team just suffered an excruciating loss to the Philadelphia Phillies. This day started out wonderful and now I’m contemplating turning on the heater, sipping some Jameson, putting on a Sam Cooke record, and drifting off to sleep. I’m depressed and I need a remedy. Should I turn to “Dancing with the Stars” for support? Of course I shouldn’t, but it’s about to get started so I have no choice.

I have very little patience right now. Now that I’m familiar with the show, I seriously doubt that Aaron Carter is going to raise my spirits. Len Goodman better be funny and Joanna Krupa better be wearing something illegal. Ladies and gentleman, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

Team Dances

Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo (paso doble)

Is someone watching over me? Natalie Couglin is the first dance of the night! To whoever pulls the strings: thank you.

Does anybody else hate the costumes they have to wear? Sometimes I wish they just danced in their street clothes. A team’s overall body language, which enhances the characters, is far more effective. The costumes are just cheesy.

As for this dance, it was up to Natalie’s caliber. I’m not sure why the judges are so critical every time she performs. They still give her high scores, but they never seem very enthusiastic. Maybe it’s because they know she’ll move on regardless and hope she’ll take their criticism to heart.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (Argentine tango)

The legwork was on point. The judges are raving about this one. I thought he looked too stiff, but I guess that’s what the Argentine tango is all about.

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (paso doble)

Finally, he didn’t suck. Aside from his robotic stutter at the end, Michael was actually engaging. I predicted he would be the next to go — now I’m not so sure.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (Argentine tango)

Every week, Mya glides across the dance floor with ease. She performs with confidence and rarely makes a mistake. Obviously, since the male is supposed to lead, it’s hard to compare her with the professional females. She does tend to neglect any intimacy with her partner, but she has time to hone that part. Her and Natalie are still the favorites.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer (paso doble)

Like the judges, I didn’t see any mistakes. I was just a bit bored by the whole thing. The judges thought Dacascos exuded an intensity that I didn’t see. With these scores, he just became the favorite on the male side.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (Argentine tango)

Like Mya, Natalie, and Mark, Donny seems to spend hours practicing. You can see it in his footwork. He’s just sharp.

Everyone’s improving.

Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower (Argentine tango)

After dropping down the leader board last week, they certainly rebounded with this routine. They created a story, which most of the other dancers avoid or forget to include. This team deserves to stay.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas (paso doble)

She’s been playing catch up since Round Two. She finally had her breakthrough dance last week, so she really need to keep up that progress. Unfortunately, she lost her step quite a few times.

What? The judges gave her a score of 23?

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (paso doble)

They’re dancing to “Crazy Train” by Kelly’s father. When she gets nervous, she tends to destroy a dance’s entire mystique. I can’t understand the high scores. I like Kelly, but I thought this dance was seriously lacking.

Joanna Krupa with Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Argentine tango)

Joanna’s usual parter, Derek, is out with the flu, so Max is taking his place. They did commit one obvious mistake, but the judges don’t seem to care. I’m not sure why they’re being so nice tonight.

Group Dance

Everybody from tonight’s competition is participating in a monster hustle, popularized by the 70s chart-topper, “The Hustle.” Since the judges won’t have a say, the celebrities are letting loose.

Michael Irvin looked hilarious and, as always, Mya and Natalie Coughlin were great.

I honestly have no idea who’s going to get eliminated next as nobody was terrible. Anyway, we’ll discuss the results show in a few hours.

Curb Your Enthusiasm 7.5 — Denise Handicapped

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So far, this has been the funniest episode of the new season. All the actors were great, the story lines were solid, and the ideas behind the jokes were eerily funny. I’ve been entertained by this season’s previous episodes, but I’ve always managed to take issue with a plot point. “Denise Handicapped” had none of these cracks.

At a local coffee shop, Larry meets an attractive woman named Denise and they begin conversing over their mutual adoration of the violinist, Chi-Yun. Larry is attending a party were she is performing and they agree to see each other before then. Denise glides away from the table, revealing her disability. She’s in a wheelchair; Larry is in a pickle.

While out to lunch with Jeff and Rosie O’Donnell, Larry tries to pay for the meal. It looks like we have another check dispute on our hands. Unlike the verbal exchange with Jason Alexander, Rosie and Larry get physical. The scene ends with Rosie manhandling Larry’s feeble frame.

Naturally, Larry and Denise’s first date doesn’t go so well. After carrying her up a flight of stairs, their dinner conversation is awkward at best. Still, Denise invites Larry back up to her apartment later in the night. Backed into a corner, Larry accepts. When they begin getting intimate, Larry is at an absolute loss. He fumbles around like a blind basketball player while she remains completely stationary. They gradually make their way to the bedroom where Larry once again aims to please. Denise is unsatisfied throughout his whole performance, leaving Larry suspicious. Does she feel nothing because she’s disabled from the waist down, or because Larry is awful in bed? This is a classic “Curb” dilemma.

Back at his house, Larry picks up a message from the couple that is hosting the Chi-Yun concert. They don’t want Larry to come because of the unsavory comments he made about their adopted Chinese baby. Now that he can’t go to the performance, there’s no reason to continue seeing Denise. He seeks advice from the almighty Leon:

Leon: You did your dizzle on her, right?
Larry: Yeah, I did my dizzle.
Leon: That means you did your f’in thing. Bring the f’in ruckus to that ass, Larry.
Larry: Oh, I suppose you think you could’ve gotten a response?
Leon: You God damn right, Larry.
Larry: Bullsh*t.
Leon: I would’ve had that ass tap dancing, Larry. I don’t f*ck around. Give me her God damn number. I’ll go over there and twist that ass up, Larry. I’d bang that b*tch like Beckham.

Larry takes Denise to a nice restaurant in order to break up with her. However, his motives quickly change as he realizes the perks of dating a handicapped individual. They score a great parking spot and receive preferential treatment during their entire meal. On their “stroll and roll” after eating, they bump into the couple that disinvited them to the concert. Noticing Larry’s contrived sense of good character, they rescind their actions. Larry could get used to this.

Later in the episode, Larry, Jeff, and Suzie try to enjoy a day at the beach. When Suzie forces Jeff to go on a romantic walk, she asks Larry to look after their daughter, Sammy, who is playing in the ocean. At the drop of dime, Sammy begins to drown. Larry, ever the hero, begins his rescue mission. However, before saving the girl, he repeatedly tries to make sure his Blackberry is shielded from harm. By the time Larry is ready, Jeff has already retrieved his daughter. Suzie can immediately sense what really transpired. She heaves Larry’s Blackberry into the ocean, causing him to lose Denise’s number.

Larry and Leon decide to search for Denise’s house. Of course, it’s a fruitless task. Leon soon spots another woman in a wheelchair making her way down the sidewalk. Larry assumes that she must know Denise because they both, ahem, use a wheelchair. The woman, Wendy, is offended at first, but eventually warms up to Larry’s ridiculousness. Wendy also enjoys Chi-Yun, so Larry idiotically invites her to the concert.

The final scene is an outright catastrophe. Even though Larry never contacted her, Denise decided to attend. Wendy and Denise eventually meet and are naturally infuriated with Larry. The episode closes with Larry fleeing his two dates and Rosie O’Donnell. As with “The Hot Towel,” this episode ends with Larry facing an eventual bludgeoning.

We haven’t seen the cast of “Seinfeld” for some time now, but they’ll be back next week.

Dancing with the Stars 9.9 — Round Four: Results Show

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All the women are safe tonight. That goes without saying. Before last night’s episode, the only female contestant really in jeopardy was Melissa Joan Hart. But look at her now. Len Goodman has asked her and partner Mark Ballas to once again perform the Charleston. Melissa surprised everyone last night, finally improving after weeks of sub-par dancing.

I’m predicting either Chuck Lidell or Michael Irvin will get the boot tonight. I mean, who else would it be?

I didn’t even know Shakira was still around. She looks great, glaring and smirking at the audience. I would never listen to this song on my own time, but I would watch the music video on mute.

So, the pros are obviously pros for a reason. That group dance was really cool. It makes a 24 year-old dude like myself consider taking a class to impress a lady. Actually, forget that — the fact that I’m fine with watching this show is enough.

I can’t believe America spared Michael Irvin. Louie Vito and Aaron Carter were obviously…wait, Shakira’s on the screen.

I wonder how well Shakira can dance. I think she should be on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” along with Megan Fox, Marisa Miller, and the San Diego Chargers Cheerleaders.

Chuck Lidell and Aaron Carter are the contestants on tonight’s chopping block. Lidell has definitely been entertaining, but he hasn’t contributed one dance with anything close to a textbook accuracy. Aaron Carter actually has a knack for this stuff. And the loser is…

Chuck. He shouldn’t really care, anyway. He still has the MMA and his credibility. Aaron Carter has much more riding on this competition.

Dancing with the Stars 9.8 — Round Four

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I’ve been watching every game from the MLB playoffs and am in the mood for some more competition! Will tonight’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” be just as exciting? Probably not, but at least we’ll be treated to a laugh or two, won’t we?

This evening, each of the 11 remaining couples will have to perform a new style of dance. Given that it’s the fourth week, nobody should stink up the place.

Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya (two step)

It’s just silly. I don’t know how long America will let Lidell skate by with these sloppy performances.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas (Charleston)

Good. I thougt they were going to keep that black and white effect on the entire time. Melissa is much improved this week. Her feet seem to glide rather than stutter. They just got a score of 28. I didn’t expect that given their performance last week.

Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo (bolero)

I know I say it every week, but Natalie Coughlin is beautiful. Natalie, if you’re reading, I’m in this thing if you are. Just leave me a comment and we’ll be married by Friday.

Only a talented dancer could execute this one properly. They weren’t perfect, but they’re in no danger of going home.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (lambada)

After receiving his low scores, Aaron Carter cried in Michael Irvin’s arms last week. Nevertheless, the judges still aren’t showing any sympathy as they really ripped into him this time around. I thought he was fine. Hey, look, a new commercial with Penelope Cruz.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer (two step)

Carrie Ann’s right — this was the most exciting two step on the night. Both showed a certain athleticism that dancers should have. Lacey isn’t a skinny little thing by any means. This girl has muscles and a fun presence.

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (Charleston)

How great was the music from the Roaring Twenties? I just like that big band sound. The entire bounce and groove of the music makes me want to learn tuba for some reason.

It seems like Kelly and Louis fed off the energy provided by the music. Kelly was loose, confident, and entertaining — all qualities that will keep her alive in this competition.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (lambada)

This dance may have started off steamy, but where did all that energy go after the first 20 seconds? The Charleston actually doesn’t look that complicated, and I say that with years and years of sitting on the couch.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (Charleston)

Although Melissa and Kelly were both solid during this dance, Donny’s performance was the most complete. He and Kym stay in sync practically every time they go out there. They don’t a have a sensual chemistry, but they still compliment each other nicely.

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (bolero)

Len Goodman agrees with me. Of all the dances performed this season, the bolero is the most difficult. It’s unfortunate Michael Irvin got stuck with it. Simply put, he could have been better. Either Michael Irvin or Chuck Lidell will be eliminated tomorrow.

Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower (two step)

I take that back. What the hell happened to Louie Vito? He entered this competition with so much energy and I’m left wondering where it all went.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (lambada)

I’m surprised Len was so critical. I thought this was the dance of the night. Mya and Dmitry outperform the other couples every week. We still have a few more rounds to go, but at this point I’m predicting Mya will face Natalie in the finals.

Of course, I’ll be back tomorrow with some hard-hitting analysis of tonight’s results show.

Curb Your Enthusiasm 7.4 — The Hot Towel

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Before I begin, I want to say something about Larry David’s acting. I think it’s wonderfully bad. The beauty about working on a show like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is that Larry gets to play a tweaked version of himself. As a sort of wink and nod to viewers, it seems as if he tries to overact at times. “Curb Your Enthusiasm” may come off as realistic, but it’s still a show on television with professional actors.

In the opening scene, Larry is on flight. We have no idea where he’s off to, which is unusual as the viewer is usually privy to everything in Larry’s life. Still, the scene isn’t squandered. The guy he’s sitting next to is wearing shorts and Larry voices his disgust over having to look the man’s legs. While complaining, a stewardess offers Larry the titular hot towel, which burns him.

He’s later treated at his doctor’s office. The doctor, at first cordial, gives Larry a restaurant recommendation. Larry should be on his way, but he asks the doctor for his home phone number, which would strictly be used in case of emergency. The doctor balks at the request but soon gives in, telling Larry to get all the information from his receptionist. While leaving, Larry bumps into an old girlfriend, Mary Jane Porter, who surprisingly asks Larry out on a date.

At Ted Danson and wife Mary’s anniversary party, Larry gives them an expensive gift certificate to the restaurant. The couple is impressed since (and regular viewers will remember) Larry’s present last year was “the freak book.”

Over at the h’orderves table, Larry notices Mary Jane’s friend Christian Slater, who is devouring all the caviar. Larry later blows the whistle on him to Ted Danson’s wife. The party comes to an abrupt halt when Suzie Green announces that, instead of a tangible gift, her daughter Sammy will sing to the Dansons. It’s quickly obvious that Sammy is a terrible singer and Larry shuts her down, infuriating Suzie.

On their date, Mary Jane points out the Dansons and the Greens eating at a table. Larry confronts them, irritated that the Dansons would take the Greens over himself, considering he got them the gift. Of course, nobody agrees with Larry and they get into the subject of Larry’s issues with people singing in public. When the resident restaurant singer begins his routine, Suzie gives Larry the eye. She wants him to treat this man the same way he treated her daughter. Larry senses the dilemma and, in the most cringe-inducing scene of the episode, he tells the singer to “lock it up.”

Back at Mary Jane’s place, Larry is making some headway. He attempts to undo her bra while fooling around, but his burnt hand impedes his progress. He promptly dumps his bandage into the trash can. Mary Jane’s boyfriend calls, catching Larry off guard. Larry tries to keep quiet but he gags on the horrible pie she’s made, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. The boyfriend is on his way, so Larry bolts.

Larry needs to get his hand treated once again. Whenthe doctor instructs Larry to leave the hand unwrapped, Larry stops him. He can’t trust a doctor that would recommend a restaurant with such horrible food. Larry wants it bandaged. The doctor abrasively complies. To make matters worse, Larry compliments the doctor about this house as they apparently live down the street from one another. The office receptionist has given Larry too much information.

Later that night, Larry is exercising on a stationary bike at home. He gets a call from Mary Jane, who tells him that her boyfriend is coming over in a rage. Larry flees, seeking solace at both his doctor’s and the Dansons’ houses. Because of his prior actions, he’s denied sanctuary. Luckily, the Greens show some pity. Still, Larry can screw up any situation. In the morning, Sammy is practicing singing, which prematurely wakes Larry from his slumber. Larry instinctively tells her to “shut the F up.” Without missing a beat, Suzie kicks him out of the house.

Larry’s so far managed to offend more people in the episode than usual. Attempting to make amends, he apologizes to the opera singer back at the restaurant. Mary Jane just happens to be there and she warns Larry that her boyfriend is in the bathroom as they are on a date with Christian Slater and his girlfriend. As Larry turns to leave, he bumps into a big gentleman. Larry’s wrapped hand is a dead giveaway since the boyfriend had previously found a similar bandage at Mary Jane’s place. Larry scurries out the door and hides behind a dumpster. Of course, this is right as Chrisian Slater shows up, and he tells the boyfriend where Larry is hiding. As the looming figure approaches the dumpster, Larry looks up with remorse.

A couple thoughts:

* I guess we won’t be seeing the cast of “Seinfeld” in every episode. I suppose the whole arc of this season simply involves Larry trying to get his wife back and all the problems in between.

* Ted Danson was also in last night’s episode of “Bored to Death,” which airs before “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Danson is on a roll.

* In order to be recognized by Mary Jane’s boyfriend, I know Larry needed to be wearing that bandage on his hand. Still, nobody ever tells their doctor to go against their professional opinion. Everything would have still connected if the doctor had just told Larry to continue wearing a bandage.

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