My hometown team just suffered an excruciating loss to the Philadelphia Phillies. This day started out wonderful and now I’m contemplating turning on the heater, sipping some Jameson, putting on a Sam Cooke record, and drifting off to sleep. I’m depressed and I need a remedy. Should I turn to “Dancing with the Stars” for support? Of course I shouldn’t, but it’s about to get started so I have no choice.

I have very little patience right now. Now that I’m familiar with the show, I seriously doubt that Aaron Carter is going to raise my spirits. Len Goodman better be funny and Joanna Krupa better be wearing something illegal. Ladies and gentleman, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

Team Dances

Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo (paso doble)

Is someone watching over me? Natalie Couglin is the first dance of the night! To whoever pulls the strings: thank you.

Does anybody else hate the costumes they have to wear? Sometimes I wish they just danced in their street clothes. A team’s overall body language, which enhances the characters, is far more effective. The costumes are just cheesy.

As for this dance, it was up to Natalie’s caliber. I’m not sure why the judges are so critical every time she performs. They still give her high scores, but they never seem very enthusiastic. Maybe it’s because they know she’ll move on regardless and hope she’ll take their criticism to heart.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (Argentine tango)

The legwork was on point. The judges are raving about this one. I thought he looked too stiff, but I guess that’s what the Argentine tango is all about.

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (paso doble)

Finally, he didn’t suck. Aside from his robotic stutter at the end, Michael was actually engaging. I predicted he would be the next to go — now I’m not so sure.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (Argentine tango)

Every week, Mya glides across the dance floor with ease. She performs with confidence and rarely makes a mistake. Obviously, since the male is supposed to lead, it’s hard to compare her with the professional females. She does tend to neglect any intimacy with her partner, but she has time to hone that part. Her and Natalie are still the favorites.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer (paso doble)

Like the judges, I didn’t see any mistakes. I was just a bit bored by the whole thing. The judges thought Dacascos exuded an intensity that I didn’t see. With these scores, he just became the favorite on the male side.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (Argentine tango)

Like Mya, Natalie, and Mark, Donny seems to spend hours practicing. You can see it in his footwork. He’s just sharp.

Everyone’s improving.

Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower (Argentine tango)

After dropping down the leader board last week, they certainly rebounded with this routine. They created a story, which most of the other dancers avoid or forget to include. This team deserves to stay.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas (paso doble)

She’s been playing catch up since Round Two. She finally had her breakthrough dance last week, so she really need to keep up that progress. Unfortunately, she lost her step quite a few times.

What? The judges gave her a score of 23?

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (paso doble)

They’re dancing to “Crazy Train” by Kelly’s father. When she gets nervous, she tends to destroy a dance’s entire mystique. I can’t understand the high scores. I like Kelly, but I thought this dance was seriously lacking.

Joanna Krupa with Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Argentine tango)

Joanna’s usual parter, Derek, is out with the flu, so Max is taking his place. They did commit one obvious mistake, but the judges don’t seem to care. I’m not sure why they’re being so nice tonight.

Group Dance

Everybody from tonight’s competition is participating in a monster hustle, popularized by the 70s chart-topper, “The Hustle.” Since the judges won’t have a say, the celebrities are letting loose.

Michael Irvin looked hilarious and, as always, Mya and Natalie Coughlin were great.

I honestly have no idea who’s going to get eliminated next as nobody was terrible. Anyway, we’ll discuss the results show in a few hours.