This blog was recently voted “Blog Least Likely to Inspire Anyone to Enter the Dancing Profession” and I have to say that, although I gave myself the award, the recognition is well-deserved. For three hours each week (including the results show), I plop myself in front of the TV and am reaffirmed that I will never learn how to dance. Aaron Carter — who has a frightening dedication to this show — is now in the seventh week. He still isn’t all that great. I couldn’t spend two months on a new hobby without seeing much progress. Like mastering chess or completing Guitar Hero, life is too short to waste time on certain things. (I apologize to all future Bobby Fischers and professional gamers everywhere.) Put me in a ballroom dancing class and I’m the guy leaving in a huff because he keeps tripping over his own feet.
Do I like dancing? Yes I do — after four shots of Jameson with Paul Simon on the juke box, which is surrounded by hip-looking girls in leggings. Can I dance? Of course I can — in my own mind. My feet usually receive the messages three steps too late. However, what this produces is a dance so bad and inappropriate that it is spectacular. So why learn to ballroom dance, when I’m already perfect at dancing horribly? Exactly.
Lord knows I’ll meet a woman who demands I learn the waltz, bolero, and Argentine tango. When that day comes, I’ll be on “Dancing with Stars.”
And now, your favorite blog about this show…
I should probably make some predictions because, I don’t know, that’s what people do who watch these types of show. I think Mya, Joanna, Donny, and Mark make the final four.
Couples
Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova (fox trot)
I have no clue what the fox trot looks like, but I’m just going to assume that Michael Irvin can’t do it properly. Viewers must really like the guy. The judges are complimenting his dance. I must be looking for something else. I’ll focus more on his footwork next week.
Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (quick step)
Aside from the one moment where Donny looked at his feet, I thought he did fine. His dances are always more articulate than most of his competition and I hope the viewers recognize that. He combines entertainment and accuracy, so he deserves to advance.
Mark Dacascos with Anna Trebunskaya (samba)
Unfortunately, Lacey is out with the flu, so he’s dancing with Anna Trebunskaya on short notice. This might not go so well.
Yawn. Why didn’t Mark do any dancing? He couldn’t get in rhythm and was visibly nervous out there. Every time a celebrity has to dance with a different partner, the performance suffers. If he survives elimination, he’ll need Lacey back.
Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (fox trot)
They did a great job. I don’t know why Len is so hard on Mya — it almost feels contrived. My guess is, she continues to dissatisfy Len for the remaining rounds. Then, in the finals, he gives her a perfect score.
Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff (jive)
I hope Aaron pulls this off so we don’t have to see him break down in a puddle of his own tears. Damn. He finally performed an entertaining dance. I don’t know where he found all that energy, but it worked.
They just got a score of 29.
Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (salsa)
The past few weeks, Kelly has freaked out while practicing. When she doesn’t let loose, she maims the dance. From what we saw in the package, this salsa shouldn’t be any different.
I didn’t expect her to do this well. She looks less rigid during the upbeat dances.
Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (rumba)
Something is always lacking in her dances that I just can’t pinpoint. She turns the focus solely on her and I’m not sure it works to her advantage. Although she memorizes the steps, her performances tend to put me to sleep, despite her hotness.
Teams
Couples will be grouped into teams and either perform the paso doble or the tango. The score will then be combined with that of their dances from earlier in the night.
Paso Doble
(Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova, Mark Dacascos with Anna Trebunskaya, Mya with Dmitry Chaplin, Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff)
Only half of this dance looked in sync. They kept the intensity up and stayed in character the entire time, so the other team will have to match that in their performance. Mya easily stole the show.
That goatee looks ridiculous on Aaron.
Tango
(Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson, Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel, Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough)
Man, they slayed the other team. Both their solos and group parts were fun to watch. I can’t recall one moment where things got sloppy.
Two couples are finished tomorrow.
After dutifully earning his bones as one of the more reliable roasters at Comedy Central’s annual events (to Larry the Cable Guy: “Why are you so popular?”), Greg Giraldo finally gets his first one-hour special, and he makes it count. His take-no-prisoners approach is intact here, and in fact he saves a lot of his best bits for third rails like children (they’re fat, sickly and autistic). He does come a tad too close to a bit that popped up in Bill Burr’s act a year or so ago (the ‘I’m not a racist, but…’ routine), but he makes up for it by hammering a “sleepy Rasta” who nodded off in the third row, and by saluting a “gaggle of squawking twats” who refused to let 9/11 ruin their friend’s bachelorette party. The bonus features include the unaired pilot episode of “Adult Content,” a Comedy Central show about, well, porn. It’s a pretty decent show, though it makes sense that they would have had trouble following it up. With any luck, “Midlife Vices” will allow Giraldo to carve out a name for himself as something other than “that roast guy,” because the material here is most worthy.
