Young celebrity relationships are, for the most part, entirely futile. I learned this after Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears called it quits due to a mysterious misdemeanor on her part. The two then carried out a prolonged, dramatic breakup that only proved how perfect they were for each other.
Or take any relationship that Taylor Swift has entered, ever, for instance.
Like children away at sleep away camp, it seems real time plays no relative matter as the two relatively awestruck and dough eyed mini moguls careen into a whirlwind of super love that lands them straight into the arms of the press, and connectedly, the dining room tables of their beloved fans. What then follows is a few weeks, months, or maybe even years of a picture perfect seeming love affair, time tabled by tabloids, speculated on by the spectators, and consumed by the masses.
Some of them extend no further than dating, some of them manage, at least, an ill fated engagement, and others even make it to the isle. Very few, however, actually stand the test of time.
But let’s face it, most of these romances, much like Swift’s, end abruptly after a brief courtship due to a minor hiccup of disagreement or miscommunication. We know there are many fish in the sea, and in Hollywood the fish are much prettier, but aren’t relationships supposed to be built on trust, strengthened though tryst, and tested with time?
Of course, arguments can be made that all of society falls into this category; all with the divorce rate soaring at a skyrocketing rate of dismal and depressing. But, in real life, nobody is praised or applauded for holding hands one day, and announcing engagements the next.
More so, reactions would generally be, “Are you crazy? Do you even know what they do for a living?”
This, of course, is not all celebrities, as some relationships have taken on the world and proved love can even be realized by even the most dense of people. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, for example.
However, it seems that most of these youngsters hop around just way too fast testing out these shiny new toys without actually realizing the heftiness they are holding in regard to their public image, or the message they are sending to their tiny fans. In so much, people will think things, tabloids will say things, and comedians will joke on things.
And if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or, at least try wearing an oven mitt.
Look Swift, God knows I’m your biggest fan, and I am only jealous of your optimistic ability to jump head first into each romance, but if your’re going to do it, you have to take the jokes that are coming your way in stride. The world is going to laugh at you, and you must laugh at yourself.
Also, you must never insinuate anything negative about Tina Fey and/or Amy Poehler because they are, quite simply, Gods.
Maybe you’ll think I’m going to Hell too for writing this, but hopefully you can see I am just offering advice as a fan.
I own all you albums, having legally paid for them, and sing your songs off of balconies on cruise ships with my little sister. Who, need I mention, also attended a concert on your last tour as a birthday gift from me. So you see, I am rooting for you.
You’re welcome.
It’s wildly inappropriate to sing the praises of a Disney Channel show by saying that it pisses genius, but “Phineas and Ferb” does just that, deftly blending dry relationship humor with high-concept science and one of the best pop soundtracks you’ll find outside of “South Park” (back when they wrote songs, anyway). Having wrapped their 39-episode (!) second season last fall, their first all-new show of 2011 is the wildly ambitious full-length movie “Across the 2nd Dimension,” and to the surprise of no one, it’s pretty awesome. Phineas and Ferb invent a portal to another dimension, and they discover a world where the nefarious Dr. Doofenshmirtz is a much more successful evil genius than the one in our world, and he plans to use the boys’ portal to take over our tri-state area as well. The producers have a great time playing against type (the other Candace is an ass-kicking resistance fighter, while the boys are timid and never leave the house), but the overall tone of the film is quite dark, which may not sit well with younger kiddos. Thankfully, the movie’s mini-tunes are the ringing pop gems fans have come to expect, to the point where one of the movie’s best songs wound up on the cutting room floor. 
