Although “Dancing with the Stars” is already in its ninth season, I’ve somehow avoided watching a complete episode during its five-year run. Girls I know, my mother, and friends’ parents have had the show on in my presence, but I instinctively ignored it. Inexplicably, I’ve always lumped reality programs and reality competition in the same category, but after watching the first episode of this new season, I realize that was unfair. “Dancing with the Stars,” “American Idol,” and “America’s Got Talent” are not the same as “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels,” or “I Love New York.” Those last three are shows my friends and I define as “trash TV.” We, the audience, are laughing at the contestants, simply hoping to witness their humiliation. On the other hand, “Dancing with the Stars” exudes a genuine sense of fun. Celebrities train — rather vigorously — with attractive dancers and later perform in front of quirky judges. Pretty safe television, but it’s a formula perfect for a broad American demographic. The judges (Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, Carrie Ann Inaba) and hosts (Tom Bergeron, Samantha Harris) keep things fun, professional, and competitive. So, here we go. Written below is one young man’s interpretations of the show every female present in his life has previously forced upon him. The new season is in the midst of a “three-night-premiere,” but will return next Monday at 8:00 PM to its weekly time slot.
Episode 1 (season premiere)
The males are set to compete on opening night.
Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff
Jesus, Karina is smokin’. Alright, I get it. I can see now why men tolerate watching this with their girlfriends or wives. I know we’re not supposed to focus on the professional dancer as much, so I’ll do my best to avoid the flesh. Carter did a good job, I suppose, but Karina could dance with anybody and I’d be fascinated.
Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya
I almost fell out of my chair laughing during The Iceman’s routine. It’s not that Chuck Liddell was horrible, but his forced smile was just too goofy. I already want him to win this thing.
Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer
Martial arts professional and star of “Iron Chef America,” Dacascos is an athletic fellow. Still, this dance was a tad boring and I wasn’t feeling the “Asian” theme. Like judge Len Goodman said, it felt like a gimmick. His plea, “I don’t want to see kung fu in the waltz,” made me laugh.
Ashley Hamilton with Edyta Sliwinska
George Hamilton’s kid is very tall, producing a robotic element to this routine. He’ll probably get farther than Liddell, but he needs to loosen up. As for Edyta, the woman is incredible — both at dancing and making me want to move to Poland.
Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson
I thought this was the most “natural” dance so far. Both dancers seemed comfortable, yet energetic. Apparently, the judges weren’t fooled and urged Osmond to focus on the steps rather than the showmanship. “Too much razzmatazz,” says the crotchety Goodman, and with that statement alone I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for older Brits.
Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower
This is by far the youngest team in the competition and it shows. Still, their routine is endearing and the judges recognize that. At this point, the professional snowboarder certainly has a better chance than The Iceman.
Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova
It’s a shame, because he was so captivating at the start. He just needs to learn to retain that enthusiasm for an entire performance. This was just dialing it in and he’s not even the professional!
Tom DeLay with Cheryl Burke
Delay’s presence is obviously getting the most press. It’s just weird, and though I’d rather it were Dick Cheney, there’s something sublime about an aging American politician dancing with a sexy, young woman.
Salsa and Viennese relays
Split up into groups of four, each duo is given 30 seconds to execute the dance they did not perform earlier. Ashley Hamilton, Chuck Liddell, and Michael Irvin are the least impressive. And remember, my opinion matters because I’ve been familiar with dance for all of two hours.
To be fair, I really need to watch the next show to review the other contestants. (Translated: Natalie Coughlin, one of the competitors, is really pretty.) Below are my thoughts on the second episode.
Episode 1.2
Tonight, it’s time for the female celebrities to hit the floor.
Debi Mazar with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Hey, it’s Vince’s publicist from “Entourage” and yet another foreign dancer. For the record, I’m watching this with my mom, and that brings both it’s share of problems and benefits. The show’s format is incredibly easy to follow, but she insists on explaining everything, like how the elementary judging process works. Moms.
Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas
They keep repeating that Melissa Joan Hart is best known as the lead actress from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” but my generation will forever associate her as Clarissa from “Clarissa Explains it All.” She looks exactly the same and now I’m thinking about Larissa Oleynik from “The Secret World of Alex Mack.” God, she was cute. Nickelodeon used to have it together. What ever happened to that network? Oh yeah, I’m old now.
Mya with Dmitry Chaplin
Mya was one of my first celebrity crushes and she still looks great. As a qualified dancing twit, I believe Mya and Dmitry did a nice job. However, judge Len Goodman is throwing a geriatric hissy fit because they didn’t perform a traditional Viennese Waltz. The audience is vehemently booing him — I’m laughing my ass off at home. I wonder what he thinks of “jerk” dancing.
Kathy Ireland with Tony Dovolani
My moms keeps mumbling expressions like “bless her heart” and “aw, good for her.” Knowing my mom, that means Kathy Ireland can’t dance.
Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo
The female Michael Phelps, Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin is…really pretty. A three-time gold medalist, Coughlin has an incredible body and is undoubtedly in better shape than the her female competition. Judge Goodman is complaining again. This time he’s confused why all these pretty girls can’t make the salsa sexy. He wants more sex appeal and I couldn’t agree more.
Macy Gray with Jonathan Roberts
The judges seemed to like Gray’s “vulnerability” and “unique style.” Of course, this is code for “you’re not going to make it very far.” In her interview after, Gray says something which the censors have to bleep for around three seconds. The hosts, judges, and fellow contestants are all shocked. Unfortunately, I can’t tell what she said. My mom just thinks she’s drunk.
UPDATE: She said the dance “almost busted her cherry.” Let that swim around your brain for a while.
Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough
In the “getting to know” segment they run before each dance, it’s clear I wouldn’t get along with either of these individuals in the real world. Nevertheless, this is the best dance of the night.
Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel
Yep, that Kelly Osbourne. During “The Osbournes,” she was viewed as obnoxious and unflattering. Still, she was only a kid and I never watched the show. Now, she’s 24, pretty, enthusiastic, and can dance. It may not look as natural as Mya or as dynamic as Joanna Krupa, but Kelly has a vivid passion the others are lacking.
Fox Trot and Viennese Waltz relays
With these quick dances, it’s easier to predict who won’t get far. Macy Gray, Kathy Ireland, Melissa Joan Hart, and Debi Mazar desperately need to spice things up if they’re going to advance. Natalie Coughlin has the athleticism, but needs to relax a bit. Like NASCAR, you have to root for someone even if you’re not a fan of the event, so I’m choosing Kelly. Mya and Joanna have the raw talent, but I think Kelly has the will to go deep.
Damn. If you watch two episodes, you might as well complete the whole season, right? Right?
