We are down to the final four couples and I’m already fantasizing about how I’ll spend my Monday nights after they crown a champion. Will I take up bowling? Will I go on a weekly jog? Will I practice more guitar scales? Or will I just go to bed earlier? These are my fantasies.

To the delight of millions, a new season of “Dancing with the Stars” will probably begin shortly after this one. With my luck, next season will have twenty “stars.”

Each of the four remaining couples will perform three dances tonight. This has never been done in the history of the show. Kelly, Mya, and Joanna should be fine given their ages. I’m just concerned about Donny. He always looks exhausted after one dance — I don’t know how he can handle three. He’ll be able to memorize the routines, but his execution might be a tad grueling during his final dance.

Dance #1

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (tango)

Donny is unable to make a dance serious. Every time he tires to play up the masculinity, his footwork suffers. This dance was all over the place. Sorry to say, Chuck Liddell could have done better.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (Viennese waltz)

I want to know who does this song. It reminds me of Gram Parsons in a weird way.

Yep, they did a great job. It wasn’t very romantic or anything — it just seemed “standard” and sometimes that’s all the judges want. Also, they’re finally starting to seem like a team.

What? The Bee Gees are going to be on tomorrow? I don’t care who wins anymore. I just want to see the Gibbs!

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (rumba)

Kelly’s routines always feel as though they’re dipped in tar. Focusing tremendously on the steps, she moves a bit slower than the other performers. Still, unlike Len Goodman, I think this was her best dance of the season. She moved with grace and brought a sense of character to this rumba.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (waltz)

Honestly, I can never find any of Mya’s mistakes. The judges are even on her side now. She’ll probably face Joanna in the finals, but Mya deserves praise for her performance over the entire season. As far as I’m concerned, she steals the show every week.

Dance #2

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (samba)

This dance of theirs definitely of topped the one from earlier. When Donny finds a groove, it’s almost impossible for him to make a mistake.

At this point, I’m not positive whether or not Donny can astound the judges with his final dance of the night. He should choose a faster dance, even if he’s tired.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (cha cha cha)

Joanna’s sister, Marta, is a babe. I just wanted to get that out of the way. Come to think of it, the producer should nab her for next season.

Why do the celebrities sometimes mouth the song’s lyrics when they perform? Is it to help them keep time? The pros never do it. It’s just distracting.

Anyway, this routine must have only been 30 seconds. She seems very confident out there. Also, she uses her face in a way the other dancers have yet to master. Joanna looks at the camera and smirks, drawing the attention away from her footwork. It’s a smart tactic.

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (quick step)

Has Kelly lost 15 pounds over the last three months? She wasn’t even chubby to begin with, but she’s is in tremendous shape now.

I like this song, “99 Red Balloons.” I forget who sang it originally, but I’ve heard a bunch of cover versions.

Wow. Kelly actually got technical with this one. Louis almost dropped her at the end, but that was a minor blip.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (salsa)

There are numerous reasons why Mya should make it to the finals, but I often forget to watch how well the she works with her partner. Mya and Dmitry are constantly on the same wavelength. It’s almost as if Mya will never stumble or fall out of rhythm because Dmitry can anticipate her every step.

Len Goodman, you horny bastard. Here’s what he just said:

“I was mesmerized by your buttocks. I couldn’t stop looking — I’ve gotta be honest here.”


Dance #3

These are the couples’ “knockout dances.” Each of the teams chose their own music and genre. Thus, they should nail their performance.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson (jitterbug)

Carrie Ann is right — Donny needed this dance to be good. I thought Donny was going to bomb, but he came through. The choreography was interesting as well.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough (salsa)

They should have picked a slower dance. The judges are probably tired of all the shaking and jumping (I still appreciate it).

Actually, they’ll be fine. This dance was excellent. Kelly is really going to have to blow us away if she wants to find herself in the finals. As of right now, it’s Mya and Joanna, no question.

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel (cha cha cha)

Did they only dance for three seconds? She was really sharp and smiled the whole way through. She actually might make it the finals. If she does, she can thank the voters at home.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin (cha cha cha)

Obviously, they killed it. That flip thing Dmitry did at the end was cool.

I guess three couples make it to the finals, which doesn’t quite make sense. I think Donny is done.