Last night on NBC’s “The Biggest Loser,” it hit me. There were 8 contestants remaining, and this season is dragging on like no other season before. It feels like we’re all trudging through the mud. But there was an interesting twist again. The show began with host Alison Sweeney offering up a temptation challenge. For this one day, the kitchen was closed and the contestants had to eat in this one room where there was healthy food as well as really unhealthy food. Whoever consumed the most calories this day would have the only vote at the weigh in, assuming that person didn’t fall below the yellow line. If they did, the voting would be like it normally is.
We’re down to the final 7 on “American Idol” and this week, in the spirit of tonight’s special “Idol Gives Back” episode, the contestants were mentored by Alicia Keys and sang inspirational songs. Here is the recap as we saw it…
THE REALLY GOOD
Crystal Bowersox remains about three cuts above everyone else, and last night she hit a grand slam out of the pimp slot. She sang The Impressions’ “People Get Ready” and punctuated a fantastic performance with real tears as she looked out at her dad in the audience. At this point, if Crystal does not win or at least make it to the finale, something is afoot in the universe. Randy said he’s been a fan since Day 1 and gave Crystal a standing ovation….Ellen said she looked beautiful and sounded awesome and keeps evolving….Kara said Crystal took a risk, reached yet another level and schooled everyone else last night….and Simon said “now THAT was inspirational” and that she’s in a different class than everyone else. Yep, pretty much.
We’re only three episodes away from the series finale, so why does it feel like tonight’s episode didn’t accomplish as much as it should have? There were no major reveals, and with the exception of the various Earth-2 subplots, no major story development either. There was quite a bit of crossover action on Earth-2, however, with Locke and Sun both arriving at the hospital at the same time. Though neither character was given much attention beyond that opening scene (we later learned that Sun and the baby are just fine, while Locke went under the knife), the most interesting bit about their “meeting” was just how scared Sun looked at the sight of him, horrifically exclaiming “It’s him! It’s him!” I don’t remember Sun ever having flashes of her Earth-1 life, so I don’t understand a) why she’s so scared of Locke all of a sudden, and b) how she even knows who he is.
They weren’t the only two that crossed paths, either. Desmond continued his quest to make the Losties aware of their Bizarro selves by tracking down Claire on her way to the adoption agency. Obviously, he already knew that Jack would be in the same building for an appointment with his lawyer, Ilana, to discuss his father’s will, so all it took was a suggestion from Desmond that Claire should consider seeking council in order to get them in the same room. Neither one had a moment of clairvoyance like Desmond probably believed they would, so it’ll be interesting to see what comes of that in the following weeks. For the time being, Jack has to run off to the hospital for an emergency surgery on a familiar face, and all points lead to him fixing Locke’s back so that he can walk again. Maybe Locke will have a happy ending after all.
Then again, if Earth-2 is supposed to be about people getting their happy ending, then why are Kate and Sayid both in police custody? Granted, with all the talk about how Kate didn’t actually commit the murder she’s been accused of, I’m sure she’ll manage to get out of her current predictament and even end up with the cop that captured her, but how in the world is Sayid going to get out of this one? Sure, the guys he killed were bad, but no one else knows that – except for Jin, who, as chance would have it, can’t speak English. Something as simple as a language barrier would obviously never get in the way of a police investigation, but it’s enough to cause Sayid to sweat while he waits for someone to come to his rescue.
Nickname change: President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwwwk will now be referred to by his original nickname of President I.M. Weasel. Because holy fuck, man, he is the sleaziest character this show has ever seen.
The thing is, I actually loved his scene with Novakovich, where he put the ambassador over a barrel and said, “Get back to the table, or you’re done.” It was vintage Charles Logan, done with a nod and that greasy half-smile of his. However, now that Jack Bauer nearly blew the lid off of everything using good old-fashioned detective work – with no small amount of intimidation – we learn that Logan’s plan, in full, was as follows:
1) Blackmail the Russian government into accepting the treaty 2) Tell President Taylor nothing about how he persuaded them to change their minds 3) Hope that his secret never gets out
Huh. I’m not sure he thought this through.
“So can you actually feel the weasel rays I give off when I’m this close?” “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my soul screaming.”
He didn’t consider that Dalia might find out on her own who killed Slumdog. He didn’t consider the fact that the Russians may sign this peace accord but they’ll never honor it, and eventually the truth about its bloody origin will spill. Lastly, he didn’t consider the one-man wrecking crew that is Jack Bauer, who was able to spoil his plan as soon as he hatched it. And since Logan kinda has a thing about Jack, what with Jack destroying his Presidency and all, he completely lost his objectivity when it came to silencing him. You’d think that Madame President would have noticed Logan foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog whenever he said Bauer’s name, since she has a much different relationship with Jack than Logan does – on account of being a good, honest person – and yet, she didn’t. And worse, she’s acquiescing to Logan’s suggestion that they continue with the treaty, even though Dalia Hassan will soon be sitting across the table from the people who killed her husband.
I call shenanigans. Allison Taylor would never, ever do that.
The nanosecond I.M. Weasel mentioned the Russian government’s involvement, the regular Allison Taylor, the one we saw every other week – the one who sent her own daughter to prison – would have sent Logan out on his ass. He says he recently became aware of their involvement, but who knows if that’s true? He wants to get back in the political game, and since his first step in achieving that goal was to blackmail the Russian ambassador to the UN (!), it’s clear that he cannot be trusted. That he’s trying to muzzle the best damn agent CTU has ever had should have been the smoking gun that he’s up to no good. And yet, Madame President went along with it. The one with the straightest moral compass of anyone on the show bought what Charles Logan, Charles fucking Logan, was selling. You have to think that Cherry Jones saw the script that day and said, “Oh, fuck me. I’m getting a lobotomy.”
And then Keifer Sutherland calmed her down by saying, “It’s all right, I’m getting one, too. I hijack a helicopter at the end of the hour.”
Look, I know that when Jack is all out of bubble gum, there is little stopping him. (“They Live,” holler.) But hijacking a helicopter? Do you know how easy it will be to spin that story to the public after they shoot him down? “Longtime dedicated Federal Agent, stricken with grief over the death of his Agent girlfriend, decided the Russians were responsible for her untimely demise. Film at 11.” No one will ask questions. His funeral party will consist of Kim and Chloe. Everyone else who ever cared about him is dead. Survived by daughter Kim, granddaughter Teri, and illegitimate son Jack-Jack.
At least they didn’t insist that Chloe lose her mind along with Jack. She warned him that she’d have to call in an air strike, and call in an air strike she did. Jack, wisely, flew straight to Manhattan, knowing that they wouldn’t dare risk shooting him down over New York. Still, there had to be a better way to get him back in play. Ooh, here’s an idea: how about keeping him in play? There are six hours left. It’s a sliver of time in the show’s history, but it’s an awfully long time for people to act completely out of character in order to service a bad plot idea. I don’t want to see “24” limp to the finish line again. Not on its final time around the track.
Tonight’s blog title comes courtesy of another mid-’80s English wuss rock band. What Price Paradise was the 1986 album by China Crisis, and is in tribute to Madame President selling her integrity down the river for disgraced former President I.M. Weasel. (I was thinking of using the Pretenders song “How Much Did You Get for Your Soul,” but my wife hates Chrissie Hynde.) She knew about the ‘disgraced’ part, right? Of course she did. So why did she go along with it, again? In the real world, both he and his weasel assistant receive a polite ‘no’ in response to their offer of assistance, and then their houses are burned to the ground while they sleep. Here’s hoping she gets a chance to right this wrong. Until then, I will refer to her not by the customary Madame President but by her first name, in order to show my contempt for the decisions she made this hour. As a bonus, I’ve included a link to the best fight scene in movie history, one so awesome that Trey Parker and Matt Stone re-created it shot for shot with two cripples. Enjoy!
This, my friends, was one hell of an episode, offering up multiple moments which will almost certainly inspire me to say the same of future episodes. Arguably the best of those moments came when we were made privy to a sight which both yours truly and Bullz-Eye.com editor-in-chief Jamey Codding have been waiting to see since January…but we’ll get to that later.
First, it’s time to flash even farther back.
How completely surreal to have the episode start off with footage from the first episode of “Breaking Bad.” I can’t say as I ever really considered the origins of the R.V., except to figure that, since Walt hadn’t given Jesse a whole lot of money to buy it in the first place, it was simply as good as he could find. With the benefit of hindsight, however, it’s pretty damned easy to imagine that a dumb-ass like Jesse circa Season 1 would have a little trouble coping with a sudden cash influx like the one Walt handed him. Some of the shit Jesse was spouting during the scene was pretty hilarious, as was the bit where the gang re-entered the real world at daybreak with one of them puking in the VIP Parking space. It was particularly nice to see Combo resurrected, even if only for the duration of the pre-credits sequence: in addition to reconfirming just how tight Jesse and Combo used to be back in the day and revealing Combo’s crucial role in the fruition of the Walt ‘n’ Jesse partnership, it also showed that, all things considered, he was probably lucky to have lived as long as he did. (Best moment: when Jesse groans that he only has about $1400 left and Combo hopefully suggests, “Waffle House?”)
Oh, if you’re wondering about the song they played in the strip club, it’s by the Teddybears and it’s called “Rocket Scientist,” but as of this writing, it ain’t available on iTunes. Sorry ’bout that, but at least you can hear it again by clicking below:
