And Upfronts Week rolls on, with the American Broadcasting Company offering up their slate for the new season. Sadly, as Mr. Paulsen revealed yesterday, “Samantha Who?” will not be returning for Season 3 (and that rather depresses me, as I quite liked the show), but on the up side, “Better Off Ted” did score another season. Woo-hoo! You can view the network’s fall schedule below, along with info on the new shows and details on what to expect come the mid-season.

Monday:

8:00 PM - Dancing with the Stars
10:00 PM - Castle

Tuesday:

8:00 PM - Shark Tank

From Mark Burnett, executive producer of “Survivor� and “The Apprentice,� and Sony Pictures Television comes “Shark Tank,� an exciting new reality show that gives budding entrepreneurs the chance to make their dreams come true and become successful – and possibly wealthy – business people. But the entrepreneurs must first try to convince five tough, multi-millionaire tycoons to part with their own hard-earned cash and give them the funding they need to jumpstart their ideas.

9:00 PM - Dancing with the Stars Results Show

10:00 PM - The Forgotten

From executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer comes a crime show in which a team of dedicated amateurs work on cases involving unidentified victims. After the police have given up, this group must first solve the puzzle of the victim’s identity in order to then help catch the killer. They work to give the deceased back their names, lest they become — The Forgotten. Stars Rupert Penry-Jones as Alex, Reiko Aylesworth as Linda, Michelle Borth as Candace, Bob Stephenson as Walter, Anthony Carrigan as Tyler and Rochelle Aytes as Detective Grace Russell.

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- NBC wants shorter seasons from “Heroes,” according to AdAge.com. The network is looking for 18 to 20 episodes instead of the usual 25, with fewer in-season breaks. I’m all for shorter seasons, as shorter usually equals better.

- ABC has renewed “Lost,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” — no surprises there — “Brothers & Sisters,” “Desperate Housewives,” “Ugly Betty” and “Private Practice,” but “Cupid,” “Better Off Ted,” “Castle,” “Scrubs,” “Samantha Who?” and “The Unusuals” are still in limbo. TV.com thinks that “Castle” has the best chance of surviving.

- Television Without Pity lists 10 series that deserve a movie before “CSI.”

- Yahoo TV highlights 16 season finales that are coming up over the next five weeks.

Compared to that other famed desperate housewife of world literature, Tolstoy’s sympathetic Anna Karenina, Emma Bovary is, well, kind of a…word that I’m too well brought up to use. Especially as portrayed during Isabelle Huppert’s perfectly minimalist performance, she is more than a little superficial, unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and horribly unable to asess the consequences of her own actions. On the other hand, she’s no Paris Hilton, by which I mean she is still very recognizable as an actual human being, all to similar to anyone one of us (her creator, author Gustav Flaubert famously declared, “Madame Bovary, c’est moi!â€�). Still, the flavor of the story is dry – almost satirical. So, France’s ultra-prolific master of ultra-dry melodramas and tales of suspense, Claude Chabrol, makes perfect sense as the writer-director to bring Flaubert’s revered, frequently filmed novel to the screen. This 1991 production takes a worm’s eye of the tale, which has Emma coldly marrying a goodhearted but deadly dull doctor (Jean-François Balmer) simply to get out of the house. Bored literally to tears, she cuckolds him with a cold-blooded womanizer (Christophe Malavoy) and a seemingly more goodhearted law student (Lucas Belvaux), while literally spending the good doctor and herself to destruction. Yes, this is an evergreen story with a contemporary ring to it – and Chabrol’s cool, dispassionate, and not merely cynical eye is an appropriate counterpoint. This is no tearjerker, but it’s also impossible to stop thinking about this underplayed tragedy of a family destroyed by pretension, materialism, and self-involvement, with innocent victims all around.

Click to buy “Madame Bovary”

Even though each of these panels was its own entity, it just seemed best to combine them all into one posting, since I think most people really just want the bullet points about what we can expect from the new season. If I’m wrong, don’t be afraid to tell me so, but in the meantime, here’s what was doled out…

Desperate Housewives

* The big news, as noted in the previous entry, is the five-year jump between last season and this season…or the “One Tree Hill”-ing of the series, if you will. (Look, I’m telling you, this description is so fetch. It’s totally gonna take off.)

* Gale Harold is playing Susan’s new love interest. “He’s kind of an interesting artsy guy who’s very much very different from the previous man in her life,” says executive producer Marc Cherry, “and he will present her with all sorts of new challenges, especially the fact that she kind of doesn’t really even want to be in a relationship. She’s not sure. So that’s kind of some of the colors we’ll be examining there.”

* There are no immediate plotlines planned which surround Andrew’s gayness, but “but some part of Andrew’s personal life will come up and probably cause problems for Bree soon enough,”says Cherry.

* Eva Longoria’s character, Gabrielle, is looking decidedly haggard after the five-year jump, but, then, that’s what happens when you pop out a pair of chubby little darlings in a short amount of time. (Yes, you read that correctly.)

* When asked where Edie’s character would be going this season, Nicolette Sheridan instantly deferred to Cherry, who would only say that “Edie will come back to Wisteria Lane in a very surprising way, and we’re not telling you anything more than that.”

* Neil McDonough is going to be moving onto Wisteria Lane. “He will be bringing the mystery with him,” says Cherry, “and all I’m going to tell you is he has revenge on his mind.”

* Even though he and Susan are no longer together, you will see Mike Delfino in the show. “It will be revealed what happened to Mike and Susan,” said Cherry, “and that’s all I’m going to tell you.” (Do you sense a recurring theme here?)

* The time jump has resulted in some of the actors and actresses playing the kids on the show to fall out of the show by necessity, but at least in the case of Andrea Bowen, who played Julie Mayer, Cherry says, “We’re going to bring her back and try to come up with stories to bring her back,” with fellow producer Bob Daily adding, “I think we’re hoping to see some of those kids in flashbacks.”

* In further discussion of the five-year jump and how much in the way of flashbacks we’d be seeing, Cherry reiterated that they were very much committed to staying in this new time period, with Daily clarifying, “I think the fun for us and the audience is revealing in dribs and drabs what you missed in those five-year periods. Sometimes that will involve flashbacks and sometimes it won’t. I think we’re trying to parcel that out over the first half of the season and then leave some mysteries open.”

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This was a nice idea: get the show runners for ABC’s returning dramas on one panel, and let the critics pummel all of them with questions at one time. It kinda worked…but it also kinda didn’t, with the biggest issue being that the panel ended up being dominated by the producers who also had panels for their own shows. Obviously, I would’ve liked to hear a lot more from Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (”Lost”), but I guess it really wouldn’t have mattered a whole lot even if they hadn’t had Marc “Chatterbox” Cherry, producer of “Desperate Housewives,” off to their left, since those guys aren’t exactly known for their loose lips.

Here’s some of the info we managed to gleam from the various show runners…

Lost:

* We were given no answers as to when the Oceanic Six will return to the island, nor when the two timelines of the show might merge. “Season 5, obviously we’re not going to talk too in depth about,” admitted Lindelof, “but suffice to say, it’s very exciting for us to be 86 hours into the show. We’re going into Season 5, and the fact that people are still asking us, ‘What is the show going to be next year? How are you guys going to tell stories?’ It’s enormously cool. All we can say is it will take place in some time.” (This was the most illuminating thing offered by Lindelof during the entire panel, just so you know.)

* When someone pressed the issue and asked if the Oceanic Six and those remaining on the island would spend any quality time on screen…perhaps a visitation, perhaps a dream sequence, Cuse responded, “Obviously, the turn that’s happening with the characters off the island is that the island does seem to be drawing them back, and Ben makes it kind of clear at the very end of the finale that it’s important that they go back to the island. So that, hopefully, is going to be something that you see a lot of in Season 5, and that’s something we are excited about: the journey about how those six kind of return to the island…or contemplate returning to the island.”

* Lastly, Cuse provided the only actual fact about the upcoming season: “There will be more of Daniel Dae Kim in the series in some form.”

Grey’s Anatomy:

* Shonda Rhimes was - shocker! - tight-lipped about the reported major plotline for Izzie (Katherine Heigl’s character), saying only, “Storywise, we have a really great story worked out that we’re all very excited about.” The end. Ugh.

* She did, however, open up a bit about the lesbian storyline that was introduced last season. “We have a really interesting, wonderful, funny way of laying out the story of Callie and Erica that I’m pretty excited about,” she said, “that I feel like is not necessarily your typical — if there can be a typical — way of dealing with the storyline. What I love is we sort of sat down with GLAAD and talked about women who figure out that they’re lesbians later in life and what that means, and we really were able to find some really great, humorous, and serious emotional stuff to play that’s going to feel really interesting and also affect their lives in the hospital.”

Private Practice:

* Rhimes really only offered one thing for her other show: “Our medical cases this season are really laid out in terms of having real medical and ethical dilemmas and the problems that doctors sort of face every day: what do you tell a patient? What don’t you tell a patient? I don’t think that we’re talking about less soap per se, in that word, but I think that we are talking about sort of making the medical cases stronger so that the soap is supported.”

Desperate Housewives:

God love Marc Cherry. If you looked up “hoot” in your Funk and Wagnalls, there’d be a picture of him. But he spent more time talking about how there should be less sports metaphors in conversation and more Broadway musical metaphors, and that ate up a sizable amount of time during the panel. Funny stuff, but not illuminating from a show standpoint. But we still managed to glean a few items of interest…

* As already leaked by Marcia Cross, the show has jumped ahead in time by five years, thereby inspiring accusations that the series is pulling a “One Tree Hill.” (Actually, no-one even remotely said this, but I’m trying to popularize it, so don’t be afraid to say it to someone yourself.) Of the primary cast members, Eva Longoria has apparently suffered the worst as far as how her character looks.

* Carlos will still be blind…for a little while, anyway.

Ugly Betty:

* Silvio Horta was asked if he’d always intended to get rid of Henry or his departure was to do with Chris Gorham, the actor who played the character. “You know, it was neither,” said Horta. “Part of it was going into the strike and having that time to really think where this was going. I think we kept rushing it and thinking we were going to continue the relationship. We had no end point in sight. And thinking about it and where we could go, I just didn’t see where there was a place that was exciting that I wanted to write about and where I thought the audience wanted to watch it. So it just made the most sense to part ways. Chris is great - this is the second show I did with him - and hopefully he’ll be a part of this at some point. It doesn’t mean that the door is closed to him being a part of this at any point. But it just felt like it was time to move on.” It is perhaps telling…or, okay, perhaps not…that, when asked if Henry would be back at all in the new season, Silvio replied, “I can’t tell you.”

Brothers & Sisters:

* Greg Berlanti only got one question about this show, too, and that was when someone asked if he was repeating himself by having a missing sibling in the last season. “Hopefully, as it plays out, people won’t feel that way,” he said, “and we certainly aren’t designing the story in the same way. I mean, I definitely, toward the end of the year…I think it was a byproduct a little bit of the strike in terms of we had wanted to lay out the story a little bit better initially, and we wanted to dismount from the story a little bit better. And everything was sort of abbreviated. So I don’t think we quite pulled it off entirely. But I’m looking forward to this year. I think people will enjoy the way it plays out.”

Dirty Sexy Money:

Not a word. Maybe Berlanti was saving his strength for later in the afternoon, when the show got its own panel.

Michael Franti once described television as “the drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and feeding radiation.� As such, we’re guessing he isn’t nearly as excited as we are that we’re finally beginning to see the fruits of Hollywood’s writers at last being able to put pen back to paper. CBS clearly got the jump on everyone else with the premiere of their new episodes, but as you can see, the other networks will soon be joining in the fun as well, offering up all the fresh new comedy and drama we’ve been craving for so very long. Okay, maybe it hasn’t been that long – as soon as the strike wrapped up, you probably noticed how some series magically “found� a few episodes they’d unabashedly been sitting on – but it’s damned sure been long enough.

Check out our coverage here, then head back over to tell us what shows you’re most psyched to see return!

* Your obligatory non-answer about “Lost”: “(The creators) would need to address where the show will head,” said ABC President Stephen McPherson. “They have not released whether it will take place with flash-forwards or flashbacks. They pitched where they’re going this year and where the next two years will take us, and I honestly think that, now that we have this specific end date, it allows them to craft that story in the next 48 episodes they want they want, and I think that running the episodes straight through will be best way to (display) that.”

* “Dance Acts” is a spin-off in the works from “Dancing with the Stars,” based on a similar spin-off in the UK. The judges have teams of dancers, competing against each other.

* Dana Delaney is joining the cast of “Desperate Housewives,” along with the already-announced Nathan Fillion.

* Harold Perrineau will be returning to “Lost” as Michael…and, on that note, let me tell you about a moment during this panel which really, really grated on my nerves:

When McPherson acknowledged that the creators of “Lost” would be making an announcement tomorrow at Comic-Con, in San Diego, several writers just went apeshit about the utter ridiculousness that they would dare to bypass the Television Critics Association gathering in favor of a “fan convention.” Um…how about the fact that the shows are about their fans and not their critics? I mean, I didn’t even blink when they said that was going to be the case. Of course the fans should hear the info first, if it’s do-able…and if that’s what the creators want to do, then what’s the big honking deal? But, no, people kept pressing and pressing, throwing out statements about the state of the newspaper industry and how their editors would be upset if they found out that breaking news was available but wasn’t going to be given to them, and so on. Finally, it reached the point where someone actually called Damon Lindelof to get his permission for McPherson to give us the news, which was that nugget about Michael coming back.

As God as my witness, I hope Lindelof has more super secret info up his sleeve for the fans. If I was a fan, and it’d been built up to me that I was going to get exclusive info when I showed up for that panel, I would be pissed if I found out that, oh, sorry, the critics strong-armed us and made us give it to them first.

I’m just sayin’, is all.

UPDATE, 12:03 PM: I spoke to McPherson in the lobby a few minutes ago, revealed myself to be as much of a fanboy as a critic, and asked if indeed Lindelof had saved some exclusive information for the Comic-Con panel. He didn’t really confirm or deny - which I’d kind of expected, since he knows full well that my peers would probably pummel him if he they read such a thing - but he did acknowledge that the Comic-Con crowd would be getting far more access to Lindelof than the TCA is, since there’s no “Lost” panel at our press tour. Therefore, I think it’s reasonable to infer - if not an ironclad guarantee by any means - that, logically, the chances of the fans getting more information than the critics are pretty good.

Which makes me happy.

Yep, ABC’s released their 2007 - 2008 schedule, and, as you probably guessed from the title of this posting, the biggest focus isn’t on how good or bad the new shows look but, rather, how lazy it looks for the network to have picked up a series that’s inspired by a series of commercials. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely laugh every time one of those commercials is on, but that doesn’t mean I want a half-hour series based on them…especially not when it means that “The Knights of Prosperity” gets cancelled and “The Thick of It” - starring Michael McKean, Oliver Platt, John Michael Higgins, and Alex Borstein - is passed over for pick-up. (How does that happen, anyway? The pilot was directed by Christopher Guest, fer crissakes!)

But that’s enough complaining for the moment. This is intended as an educational post, not a bitter diatribe. (Besides, there’ll be plenty of time for that sort of material in our Fall TV Preview!) So let’s take a look at how the fall schedule will look…and, uh, let’s also clarify that we’ll probably still end up getting snarky along the way.

MONDAY

We begin with more of that star-dancing crap at 8:00 PM…an hour and a half of it, apparently, since it isn’t until 9:30 that we’re scheduled to see the new Christina Applegate sitcom “SAM I AM.”

“Sam I Amâ€� - When a terrible accident leaves Samantha “Samâ€� Newly in a coma for eight days, she wakes up with no recollection of any past experiences, memories or events. Faced with amnesia, Sam must start over. To her dismay she discovers that she wasn’t a particularly honest, good-hearted or loving person. In fact she was self-involved, narcissistic and devoid of real relationships - essentially a bitch. Sam must now struggle with her desire to be good and her temptation to be…not so good. Finding the line between good and evil is never easy.

Um…that’s a comedy? Well, anyway, after that, 10 PM finds another season of “The Bachelor,” which means we can’t get to Tuesday night soon enough.

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Two months prior to the announcement of its official fall lineup, ABC has announced the renewal of ten primetime series — most of them thriving veterans such as “Grey’s Anatomy,â€� “Lost,â€� and “Desperate Housewives.â€� Also making the cut were freshman hit “Ugly Bettyâ€� and the late-blooming “Brothers and Sisters,â€� as well as the Anne Heche dramedy “Men in Trees.â€�

Reality programs back for another year include “Dancing with the Stars,� “The Bachelor,� and “Extreme Home Makeover.� Late-night talker “Jimmy Kimmel Live� will return as well.

And, in a pleasant surprise given the show’s relative lack of momentum to date, “Boston Legal� will return next season as well.

To which we say: Denny Crane!

In recognition for one of its tightest seasons yet, Fox drama “24â€� was honored with 12 Emmy nominations today — the most for any broadcast network series. In addition to the obligatory noms for best drama and best actor, the show recognized strong supporting performances from Gregory Itzin as President Buck Buck Brawwk and Jean Smart as the mildly unstable First Lady.

Other nomination highlights:

- In contrast to last year’s near-sweep of the Best Actress in a Comedy category, the “Desperate Housewives� gang was nearly shut out, with only token African-American resident Alfre Woodard picking up a nod for her supporting role as Betty Applewhite.

- Despite winning Best Drama last year, “Lost� was not even nominated in the category this go-round…and neither were any of its regular cast members. Only guest actor Henry Ian Cusick was nominated, for his work as redemption-seeking, six-degrees-of-separation hatch-minder Desmond.

- “House� is one of the five best dramas on television…but that apparently has nothing to do with its Golden Globe winning star Hugh Laurie, who was overlooked in the Emmy nods.

- Cancelled shows are all the rage this year. Nominated shows that are no longer in production include “Arrested Development,â€� “Huff,â€� “The West Wing,â€� “The Comeback,â€� ” Will & Grace,” and “Six Feet Under.â€�

- Denis Leary earned a nod for his work in “Rescue Me,� presumably as a result of new nomination rules intended to broaden the field. Leary will likely be whacked by snubbed actor James Gandolfini from “The Sopranos.�

- “Grey’s Anatomy� also received an encouraging number of nods this year, with 11, including Best Drama. Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson will battle it out within the Supporting Actress category for their roles as intern Cristina Yang and resident Miranda Bailey; my money’s on the feisty Bailey for that one.

The awards ceremony will air on NBC the evening of August 27, with Conan O’Brien to host. Click here for access to a complete list of nominees.

Eva Longoria plans to write an erotic novel, according to reports quoted in The Book Standard:

“They offered a huge deal and I like the idea of seeing my book on a shelf,â€� she said on the website. “The plot’s top secret so far but let’s just say I have a wild imagination.â€�

Far be it from us to question the erotic power of Ms. Longoria’s “wildâ€� imagination — or the marketability of the end product, for that matter — but we still can’t help wondering whether this latest addition to our nation’s proud literary heritage will include not only a shirtless lawn boy half the heroine’s age, but ALSO a beguilingly feisty parking lot attendant.

Only time will tell.

You knew it was bound to happen. Even when ABC ran the episode that introduced Gabrielle’s mother, wasn’t there a teeny, tiny voice at the back of your mind that kept on asking, “Hey, wait a minute: Shouldn’t Eva Longoria’s mother be played by Charo?�

Well, that particular ship has sailed, a missed opportunity. But that’s just fine…because this parody of the original “Desperate Housewives” pilot episode sees your Charo, raises you a Jerry Mathers, and throws in a brief appearance by the late Don Knotts as well.

If the actual series episodes were this much fun, maybe the show’s ratings wouldn’t have declined quite so much versus last year.

Poor Teri Hatcher. First Ryan Seacrest and now this. Hatcher suffered an eye injury when a light bulb exploded near it on the set of “Desperate Housewives.”

“Glass lodged in my right eye and proceeded to scratch my cornea,” sez Teri. Yeah. Is it just me or is Hatcher just one of the luckiest actresses ever? Anyone who can survive “Lois & Clark” and those Radio Shack commercials has to have someone silently humping a horseshoe for her somewhere.

…American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was recently spotted sucking face with Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher:

Could this be another “let’s put those gay rumors to rest once and for all� publicity stunt (Tom Cruise, we’re looking in your direction)…or is Ryan just a poor, misunderstood metrosexual with an unfortunate addiction to hair-care products?

Only time will tell.

Veering dangerously close to a “Will & Grace�-style special guest star overdose, the creators of “Desperate Housewives� follow up their recent Carol Burnett announcement (not to mention recent appearances by Adrian Pasdar, Jane Lynch and Wallace Shawn) with news that former “My So-Called Life� teen heartthrob Jared Leto will appear in a four-episode arc as a sexy grocery-store worker who catches Gabrielle’s eye.

Well, since Leto is pushing thirty-five these days, at least we can assume that Gabby’s days as a statutory rapist are behind her for good. And who knows? With his last decent movie role (in “Requiem for a Dream;� rent it on a night when you won’t mind suffering a little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder afterwards) six long years behind him, maybe Leto is testing the water for a return to series TV, if the right project comes along. After all, it’s a far cushier gig than playing bitch to both Colin Farrell and Oliver Stone in the same movie.

Of course, Leto is already getting great press for the yet-to-be-released flick “Chapter 27,� in which he followed the George Clooney/Robert De Niro “Eating for Oscars� diet, so I wouldn’t hold my breath looking for Leto to turn up as Joey Tribbiani’s kooky new roommate. Plus, if that whole acting thing doesn’t work out, he’s always got his career as a so-called rock star, as founding member of 30 Seconds to Mars.

Dammit, Jordan Catalano, why must you keep on breaking our hearts?

In what is certain to be delightful scenery-chewing fun, Carol Burnett has signed on to play the Evil Stepmother of America’s favorite high-strung alcoholic widow, Bree Van de Kamp.

So poor Bree had Miss Hannigan for a stepmother growing up. No wonder she’s not right in the head. “You’ll stay up til this dump shiiiiiiiines…like the top of the Chrysler Building!�

It’s a hard-knock life, indeed. No one cares for you a smidge, ’til you’ve spit-polished the fridge.

Should be fun to watch, regardless of the show’s uneven tone this season.

Perhaps brushing up his Ryan Seacrest credentials in case Wisteria Lane decides to off yet another of its residents just in time for spring sweeps, hunky faux plumber James Denton will be hosting the Miss America Pageant on CMT this weekend.

Let’s see, Eva Longoria was recently hawking Chrysler’s new concept car at the North American International Auto Show, Denton is slumming on a cable-TV beauty contest, Nicolette Sheridan hooks up with an old flame to console herself over her many supposed award snubs…and meanwhile, Felicity Huffman just won a Golden Globe for Best Actress to place next to her Emmy on the mantle at home, and is practically guaranteed an Oscar nomination.

Which of these things is not like the others?

Could it be? After straying woefully from the path of righteousness, could the quality-impaired writers of “Desperate Housewives� actually be veering close to getting back on track?

Maybe. Sunday’s episode suggests they may be on to something. Don’t hold your breath just yet…but there might actually be some life left in the old dames.

Not that the episode was stellar; far from it, actually. A Jaded Cliffs Notes summary of the plot would read as follows:

Gabrielle and Carlos storyline: Stupid and boring, as usual
Susan storyline: Stupid as usual, but less boring than Gabby and Carlos
Bree storyline: Less stupid than Gabby or Susan, but significantly more boring
Edie storyline: What Edie storyline?
Applewhite storyline: Not particularly boring, but exceedingly stupid
Lynette storyline: Somewhat stupid at first, but not at all boring–and dripping with future potential
Felicia storyline: Felicia’s back?! Where have you been, Bebe, my delightfully devilish vixen?

The last five minutes of the episode redeemed the earlier fifty-five, with the knockout one-two punch of Tom’s refusal to let Lynette literally emasculate him, and Bebe’s unexpected presence as the new nurse for dearly departed Deirdre’s ailing father, administering Lord knows what to the man indirectly responsible for the murder of her sister Martha.

Tom’s unhappy in his marriage. He should be: Lynette’s behavior has been abominable all season. She’s been out dancing in bars while Tom’s home with the kids, and she even faked a kidnapping of her own children to point out Tom’s shortcomings as a caretaker. He’s had enough, and neither Tom nor Lynette knows what to do about it. At last, some real drama on Wisteria Lane, with not a contrivance in sight. Should be fun to watch.

And that Bebe…you’ve just got to keep an eye on her. She won’t let you do anything else. Even if she did, I wouldn’t advise it.

It’s Gabrielle’s turn in the piss-me-off hotseat this week, with her raging insecurity over the at-best-average-looking blonde nun who helped Carlos get paroled early.

Yes, Gabrielle, that’s right: Carlos, after longing to get out of jail so he could be with you, plans to leave you so that he can live out all of his sexual fantasies with…the devout Sister Mary Margaret. She is not a former model, like you are. She does not have your curves, your fashion sense, or your feisty Latina temper. She is, in fact, a walking Glamour Don’t. And surely that must make Carlos want her all the more…unless, of course, Gabrielle is simply demonstrating the emotional intelligence of a fourteen-year-old.

In other news, Lynette gets promoted after Nina is fired for inexplicably getting it on with the receptionist who looks like Jim Carrey’s mildly effeminate little brother; George may or may not be dead; and loyal viewers begin to realize that if they keep watching the show, the producers won’t have any incentive to make it stop sucking.

Well, it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, and that means it’s time for another woman named Mayer to abandon any semblance of rational behavior. This week, for once, it’s not Susan who’s embroiled in an embarrassing and public divorce from her sanity…it’s Susan’s mother.

Ms. Mayer the elder chooses the least likely, least opportune, and most unfortunate possible time to reveal the deepest of family secrets: during her own toast, at her own wedding reception. In front of the hundred-odd guests who only came to enjoy a nice party, some free booze, and perhaps a little wagering on how long marriage #4 will last, Mommy Mayer announces that Susan’s supposedly long-dead, war-hero father is alive and well — and living just across town.

Susan runs out in tears, Julie follows her, and everyone watching suddenly decides that Vincent D’Onofrio’s histrionics maybe aren’t quite as annoying as they had initially thought, and changes channels to watch “Criminal Intent.�

(more)