All will be revealed by the end of summer.

Yeah, right.

First of all, NBC didn’t even broadcast the third-to-last episode. It apparently ‘debuted online,’ whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. If you want to cancel a series, fine, but don’t skip an episode without anything resembling an explanation.

Anyway, I finished the final hour of “Persons Unknown” last night and I was disappointed, to put it lightly.

All along, the series has been spotty and uneven, leaving me with my eyes closed and head shaking as Character A does this or Character B does that. Casting decisions were also sketchy. I could handle Cameron from “Ferris Bueller” as a corporate magnate because Alan Ruck can act. But the choice of head baddie (Joanna Lipari) was a head scratcher. I had an eighth grade English teacher who was ten times as menacing. Then the Doctor from “Star Trek: Voyager” shows up as a corporation board member with a thick mane of white hair and a take-no-shit attitude. Part of Robert Picardo’s shtick is that he’s bald. Seeing him with flowing locks of white hair is just going to make the audience laugh. Is that really what they were going for in the last half hour of the season/series?

And what the hell happened between the second to last episode and the last episode? Last we left them, the gang was bouncing around in an overturned van with the least competent ‘man in blue’ in the company (which is why they give him corpse duty, apparently) and suddenly Janet is in a hospital, Charlie and Bill are speeding down a highway in a stolen car, Moira and Erica are in Morocco (Morocco, really? WTF?), and Graham has been captured with no explanation as to how any of this happened.

All will be revealed.

What was the point of the program? They imply that the ‘winners’ move onwards and upwards, but to what? Joe supposedly won his first contest, and he ended up in Round 1 again. Ulrich went from being a badass manager type to a blubbering idiot after Janet batted her eyelashes a few times, and we’re supposed to believe that this program chooses the best and the brightest? (And really, was Janet that hot?)

So since I don’t really know anyone else who watched this show, I googled the show’s title and the first result to come up was an article entitled, “Is the ‘Persons Unknown’ Finale the Worst Series Finale Ever?” I literally laughed out loud.

We’re supposed to be rooting for Janet, who is just a mom who wants to get home to her kid. After finally getting out of the town, we see her trapped in a hospital, only to escape and finally reunite with her daughter. Her mom’s henchman is supposed to be ‘driving them to the border’ yet they stop at a seedy hotel so that they can sleep — why didn’t they just sleep in the car? The henchman said he’d be ‘right outside’? Keep moving!

No matter, it was just a plot device to get Janet asleep so she could wake up dramatically in the other hotel. We even get a shot of Joe waking up in (could it be?) the same hotel. Well, they’re back in the program, but at least they have each other.


Joe is with a whole new group of guinea pigs, and Janet’s ex-husband, who apparently impressed the head baddie (still not one-tenth as menacing as my English teacher) enough to earn a spot in the program. Don’t worry about his girlfriend, who is trapped in a cage somewhere next to Ambassador Whatshisname. Meanwhile, Janet and the gang find themselves on a big ship in the middle of the ocean.

The end.

Good premise, terrible execution.

All will be revealed.

I hate you.