Last night’s season finale of “American Idol” had a bit of everything. It even had another somewhat surprising ending, at least from where I sit. Ryan Seacrest promised that there would be a few tributes to outbound Simon Cowell during the night, and there were. But here is how the rest of the show went down, and we’ll sum it up as quickly as we can:
The Season 9 Top 12 sang Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” and once we saw the school kids dressed like Alice Cooper we knew the man himself would make an appearance and he did. But he didn’t sound very good.
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Last night’s “American Idol” results show was one of the most painful to watch in recent memory, and not just because we had to sit through two eliminations. The medley of performers from the disco era was easily the worst thing this show has ever produced, and something I want to try and forget as soon as I’m done writing this blog.
First, Ryan Seacrest announced that there were 45 million votes Tuesday night, the most this season so far. Yay America. Then they showed the final 7 preparing for their group performance with judge Paula Abdul doing the choreography. They did “Shake Your Body Down To the Ground” with the dancing being pretty good for a change. The pre-recorded vocal tracks weren’t bad either.
Then, on to business. Seacrest had Lil Rounds stand up and then he rambled on about how the show needs her in the competition, blah blah blah. Then he brought her out to the front of the stage, where he told her that she was going home. Nice going Ryan, was that “this show needs you” thing really necessary? Lil sang “I’m Every Woman” again and Paula ranted on about how Lil should have sang like that the night before. Whatever….at this stage of the competition Lil was next in line to go home anyway.
Then came one of the worst 10 minutes in Idol history….a disco medley by aging ’70’s stars Frida Payne, Thelma Houston and KC of KC & The Sunshine Band. Frida sang her only hit, “Band of Gold” and she was stuffed into this gold sparkly dress and has absolutely no vocal ability left, I’m sure of it; then Thelma Houston sang “Don’t Leave Me This Way” and she also looked and sounded old; finally, KC of KC & the Sunshine Band came out and with his giant red shirt and big balding head looked like Tony Soprano, and sang his hit “Get Down Tonight.” Folks, I can’t imagine James Gandolfini doing a worse job than KC did….and dude surely could have used Paula Abdul’s coaching as a dancer too…yikes. And that red shirt….like a popping flash bulb, that image is burned into my eyelids. To make matters worse, this was not a brief medley…..each performer did their entire song, so the whole thing went on for at least 10 minutes…..and each one of them looked like they needed oxygen afterward.
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Last night’s “American Idol” results show had its moments, but none worse than the last few minutes of the episode. Somebody needs to get a handle on things, and fast, because it’s peoples’ lives they are messing with. More on that in a bit.
First of all, when they introduced the judges last night, Paula Abdul was wearing these latex gloves. Was she going to give Simon a prostate exam after the show? Because that’s surely what it looked like. Call her Paula the Proctologist, or to use a “Seinfeld” term, “Asswoman.”
Then they joked about the theme of the show Tuesday, which had the contestants singing songs from the year in which they were born. They razzed Simon Cowell about how old he was, showing a video of a young Frankie Avalon singing “Venus” from that very year. Then they surprised us all by bringing Frankie out live to sing the same song. Dude looks good, like he probably stopped aging around the time all of the current contestants were born. Anyway, Frankie let us all know that the year was 1959, which means Mr. Cowell is going to be 50 this year. That’s October 7 for all of you celebrity gossip hounds.
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