Category: TV (Page 394 of 595)

Scare of the Day: “Ice Spiders”

October 6, 2007 / Will Harris

As God is my witness, I don’t know how anyone could screw up any film with a description like this one:

“At a secret mountain-top government lab, a visionary scientist breeds giant spiders in order to use their super-strong silk to make lightweight body armor and new weapons. Suddenly, the aggressive spiders escape, invading a nearby ski resort and embarking on a killing spree among the guests and staff. Now, it’s up to the mad scientist’s colleague and a former star skier to take control of the chaos…before the entire resort is leveled!”

There’s only one word for this premise: GENIUS.

Unfortunately, if there’s any sort of Giant Spiders Union, then I’d recommend that a designated representative from the organization hightail it over to Sony to protest the God-awful acting in “Ice Spiders.” While I realize that you come to expect a certain level of badness in any Sci-Fi Channel original film, it’s so bad here that, for the first 40 minutes of the movie, I was convinced that there hadn’t been such a waste of giant spiders in a feature-length film since…well, truth be told, I think you’d have to go all the way back to the 1975 Alan Hale, Jr. vehicle, “The Giant Spider Invasion.” (If you’ve never seen it, surf immediately over to the online store of your choice and place an order for “The ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ Collection, Volume 10” right this minute.)

I was never a “Melrose Place” devotee, but I’m led to understand that it’s a vaguely big deal that “Ice Spiders” manages to reunite three of the series’ stars: Thomas Calabro (Dr. Michael Mancini), Patrick Muldoon (Richard Hart), and Vanessa Williams (Rhonda Blair). Calabro does well enough as the leader of the commando unit that’s trying to stop the spiders, but Williams is completely out of her element as a geneticist, and Muldoon turns in such an absolutely awful performance as a former championship skier that you can’t even believe that he’s a professional actor.

Giant spiders and “Melrose Place” fans won’t be the only ones let down by this film. Anyone who spots the DreadCentral.com blurb on the front cover of the DVD and thinks to themselves, “Wow, I didn’t even know I wanted to see a see a film that’s a cross between ‘Eight Legged Freaks’ and ‘Hot Dog: The Movie,’ but now I realize that my life won’t be complete until I do,” should get ready for profound disappointment. This is in no way a comedy. Like 99% of all Sci-Fi Channel original movies, “Ice Spiders” takes itself way more seriously than its budget or performances can stand. It’s a movie about giant spiders, people. There’s only one person in the film who seems to know how to treat the material, and that’s David Millbern, who plays the role of a not-evil-just-misguided scientist like he’s doing a Will Arnett impression, and his delivery is right on the money.

To be fair, the skittering of the obviously-CGI spiders makes for fun viewing, and when our eight-legged friends have the run of the film, you remember that, yes, there was once potential for this movie. Okay, so a film directed by the man who brought you “Mansquito” and “Killer Rats” was never going to be as good as the premise of “Ice Spiders” deserved.

But, dammit, I had such hopes…

By the way, in lieu of a trailer, here’s a clip from the TV Guide Channel where they do an Action Figure Reenactment of a scene from the film. It’s more entertaining than the film itself, but mostly because they repeatedly display that they don’t know a single thing about the movie by inaccurately referring to Vanessa Williams as being the former Miss America and the co-star of “Ugly Betty” when, in fact, it’s the other Vanessa Williams who’s in this:

Actors, Actresses, External Entertainment, External Movies, External TV, Horror Movies, Movies, Reviews, Scare of the Day, TV, TV Sci-Fi

Second Episode Spectacular!

October 5, 2007 / Will Harris

Wow, y’know, I didn’t realize this whole Scare of the Day feature would keep me quite as busy as it has; I’ve only just had the chance to play a little catch-up and watch the second episodes of a couple of this season’s new shows. Here are my thoughts on a couple of the series and how they’re doing…

Reaper – Episode 2 started off with a little too much in the way of shenanigans from the poor man’s Jack Black (my buddy Jim Washington feels certain that that’s how poor Tyler Labine is gonna get labeled, and it’s hard to argue based on the way they portray his character, Sock, during the first quarter of the show this week), but, thankfully, things got back on track once Sam finally got around to starting the hunt for his latest soul. I was disappointed with the way Sam’s mom’s mood changed so dramatically from the pilot and got more upbeat, since it seemed like the darkness pervading her could make for more drama, but the soul recovery was just as enjoyable this time as last, and, of course, Ray Wise continues his reign of awesomeness. In short, I’m still digging it and continue to look forward to more.

Dirty Sexy Money – I think it’s more of a guilty pleasure, but I’m digging this show just as much now as I did in the pilot. It’s got that nighttime soap feel even as it clearly wants to poke fun as the character types that are its primary focus. I particularly enjoyed the beginning sequence which clarified the profound differences between the lives of Nick George and Tripp Darling (the characters played by Peter Krause and Donald Sutherland, respectively). It seems as though it could get a little old if it’s gonna be a weekly occurrence that Nick’s wife is gonna keep harping on about the fact that “this isn’t part of your job description” and “your dad wasted his life on these people, don’t you waste yours as well,” but what can I say? It’s fun watching the obvious parodies of the Hilton siblings, I’m curious to see where they take the storyline of Patrick and his transsexual “mistress,” and, thankfully, they’re clearly steering the mystery of who killed Nick’s dad away from the family. (I was already fearing that that had the potential to be a dead end for the series.) It’s over the top at times to be sure, but with Bryan Singer as a producer for the show, at least you can be confident that it’s over the top with a wink at the audience.

Bionic Woman – I may have watched the whole episode, but I mentally tuned out at the moment Jaime’s sister called her and asked her where her Tenacious D t-shirt was. Remember what I said about how the sister felt less like a character and more like a demographic-satisfying creation? At this point, I couldn’t feel more confident about that declaration. Otherwise, even with the addition of Isaiah Washington to the mix, Episode 2 was pretty shrug-worthy. Damn, I’m glad I started with the backpedaling when I did; otherwise, my face would be pretty damned red right about now.

Actors, Actresses, External Entertainment, External TV, Heroes, Reaper, Reviews, TV, TV Action, TV Comedies, TV Dramas, TV Sci-Fi

Bullz-Eye for the Kiddies, Vol. 3

October 4, 2007 / Will Harris

Yes, yes, we know: the delay between “Bullz-Eye for the Kiddies” entries just keeps getting longer and longer. Look, all we can say is that if you’ve got a kid, we’d like to think you’d be a little understanding about how much trouble it is to find the time to watch something on TV that you want to watch when it in no way matches what your kid wants to watch.

What’s that? You’d think it’d make a difference if what you wanted to watch was actually intended for kids…?

Yeah, you would think that…but, unfortunately, it only makes a difference if it catches their interest within the first five to ten seconds. If it doesn’t tickle their fancy in that amount of time, however, their first line of defense is to repeatedly tell you what they’d rather watch, then getting progressively more loud and more anguished with their clarification until you finally realize that even by winning the battle and watching what you want to watch, you’ve still lost the war because you can’t possibly get anything out of the viewing experience with all that racket going on.

End result: it always takes longer than anticipated to pull these columns together.

So sue me.

Curious George: Rocket Ride and Other Adventures! – It’s only appropriate, I suppose, that I begin with the item which my daughter and I most enjoy watching together. “Curious George” first started on its road to becoming a childhood staple in 1941, when H.A. Rey and Margret Rey released the little monkey’s self-titled adventure, and since then, he’s been involved in plenty of other escapades, not only on the printed page but in other mediums as well. A full-length animated feature in 2006, however, was what led to the animated television series which currently airs on PBS. This DVD features eight adventures from that show – what you’re getting here are four episodes, with two adventures per episode – plus two games and several printable coloring pages which can be accessed via the DVD-ROM. It’s actually a very cute, clever series, with narration from William H. Macy and usually at least a couple of lines per adventure that are clearly intended for the parents rather than the children; plus, most parents have fond memories from their own experiences with George, so it’s hard not to smile along. Most importantly, though, “Curious George” is educational for the kids without making adults feel like they’re losing IQ points while watching it…and, boy, does that go a long way with parents.

Baby Looney Tunes, Volume 3 / Volume 4 – And, now, on to something that my daughter has fallen in love with but that I…well, I can’t muster enough dislike for it to actually hate it, but it’s definitely depressing to me that she’ll watch this but has no interest in the original cartoons. I can only presume that her interest in the show lies in the fact that she can relate to baby-fied versions of characters like Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and the Tasmanian Devil because they’re in diapers…just like her! Unfortunately, as someone who was versed in the classics from the get-go, all I can think is, “So, what, she’s never going to like the original versions of the characters because she’s forever going to associate them with stuff that’s for babies?” Actually, I think the absolute worst part about this is that it didn’t have to be so made so disgustingly “kid-friendly”…and for proof, you need look no farther than “Muppet Babies,” an incredibly clever show that totally transcended its concept. I’ll close this write-up by offering my wife’s biggest concern: if all these baby animals are living in a house with a human “Granny,” then how long is going to take for our kid to ask, “What happened to their parents?” If I were a lesser father, I’d give my daughter some really creative answers to that question…

Actors, Actresses, External Entertainment, External Movie DVDs, External Movies, External TV, Movie DVDs, Movies, Reviews, TV

Kitchen Nightmares: Time To Mix It Up

October 4, 2007 / Mike Farley

Last night’s episode of Gordon Ramsey’s “Kitchen Nightmares” featured another Long Island restaurant, this time The Mixing Bowl in Bellmore. This was a very casual eatery, like a diner style with a very large menu. Owner/chef Billy and his wife Lisa recruited Ramsey for the show to try and turn the place around, because it was losing a lot of money and on the verge of having to shut down.

First, Ramsey arrived and ordered lunch, busting on manager Mike the whole time, who was his waiter. Ramsey was telling Mike he should get into shape, eat more salads, and that he shouldn’t stare at customers while they are eating. This was a sign of things to come, for sure. Anyway, Ramsey liked the food well enough, especially the crab cakes, but it didn’t blow him away. He even said some of it was bland.

At the dinner service, Ramsey saw more problems. First, there were very few customers. Secondly, some of them were eating at a 50% discount, courtesy of coupons the restaurant had been distributing for “10 years,” according to Billy. Ramsey also busted on Mike for all the cheesy signs he had made to try and draw people in, and Mike admitted that none of them worked anyway.

So after showing Billy and Lisa and the staff that in ten years, a whole bunch of restaurants had opened on this stretch in Bellmore, change was necessary. Another trend was that lots of gyms were opening in the area, and Ramsey suggested trending the menu toward fresh, healthy food.

So with a new, fresh menu in place, Ramsey then overhauled the decor to reflect the new cuisine.
Everyone was excited and ready to begin a new chapter. Word spread fast, and with the help of Ramsey, Lisa and Mike recruited customers from nearby gyms, and from the New York Dragons indoor football team.

But that evening at dinner, it was clear Mike was in over his head….the reservations were messed up, and he was just having trouble running a restaurant that was busy for the first time in years. But instead of taking some of the blame, all Mike did was try and point fingers, to the chagrin of everyone else working there. What’s worse, the customers saw Mike’s meltdown.

Instead of firing Mike, Billy and Lisa admitted that they had a problem and gave Mike a second chance. And Mike responded, admitting that he needed to have a “rebirth” himself to help do his part to make The Mixing Bowl a success. Luckily, he did what he said he would and the place turned around. Profits soared, everyone was happy, and most of all, Billy and Lisa were enjoying a better marriage. A feel good story if there ever was one, even on a show with the word “nightmare” in it.

And there were no cockroaches or rats this time. See you next week!

Kitchen Nightmares, Reality TV, TV