Author: Jason Thompson (Page 63 of 67)

Girls gone boring

Last night I woke up around 3:30 needing to take some ibuprofen after coming off the high that was a good night of drinking to the Steelers playoff victory against the Bengals. I grabbed a coke and the pills and got back into bed and switched the tube on for a few minutes to lull myself back to sleepiness. And once again while channel surfing the late night shows, I tripped over the “infomercial” for some “Girls Gone Wild” videos. The guys that created this series have made a fortune, but honestly, I’d love to know who buys them. I like the female body as much as the next person, but I’ll be damned if watching drunk chicks in thongs drunkenly flash their boobs isn’t one of the unsexiest things I’ve ever seen. Someone tell me, what exactly is the thrill of that? Drunk boob shot after drunken boob shot. Oh wait, now they’re kissing each other while fighting off some alcoholic pukes! Act now and get a bonus video with 90 more minutes of this detritus!

I think my 71 year old dad would enjoy it. That older generation still gets a rush out of seeing that kind of poop and thinking it’s “naughty.” Still, I don’t think he’d ever actually plunk down good money for it. I just seriously hate it when boobs get boring. It’s something that should always be mysterious and exciting. Bah…these kids these days having everything far too easy. Respect to the breasts, my brothers and sisters!

He’s back in the limelight. You mean he isn’t dead?

When I was a kid way back in them there ’70s and ’80s, I already thought Gene Shalit was a strange old dude. He must’ve only been in his friggin’ teens as the guy’s still around. It’s Abe Vigoda Syndrome, baby. Anyway, GLAAD is pissed off at Shalit’s recent review of Brokeback Mountain. I guess Gene had decided that it was time to prove he still existed, since only us old schoolers remember him. I mean, Roger Ebert gets older and thinner, and Shalit remains the same scary hairball with each passing year. Thank God we never had to see Gene in a “Battle of the Network Stars” way back when. Can you imagine having to inadvertently discover where the rest of that hair decided to go on his body while watching him in a tug o’ war match? Creepy.

My five favorite Woody Allen flicks

I’m a huge Woody Allen fan and have been ever since I was a kid. Yeah, I’m one of those types that could relate to the poor shlub even as a pre teen. And even though the man’s movies haven’t done much for me since perhaps Bullets Over Broadway, that still leaves a whole lot left that I still love to watch. Here then are my own five personal favorites from the vast Woody Allen catalog.

1. Stardust Memories – In which Allen creates a loving tribute to Fellini a-la 8 1/2 and manages to piss off some of his fans and critics at the same time. This is the one in which he plays Sandy, a comedic filmmaker who doesn’t want to make comedies anymore. But he’s been invited to be a guest speaker at a film festival of his own movies. So off he goes reluctantly while battling it out with the movie studio that’s making his latest picture. They want it to be funny and have a “Jazz Heaven.” Sandy just wants peace and quiet. In the meantime, he’s haunted by memories of his schizo ex-girlfriend. Indeed, this is the film with the classic line “I love your movies, especially the earlier, funny ones.” It’s too bad, then, that Woody took his uptown like in NYC far too fucking seriously later on and began doling out a series of interchangable films with too few laughs.

2. Bananas – And before he became so damned seriously amusing, Woody started out making hilarious, slapstick-influenced features. In Bananas, Woody is Fielding Mellish (quite possibly the best character name of all time), a products tester who finds himself joining the rebel forces in a recently overthrown San Marcos. Before you know it, he becomes the leader and much madness ensues. There are too many great jokes here to list, but among my favorites is when Allen invites Louise Lasser in to his apartment where he can “open a can of ribs” if she’s hungry. Lots of cameos in this one, too, including Howard Cosell, Sylvester Stallone, and Conrad Bain and Charlotte Rae (!) whom if you recall respectively became Mr. Drummond and Mrs. Garrett on “Dif’frent Strokes” and “The Facts of Life.” A ragtime-infested musical score by Marvin Hamlisch rounds out the groove of this classic.

3. Take The Money And Run – This is Allen’s first wrting/directing/starring debut and it still holds up with lots of laughs. Woody plays a bumbling petty thief who can’t do anything right. He spends a lot of time going into and breaking out of prisons, and falling in love, natch. Probably the most famous scene is the one which he goofs a bank hold up with a misspelled note (“What’s this…’Apt natural’?”; “I’m pointing a gub at you.”). Other classic scenes find Allen playing cello in a marching band and trying to keep with it during a parade down main street, and some hilarious moments on a chain gang (especially during said gang’s escape). It’s another screwball comedy, but no one made ’em like this. No one still does.

4. Zelig – Woody plays the “human chameleon” Leonard Zelig in this bizarre mockumentary. Long before Forrest Gump wowed audiences by putting Tom Hanks into various old news reel clips with the help of some fancy computers, Allen did it here first with good old opticals. It apparently took a lot of hard work and effort, but the visuals here are far more strking and funny than those of Gump. Mia Farrow plays a doctor who wants to cure Leonard of his affliction (he can turn into anyone because he has self-image problems) and ultiamtely falls in love with him. During one portion of the therapy, Zelig is placed under hypnosis where he tells Farrow how much he hates her pancakes. There’s also a zippy tune called “Doing The Chameleon” that sticks in your mind for long afterward. This is definitely one of Allen’s forays into the esoteric, and like Stardust Memories, not everyone loves it, but it’s one of those experiments that paid off and became more well-loved years later.

5. Radio Days – Allen only narrates this feature, a terrific memoir of his childhood days when the radio was everything and nobody knew what a TV really was. For those of us who were born far too late to have experienced any of it, it can certainly make you want to have been there and lived through the times. Lots of great performances here, with the best probably coming from Dianne Wiest, who plays Woody’s good-timing Aunt Bea. Mia Farrow also excels here, putting forth her best comedic performance ever as Sally White who has a really thick Noo Yawk accent. Her diction lessons are hilarious, and when she finally does overcome her affliction, she gets to sing one of the best fictional jingles ever, “Get Regular With ReLax”, for a laxative commercial. Decoder rings, nostalgia, and a killer soundtrack of really great old pop tunes make this a must.

She really did it!

Because our own Mike Wazowski can’t get enough of me reporting on her, and since it seems to be big news everywhere else I’m turning today, the sad facts are in. yes, Lindsay Lohan tried drugs and battled bulimia. Although she wants you to know that she never did cocaine, because “it’s a sore spot.” As if her stomach, muscles, and joints aren’t? Ha! Now, now, I’d like to wish Lindsay all the best. It’s nice to see her filling out once more. This leads to me a burning question, however. Do vegans who become bulimics just turn to dust instantly?

And can we rename this site Premium Lohan?

Lohan in it again

No, not a car wreck, but the hospital this time. Yes, Lindsay Lohan has been hospitalized for an asthma attack. This is what she gets for being too intimate with Herbie while he’s fully loaded and she was sucking fumes off his tail pipe. Ah well, even though her new album sucks a big one (her cover of “I Want You To Want Me” is ultra-creepy given the context of the rest of the album being a series of melodramatic messages thrown at her father), she’s still more entertaining than Ashlee Simpson and would never let a little old thing like asthma sideline her entire career.

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