God bless Entertainment Weekly’s Popwatch for linking to this video of Tom Cruise attempting to get jiggy with it on BET, boarding his inner soul train, doing a new dance that must be called “the motorcycle,” and looking, as EW put it, “not a thing like like the Ricardo Montalban bobblehead on the dash of your crazy drunk uncle’s pickup.”
Can’t top that. Ain’t gonna try.
In a recent interview with a DJ for LA’s Power 106, white-boy rap failure Kevin Federline indicated that he would like to have a threesome with wife Britney Spears and actress Jessica Alba.
As would, presumably, nearly every heterosexual male between the ages of 12 and 90…particularly if they could be guaranteed that the Britney involved would be the “…Baby One More Time” Catholic schoolgirl they remember from 1999, and not the Cheeto-gobbling, white-trash-marrying single parent we know today.
When informed of the weed fiend’s comments, a spokesperson for Jessica Alba replied that the actress was flattered by Kevin’s interest, and that she and boyfriend Cash Warren would certainly consider engaging in a threesome with Britney Spears, but that, regrettably, Kevin Federline could not be involved because “Jessica doesn’t do bestiality.”
Just after signing on to take over for Meredith Viera on “The View,” Rosie O’Donnell’s agents informed her that, as part of the deal, she is prohibited from cutting her hair…because we all know what happens when Rosie goes to the barber on her own:
Of course, Rosie’s diplomatic publicist assures us that the no-hair-cutting proviso is a “standard clause” in television contracts, and not something designed to prevent the once-and-future daytime queen from frightening small children with the look we might once have referred to as “the linebacker mullet.”
In addition to the requirement that Rosie maintain her longer, less overtly masculine hairstyle, other “standard clauses” in her contract prohibit her from:
– Mentioning her completely unconvincing and gag-inducing crush on Tom Cruise
– Continuing to buy her entire wardrobe at Wal-Mart
– Writing haikus of any kind, on any topic
– Eating any of “The View’s” VIP guests (B-listers are fine, if eaten sparingly); and
– Having sex with women
Honestly, is there anything more hilarious than the idea of Andy Dick getting in a bar fight? I mean, Andy Dick getting in a bar fight is like Colin Farrell knitting a tea cozy: it just ain’t gonna happen…but if by some quirk of nature it does, prepare to watch in shock, wonder and amusement.
Anyway, the dustup — which we are sure included more cat-scratching, hissy-fitting and girly slapping than actual fighting — apparently occurred in Edinboro, Pennsylvania, where Andy was promoting the release of his directorial debut, “Danny Roane.”
Oh, wait: THAT’s more hilarious than Andy Dick in a bar fight: Andy Dick directing a movie. Guess it wasn’t so hard to think of something after all.
David Copperfield was robbed at gunpoint in West Palm Beach last week. Or, more specifically, his two female companions were robbed at gunpoint, while David “turned his pockets inside out to show that they were empty – a sleight of hand by the master illusionist, who later showed police that his pockets were filled with cell phones, a wallet and a passport.”
Fortunately, despite unchivalrously allowing his female companions to be separated from their plane tickets, a passport, a cell phone, and upwards of $500 in cash, while he himself retained all his valuables, Copperfield did eventually save the day by writing down the gunmen’s license plate number and reporting it to the police. Four teenagers were subsequently arrested for the crime, and will serve as assistants in Copperfield’s next grand illusion: the notorious “Four Thugs Chained Together In a Box with a King Cobra” bit that has yet to be performed without multiple fatalities.
Just in time for May sweeps!
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