This was already ridiculous. Now it’s offensive. (Props to JustJared, via Defamer)
Defamer has a nifty little caption-filled post of this shot, detailing everything that’s wrong with it, but we’ll simply say: nice beach ball, Katie. And hey, if nothing else, this enables us to do a little Katie/Not Katie side-by-side comparison studies.
One thing’s for sure: neither one of them is pregnant, and only one of them can actually get pregnant.
Most will probably react with righteous indignation at the suggestion that President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk was pulling the strings behind the day’s events; but not me, and not for the reasons you might think. It’s only television, after all, and the truth is that we simply don’t know enough to have any idea why Logan and Robocop are in bed together, so there’s no real point in trying to figure out what the connection is. That information has not been revealed yet. For all we know, Wayne Palmer is lording something over Logan, which is why Logan plotted to have David Palmer killed. Anything is possible. It’s late, I’m tired, and I’m willing to wait until next week to obtain more intel before I bust another cap in the ass of an innocent.
Carl Spackler’s prediction about Evelyn came to fruition this week, but of course they made her a sympathetic baddie. Hell, she wasn’t even a baddie at all, just someone who tried to get info to President Palmer before Robocop killed her daughter. Of course, Vice President Leland Palmer (man, this whole former President/current Vice President Palmer thing is getting confusing) spotted Palmer with Agent Pierce at the compound, which may wind up signing Old Yeller’s death warrant, since he lied to the VP about why Wayne Palmer was on the premises. Leland extended to Wayne what appeared to be the most insincere, sleaziest condolences you’ve ever heard, but what if he’s telling the truth? They set us up to not trust him, and I feel like an idiot for buying it.
There are a lot of things at play here. When the episode ended, I looked at Buffybot and said, “My head hurts.” We thought that Leland Palmer was a baddie because he’s hell-bent on seeing Homeland Security absorb CTU, and that gave him motive for manipulating the day’s events, since his actions are directly interfering with CTU’s ability to do their job. But it’s actually even sweeter that Leland Palmer and Chicken Little are acting alone with separate agendas. When Leland came in to tell Logan that Wayne Palmer was there, you almost got the sense that Leland knew something, but maybe that’s nothing. That’s the thing about “24”; when you think it’s something, it’s nothing. When you think it’s nothing, it’s something.
So what to make of Audrey’s Faustian deal with Homeland Security that ran Buchanan out of town on a rail? Entertainment Weekly revealed that Kim Raver, the actress that plays Audrey, has signed on for a new show, which suggests that Audrey bites it, and soon. Will it be at the hands of Buchanan? I doubt it…
…but suddenly I’ve started to wonder if Secretary of Defense James Heller, Audrey’s father, isn’t somehow involved in all of this. Obviously I have no info to prove that, but if they’re willing to make both the President and Vice President bad guys, why not the Secretary of Defense? If we know anything about Logan, it’s that he is easily intimidated. I’m sure that he is not doing what he’s doing because he wants to, but because he thinks he has to. James Heller, on the other hand, has balls of steel. He’s stared down his own execution on national television. Perhaps Heller is the man that’s pulling Robocop’s strings. Jack said it himself; Robocop is a soldier, not a terrorist. Heller strikes me as the kind of guy that Robocop would follow to the ends of the earth, if the price was right.
And man, are Kim and Ponyboy really gone for the rest of the season? What a ripoff! I thought for sure that they would make at least one more appearance. Why even come back at all? And don’t think that the curfew isn’t going to come back into play. They didn’t bring that up for nothing. This was Hour 16, which is mathematically the end of Act II. Seeing Chicken Little as the baddie is a hell of a way to finish that. Let’s hope Act III sustains the suspense.
Based on Sunday’s estimates:
1) Ice Age: The Meltdown: $70.5 million (first week)
Scrat is the best actor in Hollywood, period.
2) Inside Man: $15.6 million ($52.7 million, second week)
I wonder if there really is a statute 36DD.
3) ATL: $12.5 million (first week)
Didn’t Fitty Cent just release this movie a couple months ago? And didn’t that one suck, too?
4) Failure to Launch: $6.6 million ($73.2 million, fourth week)
There are so many jokes you can write involving being naked with bongos.
5) V for Vendetta: $6.4 million ($56.8 million, third week)
Say hello, wave goodbye, Wachowski Brothers.
Proof that there is a god: “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” dropped to eleventh place, while “Basic Instinct 2” debuted in tenth place, with a take of $3.2 million. We expect its final number to be even lower.
Proof there isn’t a god: “Slither” got crushed, finishing eighth with a take of $3.6 million.
Don’t look now, but “Saturday Night Live” is getting funny again. Thanks to a massive infusion of good young talent, featuring Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Kristin Wiig and Jason Sudeikis, “SNL” is better than it’s been in years, due in large part to the now-famous Digital Shorts “Lazy Sunday” and “A Day in the Life of Natalie Portman.” The kids are the stars…
…and you better believe that the repertory players know it. Screen time for nearly all of the veterans has dropped to the point where many of them are making their first appearance in the “five to one-er” (the last skit of the night). I smell blood in the water, and expect there to be a massive overhauling of the cast in the offseason. But don’t take my word for it: Lorne Michaels has already said as much as early as December. I’d link to the article, but it’s the New York Times, and you have to pay per piece online. Fuck that.
And so, I decided to go through the cast of repertory players (there is no doubt in our minds that all featured players will be repertory players next season) and predict which ones will be back for another year.
Fred Armisen: Stays. Fred isn’t the funniest guy on the staff – if anything, he is the king of uncomfortable humor, like his Indian standup comedian and those Goddamned Nuni skits – but he’s game for anything (three words: Camilla Parker Bowles) and does enough writing to keep himself involved each week. Loved his George Carlin impression during the Sean Penn Celebrity Roast, though. And the Prince Show. Always love the Prince Show. Pity Prince was too cool for school to appear on it when he was the musical guest.
Rachel Dratch: Gone. This is a bittersweet prediction, as I saw Rachel numerous times when she was a member of Second City, and she was always a ton of fun to watch. But her funniest skit was Sully & Denise, starring former cast member Jimmy Fallon. Everything else they’ve given her – Debbie Downer, Abe Sheinwald, Sheldon – should never have become recurring skits. And don’t even get me started on that deformed baby thing. She’s become the butt of every joke, and she deserves better than that. Expect her to walk.
Tina Fey: Gone. This one hurts the most. She is the best “Weekend Update” anchor in the show’s history, and as head writer has come up with some of “SNL’s” best work of the last nine years. But she just had a baby, and is starting her own show (currently dubbed “Untitled Tina Fey Project”), along with writing another movie (“Curly Oxide and Vic Thrill”). That’s an awful lot on one plate, which means something has to give. Sadly, we think it’s “SNL.” Man, I hope I’m wrong about this one.
Will Forte: Stays. Every show needs a straight man, and for “SNL” that man is Will. Plus, that Zell Miller impression is to die for. Think that vein in his forehead will ever pop?
Darrell Hammond: Stays. The ability to do impressions of every news personality is a huge plus (though I miss the Hardball skits), not to mention Trump, Cheney, and…Don Knotts? Wow, was that awesome, even if he didn’t look a thing like him. The new kids’ talents as master impressionists – Hader and Wiig are possibly the best impressionists the show has ever seen – is going to feed right into Hammond’s wheelhouse. He’s not going anywhere.
Seth Meyers: Stays. The biggest stone cold lead pipe lock of them all. He takes over as head writer when Tina Fey leaves, which means we should prepare for lots and lots of Appalachian Emergency Room and Needlers skits. Luckily for me, I think those skits are hilarious.
Finesse Mitchell: Gone. Where’s a brother gonna get some screen time? Finesse has been getting shafted left and right lately, and unlike Tracey Morgan, he doesn’t have the arsenal of recurring skits (Brian Fellows, Astronaut Jones) to guarantee him some face time. If I were him, watching all these punk-ass kids taking all of the scenes, I’d start working on a new standup routine and hit the road, jack.
Chris Parnell: Stays. He and Andy Samberg are clearly brothers from another mother, and their love of rap satire will carry both of them for years to come. A straight man in the Will Forte mold, but also willing to let it all hang out (Tyler in the Appalachian Emergency Room skits, Merv the Perv), Parnell may not be a marquee name, but his influence is undeniable.
Amy Poehler: Stays. An even bigger lock than Seth Meyers. She’s the only female cast member to get as much or more time than Kristen Wiig, and they will need her to usher in the new era of Weekend Update once Tina Fey leaves. Oh, and she’s also the funniest woman on the cast, though Wiig is giving her a run for her money.
Maya Rudolph: Gone. I love Maya, but she’s done. She, like Tina Fey, just had a baby, and isn’t getting into nearly enough skits to justify working the crazy hours that go into putting an “SNL” show together. She was in, what, one skit in the Matt Dillon episode? Why even bring her back from maternity leave? Of course, losing her means losing the Prince Show, and that is unfortunate. On the plus side, it means that we never had to see that annoying-as-fuck Nuni skit with Fred Armisen. Are you getting the impression that I don’t like the Nuni skit?
Horatio Sanz: Gone. Simply put, he hasn’t been the same since Jimmy Fallon left. He provided invaluable support to every Sully & Denise skit, not to mention his bits in Jarred’s Room as Gobi and those Hussein/Bin Laden skits that degenerated into uncontrollable fits of laughter, something that would have been frowned upon by the “SNL” founding fathers. He was a sport for filling in for Tina Fey on Weekend Update when she was on maternity leave, but all of his partners in crime are gone, and he seems to be adrift these days. The biggest fear in this prediction being true: there will be a “Boat Trip 2.” But we kid; not even Sanz would sign on for that movie.
Kenan Thompson: Stays: He has ten times the versatility of Finesse Mitchell, and his Deep House Dish skits are money (yes, Rachel Dratch is his co-host, but all he does is humiliate her, which is pretty much what everyone does to Dratch these days. She can be replaced, no harm done). And even if he didn’t have those, there is his spot-on impression of Bill Cosby. Besides, how do you get rid of the co-star of what will surely be the most successful cult movie of all time, “Snakes on a Plane“?
One last thought: I find it curious that the page that contained links to all of the cast biographies featured a picture of Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri. What a slap in the face of the current cast. Shame on you, Lorne.
Here is where “24” has improved upon the mistakes it made in seasons past. This is clearly a bridge episode, one where Homeland Security slowly digs its claws into CTU while Jack gets thisclose to getting the Warlock. Of course, in the process of saving the world, Jack had to blow some shit up. The episode ended with Jack and the Warlock getting stuck in a police car at a gas facility that Jack had just rigged to explode. They tried to make it look like we don’t know if they survived, but please, do you really kill the show’s star and villain with ten episodes to go? Yeah, I didn’t think so, either.
First thing’s first: the interrogation of Audrey. Now, “Entertainment Weekly” has already exposed the fact that Kim Raver, the actress who plays Audrey Raines, just signed up for another drama, which means that Audrey’s all but a goner…but not this week, even though it certainly looked like Jack was going to torture her worse than he did Robocop. And here is where Homeland Security’s plot comes into play. It’s chilling to think about, that one branch of government would basically lay siege upon another. And yet, that’s exactly what this episode was all about. Let me explain.
Exhibit A: The People vs. Chloe O’Brien. Chloe finally gets some IT help in the name of a girl named Shari, who looks a lot like the Sandra Bullock girl that for all intents and purposes cost Edgar his life. Shari is almost instantly smothered by Homeland chicken-hawk Miles, and when Shari does something that Miles disapproves of, Chloe covers for her, since Shari had told her earlier that Miles had made unwanted advances towards her on a previous assignment (the record of which is conveniently sealed), and Miles is clearly out for revenge. Chloe, very much the Humphrey Bogart “I don’t stick my neck out for nobody” type, made a fatal mistake here, since Shari was never assaulted by Miles. Stick with me on this.
Exhibit B: The People vs. Bill Buchanan. Bill, obviously, didn’t like the way that Homeland Security BSD (read “Liars’ Poker” if you don’t know what that stands for) Karen Hayes was pushing CTU around, and he did everything he could to vouch for the integrity of his people, including suspected baddie Audrey Raines. Hayes was not at all pleased by the angle that CTU took towards nullifying an agreement that Jack had made with the Femme Fatale information broker so that they could interrogate her in order to learn more info…or so it seemed. In truth, they freaking loved what CTU was doing, but kept their mouths shut for the time being. Meanwhile, Shari conveniently informed both Bill and Chloe about the whole PSI/VX gas thing, and when Buchanan patted Shari on the back for a job well done, Shari said, “Did you see the way he touched me like that? That wasn’t right.” Chloe, like the rest of us, looked at Shari like she was nuts.
But Shari’s not nuts: she’s just playing her role in a spectacular hustle, orchestrated by Homeland Security to rid CTU of its most faithful, and therefore troublesome, employees. There was never any case of sexual harassment between Shari and Miles; they were good cop and bad cop, playing Chloe and Buchanan against each other unwittingly. Now, they have Chloe down for allowing her underlings to act outside of protocol, and they have Buchanan down for making “unwanted sexual advances” towards a subordinate. As a bonus, they have Bauer for taking out the security guard assigned to protect our femme fatale information broker, not to mention Hayes’ “assertion” that Bauer didn’t interrogate Audrey to the fullest extent in order to get the information they were looking for, despite the fact that Audrey never possessed that information in the first place. Homeland will then take the information that those three did extract, claim it as their own, and run CTU out of town on a rail.
And we haven’t even gotten to the scenes for next week. It looks as though one of our conspiracy theorists – forgive me if I don’t credit you by name, I don’t keep a spreadsheet of everyone’s theories – was dead on about the First Lady’s assistant Evelyn. She is seen admitting that she has information about the day’s events. The big question is: why did she keep it to herself? Did she think she’d wind up dead like President Palmer, or wind up “dead” like Walt Cummings? When I say “dead,” I am not implying that Walt isn’t dead. He’s certainly dead, but I wouldn’t bet the farm that he killed himself. That is probably why Evelyn, wisely, kept mum. She didn’t know whom she could trust. That White House, it appears, is crawling with chickens and hawks. Good thing this never happens in real life or anything, because that would be downright scary.
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