I know what you “Hell’s Kitchen” fans are thinking: “What the hell…? Who’s this Will Harris guy, and why the hell is he writing the blog this week?” And although I do not claim to be Nostradamus, I will even go a step further and offer up what you’ll be thinking when you discover that, on most weeks, I don’t even watch “Hell’s Kitchen”: “What makes you think you can just step in from out of the blue and fill Mike Farley’s shoes?” It’s possible that some of you may have even tacked a “you son of a bitch” on the end, but maybe that’s just a bit of self-loathing on my part.
Well, here’s the situation: Mr. Farley found himself in the unenviable position of playing in a writer’s round last night, and with only one recorder available to him and two shows to blog (the other, of course, being “The Biggest Loser”). As such, he dropped me a line and asked me with all due politeness if I’d be willing to do him a favor and blog “Hell’s Kitchen” for him…and, thankfully, the specified bribe cleared my bank account just in time for me to do right by him. So I ask you to allow me a bit of latitude if I should be unaware of previous goings-on, and with that, let us move forward into the bloggery of last night’s two-hour extravaganza.
(Actually, it was just two one-hour episodes than ran back to back, but let’s not spoil it for Fox, because I think they wanted to pretend that they were really doing something special.)
As we begin, Tennille is positively giddy at Suzanne’s departure to the Blue Team, but with that said, she’s clearly no more confident of her team’s chances for success now that she’s gone. Meanwhile, Kevin is lecturing Suzanne about not screwing with the Blue Team dynamic, and even though she’s claiming that she’s had her wake-up call, he’s not buying it. When the newly revised Red and Blue Teams arrive in the kitchen, Chef Scott is there, relishing the opportunity to glower at them for the brief moments before the video screen falls from the sky and reveals that Gordon’s flown to Whistler, BC, where one of the remaining contestants will be working in the very near future.
Chef Ramsey announces that their challenge is to take 15 ingredients considered local to Whistler and make three entrees out of them without repeating any ingredients. From the moment the starting pistol is fired, it’s clear that neither team’s new additions are going to get any respect…which is a shame, as Sabrina could’ve saved Tennille from the embarrassment of thinking that the venison she served up was actually lamb. (Even I suspected it was lamb, and I’ve only eaten venison once or twice.) Should Sabrina have ‘fessed up rather than attempt petty revenge for being virtually shut out of the proceedings? Well, I thought so, but then I haven’t seen her performances in previous episodes.
When Chef Ramsey arrived with his guest judges, Sasha Cohen and Johnny Mosley, my mind immediately went to The Food Network’s “What Would Brian Boitano Make?” Seriously, is there some new trend involving Olympic medalists and food-related television? Also, I’m not exactly sure why Cohen and Mosley were good picks as guest judges, anyway, since I presume their palates are no more refined than the average person’s, but whatever. In the end, the Blue Team won the day, though it sure was fun to watch Tennille squirm. “Uh, initially, I thought it was lamb…” You LIE! It served her right that she – along with the rest of her teammates – were given the glorious job of going to local farm to milk cows and clean the pig pen. Meanwhile, the Blue Team enjoyed a nice meal at Campanile and relished the opportunity to chat with Mark Peele.
Next challenge: the teams were given the opportunity to make their own menus, each featuring three appetizers, three entrees, and three desserts. Once again, the Blue Team kicked some ass, this time right out of the starting gate, whereas the Red Team found themselves hindered by Tennille’s attempts to cull a decent menu. Ariel was diplomatic when she said that Tennille’s suggestions were “not fine dining suggestions.” Sabrina came far closer to the mark with her choice of adjective: “stupid.” (That might explain why she was unafraid to throw her teammate under the bus when presenting the menu to Chef Ramsey.) The instantly underwhelming reactions from the Hell’s Kitchen patrons to their menu showed that Sabrina was onto something, and, worse, when they finally did start getting orders, Tennille immediately demonstrated an inability to handle Swiss chard, and Ariel proceeded to turn in some stone cold appetizers. D’oh…
The blue team maintained a pretty decent roll – minus Ben’s unintentionally blackened scallops – up until the point where Dave went down for the count with an injury, one which I get the impression is recurring from earlier in the season. From there, Sabrina was incredibly slow with her entrees, and Van had a loud and obnoxious confrontation with Chef Ramsay over a counter that hadn’t been wiped down. But it was the issues with the halibut and both teams’ inability to cook it accordingly that led to an eventual kitchen shutdown. Dave was pissed (and you can’t blame him, given that he had survived his injury and returned to his station), but he wasn’t really the issue, anyway. In the end, it came down to Sabrina vs. Van. She tried to defend herself, despite Tennille’s bitchy head-shaking in the background, but it was pointless: Chef Ramsay bid her adieu nonetheless.
And so we move on to the second hour of our two-hour spectacular (:::snickering:::), which begins with the members of the teams…or, rather, the team, since they’re now officially combined into one group…receiving congratulatory presents for making it into the Final 6: black-trimmed kitchen smocks. (Yeah, I know, they’re probably not really called smocks, but whatever. Hell, they look like lab coats to me.)
When the group arrived, they were shocked to find Chef Ramsay cooking them a dish to taste: filet of beef with truffles, the signature dish of his London restaurant. The six were all suitably impressed, though it was really only a prelude to the next challenge: a “taste it and make it” scenario. The group broke off into pairs – Van and Ariel, Tennille and Kevin, Suzanne and Dave – and set off to perform what Dave referred to as an “autopsy” of the meal in question, which consisted of fish, garnish, puree, and sauce. Of their new groupings, Ariel was concerned that she was paired with someone who’d just been on the chopping block, while Dave conceded to being less than thrilled with Suzanne but was willing to make it work. The preparation process really only saw one horrifying moment, but it had the potential to be a crucial one, with Van dropping his turbot on the floor and having to start from scratch, thereby upping the chances that he might repeat his issues with undercooked fish. As it happens, it wasn’t an issue: the winning group was Suzanne and Dave. I couldn’t blame Suzanne for allowing herself a bit of audible pride about the fact that they guessed right about the sauce being passion-fruit-based (and it was nice to see Tennille get pissy), but, really, Dave was the one who recognized the fruit, not her. Well, either way, the two of them still got to share the experience of having dinner at London, West Hollywood, with Season 4’s victor, Christina Machamer.
The losing four chefs had to suffer through some grunt work, and we had to suffer through some more of Tennille’s bitching, so I guess it was only to be expected that, upon their return, Dave and Suzanne were greeted with some seriously shitty attitudes from their fellow contestants. The final task for the evening was to put together a romantic evening at Hell’s Kitchen, with a seemingly innocuous menu featuring chopped salad and porterhouse. Kevin was in the dining room, trying to work hand in hand with Suzanne on hot appetizers, but her inability to count tortellini led to a quick lack of trust between them. Elsewhere, Van got so wound up in his attempts to cook his fish thoroughly that he A) started early, thereby pissing Chef Ramsay off, and B) worked himself so hard that he started sweating into the food. Um, ew. He started complaining that Ramsay is constantly making him look like a bitch, but, Van, have you considered the possibility that you might be a bitch?
Surprisingly, Tennille ended up being the closest thing to a victor in the challenge, thanks to the speed and accuracy of her cooking, but Van only proceeded to fall apart further, doing exactly the same thing that he’d done last time. It literally put Ramsay in the fetal position, and when Van’s actions were followed by Ariel blundering with the garnish, the normally unflappable Chef Ramsay literally walked out. Fortunately, Tennille took the reigns of command, but Ariel and Suzanne both proceeded to suffer at the attempts to expedite the food delivery, and Van…? Forget that dude. His face was beet red, and his composure was long gone. When Ramsay finally came back, it was clear that Van, Suzanne, and Ariel were doomed, and he told them as much soon enough, though the Chef’s wrath was not so substantial that he couldn’t find it in his heart to compliment the other three for rising above and performing in exemplary fashion.
Suzanne and Ariel were offered up as the week’s sacrificial lambs, but, frankly, I couldn’t believe they didn’t put up Van, given that it was back to back fuck-ups on his part…and, obviously, Tennille agreed with me. Van, of course, couldn’t resist taking the chance to be his usual loudmouth self, and I have to believe that it’s what served as the final nail in his coffin, especially since Ramsay offered as his final piece of advice, “Keep it cool and let your food do the talking.” Is it me, or don’t you kind of wish he’d given Van that nugget of truth in the season premiere?
Well, that’s it, folks: my guest blogging of “Hell’s Kitchen” has reached its conclusion. Here’s hoping I lived up to Mike’s standards!
