The only way tonight’s episode of “24” could have been more ludicrous is if it featured a special appearance by Ludacris. Scene after scene contained moments of jaw-dropping ridonculousness (yes, Will, I said it again), be it the dialogue – when Tina’s sister shrieked “You killed her!” at Jackie Bauer, I actually said, “Oh, fuck you” back at the screen – or the laughable attempt by Billy Walsh to frame Erika for everything. I’m actually sad that Erika is dead, because after she had the meltdown in the bathroom, I came up with the perfect nickname for her: Beaker.

Billy Walsh is a dumb, mother, fucker. He kills Beaker, and then shoots himself in an attempt to frame her for everything, without a thought about fingerprints, powder burns, etc. Nope, just toss the gun in her general direction, that should be enough to fool the freaking FBI. Can you picture Gil Grissom investigating that scene? He’d look at the Feds and say, “You’re joking, right?” And if I’m Dudley Do-Right, I don’t care what kind of yarn Billy spins for me; dude is the only living witness to a crime scene. Get his arm patched up, and send him straight to Interrogation Room A to make his “statement.” Don’t forget the pliers and a blowtorch.

Ah, but Beaker wasn’t the only one to bite it this week. Tina does something completely reckless and downright heroic by causing Ike Turner’s driver to crash. (I love how Jack was already pulling the trigger as he was yelling “Put your hands on your head!” at the driver.) Did anyone else find it strange, though, that Tina went from conscious to dead faster than it would take to actually shoot someone to death? Jackie gave up on trying to revive her almost as soon as she started CPR. She made this big scene – several scenes, in fact – about how she said she would protect Tina, yet you wouldn’t have known it from her half-assed attempt to resuscitate her. They should have had her go all Ed Harris in “The Abyss” on Tina. “Fight! Fight!” (*slaps Tina*) That would have been both awesome and fitting, since her character is experiencing all sorts of rage and conflict.

“Listen, baby, I love you for helping me betray our country, but there’s no way I’m leaving my wife for you. Have you seen her? She’s hot. And you talk like a muppet.”

So they kill Beaker and Tina, but First Daughter Olivia Taylor continues to live and breathe. If anyone is looking for proof on why life isn’t fair, there it is. The scene between her and Mommy Dearest was hilarious, with Olivia acting like a sullen teenager. For a minute, I could have sworn that Olivia was even holding her breath, and man, was I hoping that Madame Prez would call her on it. “You realize that I have the power to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘You’re grounded,’ right?”

So the slap fight between Jack and Jackie didn’t end in rough sex, as one commenter predicted, but it actually ended better than that. Is there anyone who is on Jackie’s side of this debate? I know I’m not, and I loved Jack telling her in not so many words, “We have a shitty job to do, so suck it up or quit.” Are we supposed to take her declaration that she was prepared to shoot him as foreshadowing? Ah, who am I kidding. This show never follows up on any of the seeds it plants. Remember Jack’s “nephew” from last season?

This week’s Big Reveal is that the young punk running point on this whole campaign is none other than the assistant to Senator Blaine “my name is a major appliance” Mayer (henceforth known as Senator Red Forman). A brilliant move on the writers’ part, actually, since his boss already wants Jack Bauer behind bars. Still, you had to love the look on his face right before the final clock, when he realized that he was about to be in the line of fire. Hey, if you’re going to commit high treason against your country, be prepared to make some sacrifices.

My wife did not like the conversation between Tony and Jack on the steps. Tony seemed a little off to her, and I see what she means. Could they be opening the door for Tony to still be a bad guy? I hope not, for a couple of reasons, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see. And as Inigo Montoya once said, I hate waiting.

Lastly, the selfish writing staff of “24” are getting stingy with the ‘Damn its.’ Only one this week (Beaker). Don’t they realize that people are playing a drinking game to their show? Come on, guys, do your job.