Year: 2006 (Page 165 of 228)

Attack of the Russian marshmallow flesh-eating gremlin cyborg killing machines

Forget what you learned in History class: All you need to know about the events of the past, present and future has been diligently captured by Paul Kerensa, creator of The Movie Timeline.

For example:

Andy Dufresne was unjustly sent to Shawshank a few short months before someone else was framed: Roger Rabbit.

James Cole of “Twelve Monkeys” was lucky to be locked in a mental hospital upon his return to 1990 from the future; had he shown up in Perfection, Nevada that year instead, he would surely have been nabbed by one of the giant Graboid worms of “Tremors.”

While Ellen Ripley is peacefully enjoying hypersleep (“Aliens,”) the Oracle prophesizes that Morpheus will discover the second coming of The One.

In 1984, the U.S. was invaded by Russians, the Sta-Puf marshmallow man, gremlins, flesh-eating zombies, and a T-800 killing machine from the future. Rough year.

The premise of the site is simple: Everything that ever happened in a movie is fair game for the timeline. Submissions are welcome. Entertainment is guaranteed. Time-wasting is unavoidable. Resistance is futile (okay, that’s a TV reference…but still true).

Don’t lie to the FBI

Lest ye be wanting some trouble. And trouble it is for director John McTiernan, who is charged with lying to the feds in a case against “celebrity sleuth” Anthony Pellicano. Seems the director of “The Hunt For Red October” wantes some wiretapping done, but denied any knowledge of it when the big boys came a-knockin’. Pellicano himself faces up to 20 years for racketeering charges. Some of the famous names Pellicano has illegally wiretapped include Kevin Nealon and Garry Shandling. Wow. Who the hell needed those two guys spied upon? Mike Douglas and Carrot Top? Yeesh.

This is what happens when Patton Oswalt meets the secondary cast from “Mr. Show”…

…but David Cross and Bob Odenkirk aren’t around to keep the geeks from running the asylum.

And I’m not just talking your garden-variety, ordinary geeks.

No, sir, these are full-on Super Nerds.

This was a failed pilot for Comedy Central, starring Patton Oswalt…

po

…and Brian Posehn.

bo

The former works at a comic book store, and the latter is his buddy who just hangs out there and reads comics. In this, the pilot, we meet the owner of the store – a Russian, played by John Ennis – and we also witness Patton’s character meet up with a girl who went to high school with him…and who has a crush on him. You’d like to think it’s an alternative universe, since the girl is played by Sarah Silverman…but if she’ll fall for Jimmy Kimmel, you can just about buy that she’d fall for Patton Oswalt.

Anyway, long story short, this is a geek’s paradise and incredibly accurate in its representation of uber-geeks (and, believe me, I know of what I speak; only now that I’m married and have a child can I comfortably admit to having attended a comic / sci-fi convention in my time)…but in no way will you be surprised that didn’t get picked up as a regular series. Not when Patton is uttering put-downs like, “You Jar-Jar loving buttnut!” (Actually, that IS kind of funny…)

Still, they could’ve put it on Friday or Saturday nights. Its target audience would invariably have been home to watch it.

No less impressive than the Indy 500…

…is Indie 50, or Empire Magazine’s choices for the 50 Greatest Independent Films of All Time.

Empire is, loosely translated, the British equivalent of Premiere Magazine here in the States, but don’t hold that against them. Their selections here are interesting and diverse, and while there might be a few howlers among their inclusions – I like “Grosse Point Blank” as much as the next guy, but I’d never put it in this list…and there’s a reason why neither Dennis Wilson nor James Taylor gave up their musical careers for more acting gigs, and that reason is “Two Lane Blacktop” – it’s still a fun read.

“24,” Hour 16: “And the devil you know is the only one…”

Most will probably react with righteous indignation at the suggestion that President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk was pulling the strings behind the day’s events; but not me, and not for the reasons you might think. It’s only television, after all, and the truth is that we simply don’t know enough to have any idea why Logan and Robocop are in bed together, so there’s no real point in trying to figure out what the connection is. That information has not been revealed yet. For all we know, Wayne Palmer is lording something over Logan, which is why Logan plotted to have David Palmer killed. Anything is possible. It’s late, I’m tired, and I’m willing to wait until next week to obtain more intel before I bust another cap in the ass of an innocent.

Carl Spackler’s prediction about Evelyn came to fruition this week, but of course they made her a sympathetic baddie. Hell, she wasn’t even a baddie at all, just someone who tried to get info to President Palmer before Robocop killed her daughter. Of course, Vice President Leland Palmer (man, this whole former President/current Vice President Palmer thing is getting confusing) spotted Palmer with Agent Pierce at the compound, which may wind up signing Old Yeller’s death warrant, since he lied to the VP about why Wayne Palmer was on the premises. Leland extended to Wayne what appeared to be the most insincere, sleaziest condolences you’ve ever heard, but what if he’s telling the truth? They set us up to not trust him, and I feel like an idiot for buying it.

There are a lot of things at play here. When the episode ended, I looked at Buffybot and said, “My head hurts.” We thought that Leland Palmer was a baddie because he’s hell-bent on seeing Homeland Security absorb CTU, and that gave him motive for manipulating the day’s events, since his actions are directly interfering with CTU’s ability to do their job. But it’s actually even sweeter that Leland Palmer and Chicken Little are acting alone with separate agendas. When Leland came in to tell Logan that Wayne Palmer was there, you almost got the sense that Leland knew something, but maybe that’s nothing. That’s the thing about “24”; when you think it’s something, it’s nothing. When you think it’s nothing, it’s something.

So what to make of Audrey’s Faustian deal with Homeland Security that ran Buchanan out of town on a rail? Entertainment Weekly revealed that Kim Raver, the actress that plays Audrey, has signed on for a new show, which suggests that Audrey bites it, and soon. Will it be at the hands of Buchanan? I doubt it…

…but suddenly I’ve started to wonder if Secretary of Defense James Heller, Audrey’s father, isn’t somehow involved in all of this. Obviously I have no info to prove that, but if they’re willing to make both the President and Vice President bad guys, why not the Secretary of Defense? If we know anything about Logan, it’s that he is easily intimidated. I’m sure that he is not doing what he’s doing because he wants to, but because he thinks he has to. James Heller, on the other hand, has balls of steel. He’s stared down his own execution on national television. Perhaps Heller is the man that’s pulling Robocop’s strings. Jack said it himself; Robocop is a soldier, not a terrorist. Heller strikes me as the kind of guy that Robocop would follow to the ends of the earth, if the price was right.

And man, are Kim and Ponyboy really gone for the rest of the season? What a ripoff! I thought for sure that they would make at least one more appearance. Why even come back at all? And don’t think that the curfew isn’t going to come back into play. They didn’t bring that up for nothing. This was Hour 16, which is mathematically the end of Act II. Seeing Chicken Little as the baddie is a hell of a way to finish that. Let’s hope Act III sustains the suspense.

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