Year: 2006 (Page 135 of 228)

“Desperate Housewives”: the lost pilot episode

You knew it was bound to happen. Even when ABC ran the episode that introduced Gabrielle’s mother, wasn’t there a teeny, tiny voice at the back of your mind that kept on asking, “Hey, wait a minute: Shouldn’t Eva Longoria’s mother be played by Charo?”

Well, that particular ship has sailed, a missed opportunity. But that’s just fine…because this parody of the original “Desperate Housewives” pilot episode sees your Charo, raises you a Jerry Mathers, and throws in a brief appearance by the late Don Knotts as well.

If the actual series episodes were this much fun, maybe the show’s ratings wouldn’t have declined quite so much versus last year.

A wolf in Moltisanti’s clothing

With three of their moles now dead (Adrianna last season, and Ray Curto and Gene Pontecorvo this season), the FBI needed a new snitch. I’ve been saying all season that I thought Chris was an obvious target, considering his tight relationship with Tony, his own personal history, and the fact that he’s dealing with some shady Middle Eastern dudes, an association that the FBI could potentially use as leverage against him.

Well, I no longer think Chris could be the guy; I think he is the guy. Tony and Chris stole several cases of wine from two members of the Viper motorcycle gang, who were actually in the process of stealing the wine (and an ATM machine) themselves. Later, while enviously watching Tony drink the wine during dinner, Chris mentions that he sometimes misses drinking. Tony pours him a glass, saying they need to toast Chris’ new marriage and baby (out of the blue – I don’t think they even showed Chris’ new girlfriend before tonight, then she walks out of the bedroom and – BOOM – tells him she’s pregnant), and eventually they wind up in the restaurant parking lot with a freshly opened bottle, sloppy drunk. They start gushing about one another, as drunk guys often do, talking about the bond they share and yada-yada-yada. Then, out of nowhere, Chris brings up the Adrianna situation. Again.

Now, I’m not going to go back and watch all the previous episodes, but that’s at least the third or fourth time Chris has mentioned something about Adrianna to Tony this season. It never struck me as odd before tonight – I just figured Chris was still having a hard time coming to grips with it all – but a warning light started flashing tonight. Maybe it was the fact that we saw a flashback of the scene that Chris was talking about, when he broke the news to T that Adrianna was a snitch. They were in Tony’s basement and, after Chris told him, T tore open Chris’ shirt to make sure he wasn’t wired. That seemed off to me; why did we have to actually see the scene again?

Well, because later in the episode, Chris drops by unannounced and finds Tony in the basement, putting his newly acquired bottles of wine on his wine rack. So what did they talk about? Nothing. Chris told Tony that he ended up selling his wine, which prompted Tony to relive some of the events from the night they robbed the Vipers. But that was it. There was no point to the conversation whatsoever. It seemed like a wasted scene. BUT…if you get a chance to watch it again (TiVo, HBO on Demand, whatever), take a close look at Chris’ shirt. There’s a slight bulge just below his collarbone, something that you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it (as I was). He was wired. He had to be. Why have that conversation with Tony? He was digging for information, that’s why. Maybe he wanted Tony to talk more about the wine, just like he’s seemingly wanted Tony to talk more about what happened to Adrianna on several occasions this season. And why show that flashback earlier? Because the last time they were in the basement, Tony made sure Chris wasn’t wearing a wire. Talk about symmetry.

Of course, there are a couple of holes in this hypothesis, like why is Chris so excited about buying a house with his new wife if he’s working with the feds and could some day soon have to go into hiding? And during the wine robbery, Chris shot one of the bikers as Tony drove away. Would he be immune to punishment for that if he’s working with the FBI? Still, I’m holding firm: Chris has flipped and we’re going to find out about it soon (only three episodes left, in case you missed the previews for next week). He’s going to destroy Tony’s family from the inside out, but maybe not before he destroys himself, since he’s clearly rolled right off the wagon. Shooting some heroin will do that to a guy.

Unfortunately, I don’t have much space to talk about the rest of tonight’s episode, so I’ll try to quickly wrap this one up. Tony finds himself bored with life (“Every day is a gift, it just doesn’t have to be a pair of socks,” he tells Dr. Melfi), and though we only briefly saw Julianna tonight, I’m sure she’ll have a larger role in upcoming episodes. Trouble ahead for T and Carm. Paulie hasn’t been featured much recently but it looks like he found out at the end of the episode that he’s got Cancer. How’s he going to react to that? For a while there, Paulie looked like a ticking time bomb, and maybe he still is, but in that final scene with his mom/aunt, he just looked defeated and depressed. Meanwhile, Phil Leotardo has started cutting Johnny Sack out of the loop, which will make things that much more interesting when Tony and Phil butt heads over the Vito situation. And speaking of Vito, I don’t even think anyone mentioned his name tonight, which means we should see him and Johnny Cakes go on a picnic or three next week.

Box Office Roundup: You can’t spin crazy

Based on Sunday’s estimates:

1) Mission: Impossible III: $48 million (first week)
At least $12 million under the rival studios’ expectations. On Tuesday, Paramount unceremoniously outs Tom Cruise, just to goose the box office a little bit, then issues a reluctant retraction after the movie’s theatrical run is over.
2) RV: $11.1 million ($31 million, second week)
Think of all the good that could have been done with that $11.1 million. Makes you sick, doesn’t it?
3) An American Haunting: $6.3 million (first week)
And like that, the “true horror” genre is over before it’s begun.
4) United 93: $5.2 million ($20 million, second week)
After just 10 days, it appears everyone has forgotten/ignored the 9/11. Sweeping our feelings under the rug: that’s the American way.
5) Stick It: $8 million ($17.9 million, second week)
Just wondering: has anyone made a good movie about gymnastics yet? They all look like “Gymkata” to us.

What you should go see instead: “Brick.” Best teenage film noir movie ever.

Rapid Fire Rejects, Volume V

Japon
Carlos Reygadas’ directorial debut is an incredibly lackluster tale about one man’s journey to the Mexican countryside as he prepares for his imminent death. Why it’s called “Japon” (“Japan” in English) is beyond me (I didn’t get that far), but whatever the reason, it hardly justifies making the audience watch the unceremonious death of an innocent pigeon. Next!

Battle in Heaven
Oh god, not another film by Carlos Reygadas! A quick note to the director: watching a fat Mexican couple have sex isn’t art, it’s disgusting. Further more, “Battle in Heaven” is filled with so much dead time that you’re bound to fall asleep and miss the one redeeming thing about the film: sexy newcomer Anapola Mushkadiz. I can’t seem to understand why Reygadas’ films have been treated so gloriously by the critics. They’re amateurish at best, and quite frankly, not worth all the commotion.

Plan B
What the hell is Diane Keaton doing in a low-budget mobster comedy? Was her career on that bad of a downswing at the turn of the millennium? If so, isn’t this what good agents are supposed to keep talented clients away from? And if my rhetorical questions aren’t convincing enough, how about this little tidbit of information: the film was shot five years ago and has been sitting in the Warner Brothers vaults the entire time. They’ve finally released it on DVD, but I doubt anybody is dumb enough to buy a movie where Paul Sorvino is the second biggest lead.

The Nanny: The Complete Second Season
Let me be quite clear when I say that I’d rather eat a bucket of nails than watch a single episode of “The Nanny” ever again. Fran Drescher drove me crazy enough in the 90s, and the simple fact that her series ran for six seasons (when shows like “Arrested Development” only get three) makes me want to throw up. That being said, not even my DVD player would accept any of the three discs from the second season release, perhaps because it’s worried that it may never work again. You heard me right. Even my DVD player is rejecting Fran Dresher. Now that’s good craftsmanship!

Carrot Top – so much scarier now

Last night I was watching “The Late Late Show” and Carrot Top was a guest. Now we all know the guy has had some scary plastic surgery on his face, but now the dude looks like he’s been eating nothing but steroids. His arms are huge now, and well…it’s just fucking scary. So let’s take a trip down memory lane with photos of CT from the “normal” looking days to the current freak show.

And for an even scarier look at the new look…just hit this link for some juiced photos.

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