Month: January 2006 (Page 19 of 22)

Paltrow goes off deep end, plans to take baby with her

Gwyneth Paltrow may have played a loonybird onscreen more than once (“Sylvia,” “Proof”), but this time she’s been wolfing down crazy pills with nary a camera in sight.

Paltrow and her Grammy-winning husband, Chris Martin, have reportedly shelled out perfectly good money to install “birthing pools” in both their New York and London homes so that Paltrow can give birth to the couple’s second child underwater.

Not that the idea of relaxing in a hot tub instead of being trussed up in hospital stirrups with the entire cast of “Scrubs” peering up your Baby Expressway doesn’t hold a certain appeal…but is this wise?

A friend of Paltrow’s is quoted as saying the birth will be “special” and “spiritual”, and that Gwyneth has done “loads of research” on the topic. Sounds like her research failed to unearth one fairly well-established equation: water + lungs = dead baby.

Better hit those books a little harder, Gwynnie…

Second-most depressing fact in a “Simpsons” commentary EVER

This might be even more devastating than the revelation that there was talk of Phil Hartman doing a live action Troy McClure movie: in the commentary for “22 Short Films about Springfield,” the executive producers Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein reveal that they made the episode in hopes of creating a spinoff series that revolved around the entire city of Springfield, not just the Simpson family. I shed a single tear, for what could have been.

Material Girl hawks wine for Celebrity Cellars

Surely no true oenophile’s collection is complete without several bottles of wine plastered with images of an aging songstress arching her back in orgasmic dance-floor ecstasy. Never fear: Now you too can be the proud owner of this very same wine, for just $25-$40 a bottle!

Madonna’s wine is described as being “as complex and sophisticated as the artist herself,” and discriminating consumers may choose Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Grigio, or even UnWine, a “de-alcoholized red table wine.”

Wouldn’t that be, um, grape juice?

Maybe; maybe not. The site doesn’t specify. But grape juice or not, what UnWine definitely is, is a ridiculous clever marketing ploy. Current interstate alcohol shipping regulations only allow real wine to be shipped to 13 of the 50 states…but UnWine carries no such restrictions. So drink up, Florida! Raise a glass, Ohio! Party on, you other 35 unlucky states: Your UnWine is waiting, and no matter how much of it you drink, you’ll NEVER get hung over.

Ah, that Madonna: Always thinking about the little guy, bless her money-grubbing Kabbalah-worshipping soul. To order your own overpriced bottle of highly eroticized grape juice, click here.

Hungry for money

Kevin Federline is old news, even if the Britney Spears mooch-a-holic continues to self-promote his impending hip hop career. The new kid on the block? Patrick Swayze, who, according to AllHipHop.com, is planning to release a rap single sometime next year. The 53-year-old actor (?) had one chart-topping hit in the late 80’s, thanks mostly to the success of “Dirty Dancing,” but seriously, who’s going to break the news that old white dudes can’t rap. Hey Patrick, you’re free to borrow my copy of “White Men Can’t Jump.” I know it’s not the same, but you’ll get the idea…

Lohan in it again

No, not a car wreck, but the hospital this time. Yes, Lindsay Lohan has been hospitalized for an asthma attack. This is what she gets for being too intimate with Herbie while he’s fully loaded and she was sucking fumes off his tail pipe. Ah well, even though her new album sucks a big one (her cover of “I Want You To Want Me” is ultra-creepy given the context of the rest of the album being a series of melodramatic messages thrown at her father), she’s still more entertaining than Ashlee Simpson and would never let a little old thing like asthma sideline her entire career.

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