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Holiday Movies Bad Enough To Make You Hate Christmas

During the holiday season, there’s nothing like grabbing a mug of hot cider or a glass of eggnog, sitting down on the couch, turning on the TV, and watching one of the many classic Christmas movies. Man, there are some classics out there: “It’s A Wonderful Life,” “Miracle on 34th Street,” “White Christmas,” “A Christmas Story,” and, of course, “Ernest Saves Christmas.”

What’s that? You don’t consider “Ernest Saves Christmas” to be a classic? Okay, good. We were really just using that as a gauge, to make sure you that you know the difference between a good holiday movie and a really, really bad holiday movie.

If you’ve already got that cider or eggnog handy, be sure it’s heavily spiked as you enter into our list of 15 flicks that, while they may have started with good intentions, turned out so terrible that they’d turn the sweetest guy in the world into Ebenezer Scrooge.

An example:

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure

It’s not exactly breaking news that films coming out under the “National Lampoon” name tend to be excruciating viewing experiences; it’s been that way ever since they started going the straight-to-video route (and, arguably, about five years before that). Still, it’s one thing when they put out awful standalone films, but when you start tarnishing the reputation of a Chevy Chase franchise, you’ve gone too damned far! We’re not saying that Randy Quaid’s portrayal of Eddie Johnson isn’t funny; we’re just saying that Cousin Eddie’s a character that cannot – nay, should not – be given his own film, especially when it’s as bad as this one is. The premise is straight out of a later, less-funny “Simpsons” episode, with Eddie getting bitten by a chimpanzee who’s better at his job than he is, and getting a tropical vacation from his employers to avoid a possible lawsuit. It’s notable that Dana Barron plays Audrey Griswold, making it the first time any actress has ever played the role twice; it also answers the question, “Which of the actresses to formerly play Audrey Griswold needs work the most?” Audrey’s dad may not be in the film, but Eddie still manages to drag his cousin Clark down, anyway. After all, “Christmas Vacation” was pretty much the last funny film Chevy Chase did, and now, it’s forever going to be associated with this travesty. – WH

Check out the rest of the list here.

You can follow us on Twitter @moviebuffs and on Facebook as well.

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Bruce Lee theme park to open in China

Thirty-three years after his death from a swelling of the brain in 1973, martial arts legend Bruce Lee will have a theme park built in his honor:

A theme park with a statue and memorial hall will be built at Bruce Lee’s southern Chinese ancestral home of Shunde, the president of his fan club said Monday.

The park will also contain a martial arts academy and conference center, Wong Yiu-keung, chairman of the Hong Kong-based Bruce Lee Club, told The Associated Press.

The park is set to open in three years, at a budget rumored to be over $25 million, and will also include artifacts from Lee’s movies.

Informed of the news, rival martial artist Chuck Norris shrugged and said, “Chuck Norris doesn’t have a theme park. Because if he did, it would KILL YOU.”

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Leo: “Diamonds bad. Mommy good.”

In a recent interview promoting his new film, “Blood Diamond,” which highlights the troubles caused by the mining of “conflict diamonds” in Africa, Leonardo DiCaprio said he feels differently about buying diamonds after making the film, and that his mother is the only person for whom he would ever buy a diamond.

Upon hearing Leo’s comment, his girlfriend (Victoria’s Secret model Bar Rafaeli) was heard to say, “Awww, that’s so sweet. I’m outta here.”

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C.S.I.: MY, It’s Hammy!

In my recent review of the latest full-season sets of the three “C.S.I.” series, I gave David Caruso a fair amount of shit for dragging down the Miami-based show of the franchise. The exact quote, in fact, was, “He’s the 21st century’s TV cop equivalent of Jack Lord – Steve McGarrett in ‘Hawaii Five-O’ – and he utters every line in such an overly dramatic manner that you just want to laugh at him.” Well, if you’d like to save yourself the time and money involved to watch an entire season of “C.S.I.: Miami, check out the montage below. It should be enough to confirm the accuracy of my statement.

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Rock with the D

Tenacious D

Fans of the music rhythm game, “Guitar Hero,” rejoice! To promote their new movie, “The Pick of the Destiny,” Tenacious D has created “Devil May Fry,” a Flash-based mini-game for all to enjoy. Rock along to the duo’s latest tune, but beware, this game is tough.

So, do you have what it takes to play alongside the Greatest Band Ever?

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Borat make romance explosion in Pamela Anderson marriage

Shocking friends, relatives, and celebrity gawkers alike, white trash soulmates Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce. Though the pair seemed a match made in heaven — what with their mutual interests in rock music, monosyllabic words, and Pamela’s breasts — their union turned rocky as a result of Pam’s recent appearance in comedian Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Borat” movie.

According to the New York Post, Kid (real name: Bob Richie) blew up at Pam during a private screening of the film at a studio exec’s home. Rather than having a sense of humor about the movie, Richie took exception to his wife’s appearance in it —particularly during the scene involving a certain well-known sex tape:

Her friend tells Page Six, “Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, ‘You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?’ – in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.

Ironically, by capturing the buxom blonde in his wedding sack, Borat seems to have set her free. Anderson’s statements regarding the breakup mention her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s “male insecurity and major anger issues,” and a friend mentions that “Pam is just very happy to not be in the same house with so much passive-aggressive hostility in it.”

In response to the news of Pamela’s imminent split, Borat is reportedly outfitting a cage for his intended with a built-in swing and stripper pole, so she’ll feel right at home.

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DVD shuffle: 11/28/06

Out on DVD this week:

1) Superman Returns – RENT: Disappointing, boring and pointless. Then again, you might want to see this just in case the sequel is any better.

2) Clerks II – BUY: The sequel to the 1994 cult hit isn’t necessarily better, but it’s really, really good.

3) The Ant Bully – RENT: Sure, it’s only the 76th animated film to come out this year starring some sort of talking animal (or insect, whatever), but the kids are sure to eat it up. Plus, it’s got Bruce Campbell. What more could you ask for?

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After receiving the billionth request, God complies with perv nation

Britney Spears, bottomless. (Most decidedly NSFW)

The Superficial comes through again, and thankfully (if there is indeed anything thankful to be had from this) Brit’s junk doesn’t look like it’s been through the wringer like those hideous shots of Lindsay Lohan from a while back. But be warned, fellow readers. Once you click this link, your life will be forever changed, and not necessarily for the better. (Prepare for delays in uploading. The site, as you can imagine, is getting pummelled with traffic.)

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“I’m Brian Fellow!”


“Oops. Nope, strike that. I’m just another drunken idiot. My bad.”

While Tracy Morgan was out drunk-driving last night, he reportedly saw a monkey washing a cat and a rabbit cutting its own hair. Asked about each of these incidents, the enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education simply replied, “That’s CRAZY.”

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Heroes, Week 10: “Tell me, Doctor, where are we going this time?”

Anyone care to hazard a guess about the subject line? It’s the opening line to a song that I was reminded of while I watching this week’s episode, that’s all I’m saying.

And, wow, what an episode! This is the one that all the fans have been waiting for, even if they didn’t know they were. I can’t believe I went into it with skepticism, thinking, “Ho-hum, whatever, get back to the present.” Finally, we got answers to a lot of questions that had been bugging us…

1) Who is Sylar, and what’s his story?
2) How did Eden end up working for Claire’s dad?
3) Why is Niki’s alter ego named Jessica?
4) How did Nathan’s wife get crippled?
5) What’s the story with this Mr. Linderman?
6) Can Hiro use his powers to change past events?

Actually, maybe these hadn’t all been bugging us…but the answers were invaluable nonetheless.

Little moments of note:

Nathan giving Peter a pair of women’s shoes to celebrate his becoming a hospice nurse was a nice way of saying, “Yes, I was kind of an asshole six months ago, too.” (Nice use of Roxy Music for the dance, by the way.) The death of Peter and Nathan’s dad was so sudden that it seems suspicious to me, but maybe I’m just paranoid. Even so, I’m now even more convinced that Eden is in the midst of a power play against Claire’s dad, given what a complete and total bitch she was being when she first discovered her abilities. Matt is shown to be a real whiny guy. We don’t get much revelatory about Claire, but we do confirm that her friend Jackie has also been a real bitch from the get-go. Niki, however…well, maybe I’m wrong, but it sure sounds to me like there’s been some molestation going on, though whether Daddy did it or he’s just aware of who did it but didn’t do anything to stop it, I couldn’t say.

Everything in this episode that involved Sylar – a.k.a. Gabriel Gray – was enthralling. We still haven’t found out how he’s able to take on the powers of the people he de-brains. I just figured he was eating them or absorbing them or something, but there’s a theory running rampant on the ‘net that says that he’s looking at the inner workings of the brains and rewriting his own to enable him to utilize their powers as well. It’s kind of a complex idea…but it’s not so crazy that we should completely write it off.

But, dammit, the whole Hiro / Charlie romance did nothing but break my heart. You want that guy to save the world and get the girl, but, as noted above, we find out that Hiro can’t save the day this time…and even if he could have kept Charlie from dying at Sylar’s hand, her own body would’ve failed her soon enough. Still, the scene where he accidentally called himself and did an impression of Christopher Lloyd (if he was Japanese) was a nice way to briefly score a laugh in the midst of alternatingly poignant and depressing moments betweem Hiro and Charlie. (Additionally, film geeks no doubt giggled knowingly when the Alamo Drafthouse was namedropped.)

Next week, someone dies. The easy bet is the heroin-using Isaac. Any other thoughts…?

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