curb09_28

I’ve seen every second of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and I can easily say that this was the most ridiculous episode yet. I don’t mean “ridiculous” as in “stupid,” but as in “incredibly zany.” During the filming of “The Bare Midriff,” I’m sure the cast and crew thought to themselves, This is too bizarre — even for us.

“Curb” has always wrapped up its seasons after 10 episodes, so we expected this one to tap back into the “Seinfeld” reunion. Larry only has five more episodes to destroy everything in sight.

Larry’s still trying to win Cheryl back, and part of the plan involves casting her as George’s ex-wife. As luck would have it, Meg Ryan has dropped out due to scheduling conflicts. Larry suggests using Cheryl, but Jerry isn’t too keen on the idea. He wants her to read for the part.

In walks their young secretary, who’s tiny shirt exposes her bare, flabby midriff. While fixing a tricky air vent, her paunch seems even more inappropriate. It’s decided that Larry needs to tell her to cover up. He does, but manages to completely offend her in the process, so she quits.

The two friends leave to meet Richard Lewis for lunch. After Jerry is cut off while driving, he gives the other driver a gentle honk. Bad idea. The guy get out of his car and rips into Seinfeld.

Over at the restaurant, Lewis shows up after Jerry and Larry have already finished eating. Lewis still wants to order, but his friends are in the midst of an inane discussion about who should have to move over to make room. Lewis gets fed up and leaves. Nobody wants to be around these jokesters.

After an awkward encounter with Cheryl outside the studio, Larry has to face an upset Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. The girl who quit, Maureen, is the daughter of one of Julia’s past nannies. The woman has suffered some kind of breakdown and doesn’t need the added stress. Ever the peacemaker, Larry goes to set things right. Maureen agrees to come back to work, even though they don’t resolve the issue of the flab. Maureen’s mother soon returns from the market and nearly faints when she notices Larry. She thinks he looks exactly like her first husband who, in fact, was murdered on their honeymoon after honking at the wrong driver. (Wasn’t Jerry lucky?) Larry inspects an old photo of the guy and isn’t convinced: Not all bald men look alike. He excuses himself to the bathroom. Due to a new pill, his urine stream is uncontrollable and liquid is splashing everywhere. One sneaky drop even manages to land on a portrait of Jesus, just under an eyelash. Larry senses disaster.

Richard Lewis calls Larry to sound off about the restaurant catastrophe. He had wanted to give Larry a signed bat from Joe DiMaggio. While exchanging some final pleasantries, Larry loses his cell phone connection. Lewis expects a call back, but Larry doesn’t think it’s necessary. I wouldn’t call back. Guys don’t need to hear the “goodbye.” I’d be fine if everyone finished their conversations by saying, “end.”

Sure enough, Maureen and her mother interpret the wet portrait of Jesus as a miracle. Maureen informs Jerry and Larry that she is quitting in order to devote her life to Jesus. Larry knows what’s up: I think every erection is a miracle.

At a local Italian restaurant, Larry orders a sandwich and jams a bunch of napkins into the to-go bag. The owner limits all his customers to two napkins and instructs Larry to return the extras. When the owner’s back is turned, Larry takes them anyway. Unfortunately, he’s pulled over by a cop who had heard of the “theft.” Larry is taken to the police station and is forced to stand in a line-up. Apparently, all bald men do look alike as the owner can’t distinguish Larry from another bald man, who is African American.

Larry is late in meeting up with Maureen and her mother. He was supposed to co-sign on the RV papers so they could travel across the country on their religious mission. Maureen’s mother has let him drive her deceased husband’s car. On the road, Larry notices Richard, and honks at him to pull over. Naturally, she starts to panic. When Richard takes out the DiMaggio bat — his gift to Larry — she rams him with the car. Don’t worry, Richard is fine.

It is the final scene which is bit too wacky for my taste. Larry can’t get back into the studio to use the bathroom, so he is forced to pee outside. When Maureen and her mom show up to grab some things from the office, they instantly hear the strange noise. They follow the sound and discover Larry hosing down a bush. A wayward drop smacks Maureen in the face and it’s a thing of beauty. The family quickly realizes what happened with the Jesus portrait. Of course, Larry pissed on Jesus.

The unstable mother can’t take it. She somehow gets on the roof and walks to the ledge. Larry and Maureen also scale the building, despite their physical misgivings. Larry saves the mother, but loses his balance in the process. He fumbles over the side of the building, but latches onto something. It’s Maureen’s stomach.