It’s funny to think how vastly different Seth MacFarlane’s life would be right now had “Family Guy” not been revived from the dead. FOX would have never offered him a multi-million dollar development deal and a big chunk of their Sunday night primetime block, and he certainly wouldn’t have had the commercial backing from a company like Burger King to launch his own online series, “Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy.” Unfortunately, if there’s any indication that MacFarlane might be losing his comedic edge, this is it. While the collection of animated shorts is presented in the same vein as the cutaways from “Family Guy,” they mostly just feel like B-sides that never made the final cut. There are a few really good ones in the group (Wile E. Coyote finds Jesus after finally killing the Road Runner, Mario’s advances are squashed by the Princess, and Bob Dylan gets into a mumble fight with Tom Waits and Popeye backstage at his concert), but a majority of them are only giggle worthy. The shorts themselves are pretty harmless on their own, but when viewed in one sitting, they don’t work quite as well. Plus, the idea of having to pay for something that you can watch for free online is a pretty ridiculous concept, so unless you pray at the altar of MacFarlane, you’d be better off watching it the way it was meant to be seen.
With each new “Dallas” release, I expect the show to finally start sucking, and this was the first set where it seemed like that might actually be the case. Picking up (as soaps are wont to do) where we left off, Pam has been burnt to a crisp in a fiery explosion, because Victoria Principal wanted off the show. But Pam lives – bandaged up and looking an awful lot like Karloff’s Mummy, inert in a hospital bed. Why not just kill her, fer chrissakes? Apparently, after the dream season fiasco, the producers were simply not going to kill off a major player for good, and the first third of the season revolves around this nonsense. Will she live or won’t she? What will she look like beneath the bandages? Will Bobby ever let little Christopher see his mummy again? Is it possible Victoria isn’t gone after all? The first ten or so episodes of the thirty presented here are some of the silliest “Dallas” I’ve ever seen. (Even the producers seem to think it’s all a joke – one of the episodes is actually titled “Mummy’s Revenge.”)
Alongside the Pam drama, the show also presents a lengthy plotline involving Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) meeting an old drunk named Dandy (Bert Remsen) who reminds him of his father, Digger. This tediously goes on and on and on, until it reaches a logical conclusion, which in turn leads to a scene between Barnes and Miss Ellie (Barbara Bel Geddes) that’s one of the most pivotal, moving scenes in the entire series. No, it doesn’t justify hours of watching Cliff hanging with an old drunk, but it does make some sense of it all. It’s somewhere around this point that the season gets back on track and turns into some pretty decent “Dallas.”
Also at the end of Season 10, J.R. (Larry Hagman) lost Ewing Oil completely, thanks to the government and Jeremy Wendell (William Smithers), the head of Westar. He spends all of Season 11 deviously plotting to get it back, and it’s a major highlight to watch this unfold, one sleazy step at a time. There doesn’t seem to be anything J.R. won’t do, or anyone he won’t trample, in order to get his daddy’s company back. As is usually the case, J.R.’s antics keep the series centered, regardless of how numbing some of the proceedings may be. At the same time, Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) is busy furthering her lingerie company with the help of high-powered business consultant Nicholas Pearce (Jack Scalia). For the first half of the season, Pearce is one of the most grating, annoying characters ever seen on this series…and then he suddenly becomes hugely likable, with a pretty damn interesting backstory as well. It’s one of the coolest “Dallas” flip-flops I’ve ever experienced.
In other news, Bobby (Patrick Duffy) finds potential love – not once but twice – after losing Pam, as well as going after something J.R. covets dearly. Clayton (Howard Keel) falls in love with a painting, and Bel Geddes gets to play a ridiculous drunk scene that must be seen to be believed. Ray (Steve Kanaly) and Jenna (Priscilla Presley) finally tie the knot, which leads to endless problems for the couple, including Charlie (Shalane McCall) acting up at school and messing around with a boy – but not just any boy. No, the object of Charlie’s teenage lust in no less than Brad Pitt! He’s got maybe one scene in each of four episodes, and has very little to do, but nevertheless it’s freakin’ Brad Pitt, some 20 years before he became an Inglourious Basterd.
And just in case anyone might think the show is becoming less and less “Dallas” with each passing season, in the penultimate episode, “Things Ain’t Goin’ So Good at Southfork Again,” Lucy (Charlene Tilton) returns to the fold after a three season absence. And she is lookin’ mighty fine.
– I haven’t watched “Lie to Me” because I am generally anti-procedural these days, but the news that “The Shield” and “The Unit” creator/producer Shawn Ryan is joining the series as its showrunner has me intrigued. Unfortunately, this probably means the end for “The Unit.” R.I.P., my friend.
– Even though the finale to the eighth season felt a lot like a series finale, a ninth season of “Scrubs” looks like a lock because Zach Braff has agreed to appear in six episodes. Six episodes? For real? What’s the point?
– “Glee,” the latest from “Nip/Tuck” creator Ryan Murphy, got a great review from EW.com, even though the reviewer is not a musical kind of guy. “Glee” is a musical comedy, with an emphasis on comedy. It debuts next Tuesday on Fox.
– Kiefer Sutherland tells Reuters that the eighth season of “24” is probably the “most realistic” yet. This is good news because the last seven seasons have gotten increasingly ridiculous.
Welcome back to “Concession Stand,” where Premium Hollywood takes a look at DVDs while indulging in whatever food or beverage has recently been provided to us by a publicist…or, should there be a lapse in the free provisions, we’ll go find something from Dollar Tree, Big Lots, or Ollie’s Bargain Outlet that we’ve never heard of before but which screams to be tasted. Thankfully, however, there’ll be no need to leave the house this go-round, as we have a lovely bottle of spirits which was recently delivered to our front doorstep that will do the trick nicely. Why? Because we’ve decided to tackle a trio of stand-up comedy DVDs, and everyone knows that comedy is always funnier when you’ve got a few adult beverages in you.
The beverage: Three Olives Cherry Vodka. The idea of flavored vodka seems kind of lazy and cost-cutting, doesn’t it? It’s like saying, “Gosh, I’d like to mix my vodka with something to make it taste better, but then I’d have to walk two extra steps to the refrigerator to see what I can add to it, and if there’s nothing there, then I’ll just feel like I’ve wasted my time for nothing, so why don’t I just save myself the trouble and buy a bottle of vodka that already has a flavor to it?”
I’m not quite as lazy as all that, but I can still buy into the inherent concept…and based on the number of flavored vodkas being produced by Three Olives these days, it’s pretty clear that I’m not the only one. They offer – wait, let me take a breath first – berry, cherry, chocolate, citrus, grape, mango, orange, pomegranate, raspberry, root beer, vanilla, watermelon, and, triple shot espresso.
Oh, right, and they also have a plain vodka for you boring old purists out there.
The bottle they sent to me, as you may have guessed from the photograph hovering off to the right, was cherry-flavored. Seemed like the best possible flavor, really, given that A) I can manage to drag myself from the liquor cabinet to the refrigerator, and B) cherry blends well with just about any cola you might have in stock…which is exactly what I did blend it with when I sat down to enjoy the first of these three stand-up comedy DVDs. In truth, I actually had enough stand-up DVDs stockpiled to review more than three while under the influence of cherry vodka, but I figured, hey, why waste a perfectly good opportunity to do a sequel? Besides, three strong drinks could make even Harland Williams’s Har-Larious seem funny…and when you’ve reached that point, it’s clearly time to close the laptop and go to bed.
There’s one major problem which infiltrates “The Last Templar” almost from the moment it begins: they’ve changed a lot of stuff from the original novel by Raymond Khoury. This obviously isn’t something that would be an issue for someone who’s never read the book, but for those who’ve been wondering how it made the transition from print to screen (and who didn’t catch the miniseries when it originally aired on NBC earlier this year), accept this assurance that you’re almost certainly going to be disappointed. Everyone else, however, will probably enjoy the adventure well enough, provided their suspension of disbelief is fully charged. Archaeologist Tess Chaykin, played by Mira Sorvino, is essentially a female version of Indiana Jones, except one who now has a child and isn’t quite as ready to go globetrotting for ancient artifacts as she once was. When four people on horseback dressed as Templars storm New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art during its exhibition and swipe key artifacts, Tess muscles her way into the investigation, albeit against the desire of FBI Agent Sean Reilly (Scott Foley), and ends up traveling across the world in an attempt to discover the lost secret of…wait for it…The Last Templar.
Veteran producer Robert Halmi Sr. turns in another good-looking yarn, and the cast is certainly strong, with Victor Garber, Kenneth Welsh, and Omar Sharif also on hand. Sorvino and Foley have the kind of chemistry that makes you wish this was a better movie than it actually is. The big action scene at the beginning of the film, where Sorvino swipes a horse and goes jousting in Central Park, is ridiculous enough to lose a lot of viewers right off the bat, and there are more than a few moments where you’ll cringe at the dialogue. (How can anyone not groan when Sorvino punctuates an ass-kicking by snarling, “I’m nobody’s baby”?) Still, the aforementioned chemistry between the leads is generally enough to keep you watching, and those who want to get themselves pumped up for “Angels & Demons” will probably find “The Last Templar” an enjoyable diversion. And if you do, then you’ll also want to watch the making-of featurette on the DVD, which is about as entertaining as these things get.
