Category: Movies (Page 476 of 498)

Rapid Fire Rejects, Volume III

The Thief Lord
There’s nothing particularly wrong with this film, except that it’s a copycat of just about every popular children’s story of the past fifty years. The publicity for the film bills it as a story to rival the “Harry Potter” series, but it’s more like “Robin Hood” meets “Peter Pan” than anything else. Based on the children’s book of the same name, “The Thief Lord” is a decent addition to any youngster’s movie collection, but it’s a giant waste of time for anybody else. And that’s something that can’t be said of “Harry Potter.”

Irish Jam
If Rob Schneider is the least talented white guy in Hollywood, then Eddie Griffin is the least talented brother. A fitting comparison considering that both “actors” appeared in last summer’s “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” a film so bad that it landed the top spot on many critics’ Worst of 2005 lists. If possible, “Irish Jam” is even worse, dropping the annoying Griffin in the middle of a small Irish town when he wins a poetry contest with a pub as the grand prize. Hell, even the DVD case is made of low-quality plastic, a surefire sign of genuine direct-to-DVD garbage.

The Butterfly Ball
We all know that the 70s was a strange era (even those that weren’t alive for it), but there’s simply no excuse for the DVD release of this 1975 live production of the illustrated series of poems entitled “The Butterfly Ball and Grasshopper’s Feast.” Narrated by an aged Vincent Price and featuring Twiggy on vocals, “The Butterfly Ball” is a horrendous production that includes stupid costumes, interpretive dance and a shitty video transfer to top it all off.

The Jolly Boys’ Last Stand
There’s really no better way to describe this film other than as a British “Jackass,” despite the fact that there’s actually very little stunting involved. Shot as a faux-documentary about a frat-like group of grown men known as the Jolly Boys, the story revolves around the upcoming marriage of the their leader, Spider (Andy Serkis), and his gradual separation from the remaining members. The film is composed of stupid situations that the cast members find funny, but anyone else watching won’t, and has most likely been made available on DVD in an atempt to exploit the more recent success of its stars, Andy Serkis and Sacha Baron Cohen.

Everybody was kung fu fighting…on Broadway

A night on the Great White Way just isn’t complete without Bruce Lee sending a flying kick into some poor schmuck’s mouth while “China Girl” plays in the background. Fortunately, that oversight is about to be addressed, with the upcoming release of a musical based on the life of Bruce Lee, featuring music by David Bowie.

And, as if that weren’t enough to send legions of martial-arts-musical fans slobbering off to Hot Tix, the Brothers Weinstein are planning their own kung fu spectacle, a musical version of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Is Broadway big enough for two feuding bands of martial arts warriors? Only time will tell, but when it comes to brawling, the smart money is always on the (ex-) Miramax Mafia.

Should both of these epics prove successful, expect a host of copycat kung fu musicals to follow. Rumor has it that Marc Shaiman (“Hairspray,” “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”) is already fleshing out tunes with Quentin Tarantino for “Kill Bill: The Musical,” and Ralph Macchio has indicated his availability to star in “Singin’ in the Dojo: A Karate Kid on Broadway.”

“Snakes on a Plane” update: They’re upgrading it to an ‘R.’ Yes.

It looks as though we at Premium Hollywood are not the only ones breathlessly awaiting the arrival of New Line’s “Snakes on a Plane.” The entire web, apparently, is abuzz over the movie, and the recent chatter, along with one fan’s self-made trailer for the movie, has convinced the film’s producers to do some more reshoots that will bump the movie up from what was already a borderline PG-13 rating to a bona fide R rating. More death, more nudity, and Samuel L. Jackson saying, “I want these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!” Does it get any better than that?

Forget “X-Men.” Forget “Superman.” The only movie coming out this summer that I give a damn about is “Snakes on a Plane.” It’s even become a Zen philosophy, like ‘shit happens.’

“Excuse me, Mr. Wazowski, your mortgage check bounced.”
“Hey, man, snakes on a plane.”

(To see the official trailer for “Snakes on a Plane,” click here. For up to the minute news, go to www.snakesonablog.com.)

Spike Lee eats Urkel

Former child star Jaleel White, who played uberdweeb Steve Urkel on TV’s “Family Matters” for eight years, appears to have been eaten by polarizing filmmaker Spike Lee:

fattylee

It is unclear whether White, whose whereabouts have been unknown ever since we failed to look for them, and the iconoclastic director had an ongoing feud, or whether Lee simply devoured the young actor in an effort to “keep it real” by feeding on the next generation of African-American talent.

It’s still early in the year for Lee to be embarking upon the legendary Clooney/De Niro “Eating for Oscars” diet (which hasn’t been proven to work for directors, anyway), but it is possible the maverick auteur was looking to get an extra head start on influencing the Academy, based on positive reviews of his latest film, “Inside Man.” Asked to comment on the controversy, Lee simply squealed “Did I do that?” in an annoyingly nasal, high-pitched voice, pulled his high-water pants well above his natural waistline, and walked away.

DVD shuffle: 03/21/06

Out on DVD this week:

1) Chicken Little – RENT: Okay, so it’s not the best Disney film ever made, but it’s certainly not the worst. In fact, it boasts one of the best voice casts with standouts like Zach Braff and Joan Cusack.

2) Capote – RENT: I missed out on this one earlier in the year, but all the Oscar buzz should be more than enough reason to check this one out. The special features are lacking, however, so don’t plan to lay down the cash for a copy unless you really like the movie.

Also out this week is the Clive Owen/Jennifer Aniston thriller “Derailed,” the indie flick “Everything is Illuminated,” and the foreign-language fav “Paradise Now.” A few new seasons of TV have also made their way on to DVD, including the seventh season of “South Park,” the first season of “Batman Beyond” and the first season of “Over There.”

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