Category: Gossip (Page 49 of 50)

Hail to the king, baby

December 3, 2005 /

In what might just be the most exciting news to come out of Hollywood all year, B-list favorite Bruce Campbell has announced he will star and direct the upcoming motion picture, “They Call me Bruce.” As reported on Bruce’s official site:

The film is “the tale of a small town set upon by demons after a group of teen-agers unwittingly unleash an ancient curse. Campbell, playing himself, is kidnapped off the set of a B horror movie and, despite his protestations that he’s just an actor, is forced to play the role of his heroic movie character in order to save the town.”

Anyone familiar with Bruce’s past work on the “Evil Dead” series has gotta love this news, but it’s doubtful that the film will see a wide release. Movie studio’s have long passed up on making Campbell a bonafide A-lister, and as the actor gets older, the chances that he’ll get any closer to making big slowly narrows. This announcement is still great news for fans of the B actor’s work, coming on the heels of last week’s rumor that a sequel to “Bubba Ho-Tep” was also in the works.

Actors, Gossip, Movies, News

Least shocking announcement EVERRRRRRR.

November 24, 2005 /

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially separated.

So here, then, are the top 6 jokes that can be written based solely on the information contained within the Associated Press article about the separation:

6. There is no truth to the rumor that Simpson will be recording a cover of Tammy Wynette’s “D-I-V-O-R-C-E.” Her management assures us that “spelling is not Jessica’s strong suit.”
5. At the time we went to press, MTV had not officially confirmed the greenlighting of “Newlydivorced: Nick and Jessica.”
4. ABC will be re-running last year’s hour-long holiday spectacular, “Nick and Jessica’s Family Christmas,” but it will be split into two 30-minute specials.
3. Jessica Simpson will be penning a sequel to her best-selling book, “I Do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding.” It will be called “Well, I Did…But It Didn’t Take: How To Divorce a Pop Star. ”
2. Lachey’s former bandmates in the boy band 98 Degrees issued the following statement to Nick: “Nice work on derailing the gravy train, dumbass.”
1. In a statement to the press, Simpson and Lachey announced, “After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways.” A subsequent addendum was later issued, clarifying, “Actually, Nick did most of the careful thinking.”

Gossip

Here comes her 19th nervous breakdown

November 21, 2005 /

Well, it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, and that means it’s time for another woman named Mayer to abandon any semblance of rational behavior. This week, for once, it’s not Susan who’s embroiled in an embarrassing and public divorce from her sanity…it’s Susan’s mother.

Ms. Mayer the elder chooses the least likely, least opportune, and most unfortunate possible time to reveal the deepest of family secrets: during her own toast, at her own wedding reception. In front of the hundred-odd guests who only came to enjoy a nice party, some free booze, and perhaps a little wagering on how long marriage #4 will last, Mommy Mayer announces that Susan’s supposedly long-dead, war-hero father is alive and well — and living just across town.

Susan runs out in tears, Julie follows her, and everyone watching suddenly decides that Vincent D’Onofrio’s histrionics maybe aren’t quite as annoying as they had initially thought, and changes channels to watch “Criminal Intent.”

In equally improbable developments further down Wisteria Lane, Lynette undermines her husband’s childrearing efforts for the flimsiest of reasons; George manhandles a guy twice his size (and sets fire to the guy’s Porsche after conveniently finding his valet stub); and elderly, ailing Mrs. McCluskey gets medieval on supposed prowlers with a Taser.

The episode’s sole bright spot is a cameo by Danny Trejo, whose battle-scarred face and bad-guy image are put to delightful use as a man who appears to be a threat to Gabrielle, but has in fact been hired by Carlos to help her deal with her grief over her miscarriage. Danny’s best line? “If I were going to kill you, I wouldn’t use a balloon. It would take too long.”

The episode closes with the arrest of the mysterious Caleb. “Is this the man who broke into your house?” Gabrielle is asked, and she nods her head. Technically, though, that’s not true: original Caleb Page Kennedy was fired for “inappropriate behavior” (translation: he allegedly flashed his mice and manhood to unappreciative crew members), and has been replaced by a new actor. Thus, it’s new Caleb Nashawn Kearse who gets loaded into the squad car, while the junk-dangler remains scot-free.

And once again, in a mostly white neighborhood, an innocent black man gets hauled downtown. Heck, maybe this show isn’t so implausible after all…

Desperate Housewives, Gossip, TV

Not-quaman

November 21, 2005 /

Last week, Herc at Ain’t It Cool News revealed that, after the character Arthur Curry made an appearance on “Smallville” a few weeks ago, The WB is now in talks to put together an “Aquaman” pilot. Except that they won’t be calling it “Aquaman,” the character of Arthur Curry won’t know Lois and Clark (even though they clearly just met on “Smallville”), and he will apparently have absolutely nothing in common with the character on which he’s more or less based. Instead of having a mother from Atlantis and a father who’s a lighthouse keeper, Curry will be an environmentalist based near the Bermuda Triangle, where his mom disappeared. Exposure to water will give him superstrength, and he’ll be able to breathe water as well. You don’t really have to be a comic geek to know that, when you’ve got about fifty years worth of established mythos for a character and you opt to throw all of it out the window to make things match up to whatever the demographic research says is the way to go, it’s probably going to suck. Criminey, people, have we learned nothing from “Catwoman“?

Gossip, TV, TV Dramas

This is what assholes are made of

November 16, 2005 /

In an act of complete insanity, director/actor Vincent Gallo has put up his sperm for sale on the official website for Gallo merchandise – VGmerchandise.com – to the tune of $1 million. The option of natural insemination is also available for an additional $500,000, but if he finds the woman attractive, he will gladly waive the fee. Oh, how nice of him. The following description is a selection from the sales pitch on the website:

“Mr. Gallo is 5’11” and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.) I don’t know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can’t hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions.”

Wow. It later goes on to state that “the purchase of Mr. Gallo’s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child. ” This guy might just steal the Whacko of the Year award away from Tom Cruise, but it’s going to be a close race.

Actors, Gossip, Humor, News

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