The TV Land Awards are not an “and the winner is…” kind of award show extravaganza. They’re more a series of honorary nods to the very popular shows of television’s illustrious, time-killing past with an emphasis on glitz. And so a bunch of us media types were invited to add to the hub-bub at the Sony Studios back lot on a breezy April, waiting on a red carpet for whichever celebrity was escorted to our assigned spots, with those from famed print and broadcast outlets obviously getting the first dibs. In the case of this lowly pixel stained wretch, I felt honored to chat with a few really terrific performers who, each in their own way, had made quite an impression on me personally.
That most definitely applies to Jane Leeves, the comedically gifted actress best known as Daphne, Niles Crane’s Manchester-born one-true-crush and eventual wife from “Frasier.” After confessing that I’d had a crush of my own on her since before her famed “Seinfeld” turn as “Marla, the Virgin” her response was typically blunt-yet-charming. “I’m not that old!”
“Neither am I!,” I blurted. (I later learned that Ms. Leeves birthday was the following day. My own birthday was two days prior. I guess age was on both of our minds.)
Aside from being no non-TV star herself, Ms. Leeves was there to promote her now show, coincidentally to be aired on TV Land in a rare foray into original programming, “Hot in Cleveland.” The show teams Leeves with Wendy Malick (“Just Shoot Me”) and Valerie Bertinelli (“One Day at a Time”). The three play “very L.A.” career women with show business-related backgrounds of various types. (Leeves plays an “eyebrow plucker to the stars.”) Feeling a bit aged out of the L.A. game, they attempt a trip to Paris, but instead find themselves marooned at the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They quickly realize that beautiful, middle-aged women who can refer to celebrities by their first name are actually in fairly short supply in the midwestern metropolis and they decide to stay and be big fish in a smaller glamor pond. Betty White costars as a neighbor, perhaps a wacky one. Cue the glib comparisons calling this a “younger ‘Golden Girls.'”
Nevertheless, fans of Ms. Leeves should rest assured that her character is no retread of Daphne Moon. “She’s focused her whole life on her career and has forgotten to have a life. She’s the sort of smart aleck, wise-ass of the group, so it’s very different.”
Then, perhaps feeling a bit star-struck, I went with the fallback question I frequently steal from our esteemed Will Harris. What project has she done that she doesn’t feel has gotten enough attention.
Nickname change: President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwwwk will now be referred to by his original nickname of President I.M. Weasel. Because holy fuck, man, he is the sleaziest character this show has ever seen.
The thing is, I actually loved his scene with Novakovich, where he put the ambassador over a barrel and said, “Get back to the table, or you’re done.” It was vintage Charles Logan, done with a nod and that greasy half-smile of his. However, now that Jack Bauer nearly blew the lid off of everything using good old-fashioned detective work – with no small amount of intimidation – we learn that Logan’s plan, in full, was as follows:
1) Blackmail the Russian government into accepting the treaty 2) Tell President Taylor nothing about how he persuaded them to change their minds 3) Hope that his secret never gets out
Huh. I’m not sure he thought this through.
“So can you actually feel the weasel rays I give off when I’m this close?” “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my soul screaming.”
He didn’t consider that Dalia might find out on her own who killed Slumdog. He didn’t consider the fact that the Russians may sign this peace accord but they’ll never honor it, and eventually the truth about its bloody origin will spill. Lastly, he didn’t consider the one-man wrecking crew that is Jack Bauer, who was able to spoil his plan as soon as he hatched it. And since Logan kinda has a thing about Jack, what with Jack destroying his Presidency and all, he completely lost his objectivity when it came to silencing him. You’d think that Madame President would have noticed Logan foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog whenever he said Bauer’s name, since she has a much different relationship with Jack than Logan does – on account of being a good, honest person – and yet, she didn’t. And worse, she’s acquiescing to Logan’s suggestion that they continue with the treaty, even though Dalia Hassan will soon be sitting across the table from the people who killed her husband.
I call shenanigans. Allison Taylor would never, ever do that.
The nanosecond I.M. Weasel mentioned the Russian government’s involvement, the regular Allison Taylor, the one we saw every other week – the one who sent her own daughter to prison – would have sent Logan out on his ass. He says he recently became aware of their involvement, but who knows if that’s true? He wants to get back in the political game, and since his first step in achieving that goal was to blackmail the Russian ambassador to the UN (!), it’s clear that he cannot be trusted. That he’s trying to muzzle the best damn agent CTU has ever had should have been the smoking gun that he’s up to no good. And yet, Madame President went along with it. The one with the straightest moral compass of anyone on the show bought what Charles Logan, Charles fucking Logan, was selling. You have to think that Cherry Jones saw the script that day and said, “Oh, fuck me. I’m getting a lobotomy.”
And then Keifer Sutherland calmed her down by saying, “It’s all right, I’m getting one, too. I hijack a helicopter at the end of the hour.”
Look, I know that when Jack is all out of bubble gum, there is little stopping him. (“They Live,” holler.) But hijacking a helicopter? Do you know how easy it will be to spin that story to the public after they shoot him down? “Longtime dedicated Federal Agent, stricken with grief over the death of his Agent girlfriend, decided the Russians were responsible for her untimely demise. Film at 11.” No one will ask questions. His funeral party will consist of Kim and Chloe. Everyone else who ever cared about him is dead. Survived by daughter Kim, granddaughter Teri, and illegitimate son Jack-Jack.
At least they didn’t insist that Chloe lose her mind along with Jack. She warned him that she’d have to call in an air strike, and call in an air strike she did. Jack, wisely, flew straight to Manhattan, knowing that they wouldn’t dare risk shooting him down over New York. Still, there had to be a better way to get him back in play. Ooh, here’s an idea: how about keeping him in play? There are six hours left. It’s a sliver of time in the show’s history, but it’s an awfully long time for people to act completely out of character in order to service a bad plot idea. I don’t want to see “24” limp to the finish line again. Not on its final time around the track.
Tonight’s blog title comes courtesy of another mid-’80s English wuss rock band. What Price Paradise was the 1986 album by China Crisis, and is in tribute to Madame President selling her integrity down the river for disgraced former President I.M. Weasel. (I was thinking of using the Pretenders song “How Much Did You Get for Your Soul,” but my wife hates Chrissie Hynde.) She knew about the ‘disgraced’ part, right? Of course she did. So why did she go along with it, again? In the real world, both he and his weasel assistant receive a polite ‘no’ in response to their offer of assistance, and then their houses are burned to the ground while they sleep. Here’s hoping she gets a chance to right this wrong. Until then, I will refer to her not by the customary Madame President but by her first name, in order to show my contempt for the decisions she made this hour. As a bonus, I’ve included a link to the best fight scene in movie history, one so awesome that Trey Parker and Matt Stone re-created it shot for shot with two cripples. Enjoy!
I was sure that Jackie was going to get picked off though, but it’s too soon for a dramatic death scene like that. That one comes in Hour 23. Book it, Dan-O.
This week, I get punched in the face. Actually, this was worse than a punch to the face – it was a full-scale mugging. My beloved Crazy Jackie, picked off by some douchenozzle Russian hit man. These guys haven’t meant shit to the plot for half the season, and now the Russians are suddenly the phantom menace. Fuck that.
Can you tell I’m unhappy about the latest development?
“I’ve lived a full life, and these are the eyes/breasts that I want you to remember.”
Look, I knew that Jackie would die shortly after a moment of bliss with Jack (did anyone else notice that her hollow, raccoon eyes suddenly looked perfect for their big kiss?), and it stands to reason that the Russian mob would be the ones pulling the trigger. But now? You kill my favorite character on the show with six hours left and leave me with President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk as a replacement? I’m sorry, but those terms are unacceptable to me. Maybe they knew that killing her in the final hours would be too predictable, so they offed her now. That’s a logical play but also a shortsighted one, because now they’ve only pissed people off by killing her now; I think noted philosopher Eddie Murphy said it best when he said, “Ha ha, very funny, muthafucka.” Thank God they didn’t subject Agent Aaron “Old Yeller” Pierce to a similar fate, that’s all I’m saying.
So yes, the Russians are in deep with this whole thing in ways we couldn’t anticipate. In the early hours, it was merely some criminal kingpins profiting off the IRK’s instability, but now it looks as though Mother Russia has a vested interest in it as well. And the only hope of getting the Russians to sign the peace treaty is…Charles Logan? Hell, he was as dead as Tony Almeida last we saw him. He conspired with the Russians to have David Palmer killed, for God’s sake. He’s your Hail Mary? Madame President finished their chat by saying something along the lines of “I better not be wrong about you,” but has Logan ever been sleazier than he was in those few minutes? There are six hours left, which means no good can come from this, except possibly killing Logan once and for all.
While we’re discussing outrageous predictions, though, I did get this one right:
… [it] makes me wonder if Chloe is next in line to run CTU. She may still have that personality disorder, as Big Balls Bill Buchanan (RIP) once said, but she also has a good sense of right and wrong…”
Wow. I thought they were saving that one for the movie. And as soon as she inherited the crown, Chloe proved her worth by moving up the toxicology report of former terrorist mastermind Samir – did anyone else know that he was one of the guys that Jack shot when trying to save Slumdog President? Why on earth would he stay behind? – and confirming her suspicion that he was poisoned. Better call Jack and let him know what happened. “Oh hey, Renee…”
Fuck. Still not over her death yet.
An amusing Fox crossover moment came during Madame President’s scene with Logan, as his executive assistant is played by Reed Diamond, a.k.a. Dominic from “Dollhouse.” He was sent to the Attic on that show for betraying the director of the dollhouse, and he’s serving President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk here. Just throwing that out there.
So Crazy Jackie’s dead, and Chloe’s in charge of CTU. Logan’s in play, and Starbuck still hasn’t given them a lead. (Apparently my death-by-hate-fucking idea from last week was rejected.) I may not agree with the decisions the show is making, but give them this: they’re making things a lot more interesting now that they know they can play dirty. Still, damn, man. Not Jackie. Not now. This is the most heartbreaking death in the show’s history for me. Jackie is also the second character to receive two ceremonial silent clock ticks, one for her faked death in Hour 5 last year, and another for her much more real death tonight. You will be sorely missed, Renee/Crazy Jackie. And because you’re so special, your death merits two songs: the one that I referenced in the title, and one using your Christian name. (*wipes tear*)
I’m really digging TV By the Numbers, which always seems to have good ratings information. They have a Cancel/Renewal Index (click here for ABC) which attempts to handicap the chances of a show being canceled or renewed.
As you can see from the ABC page, there are nine shows that the site deems “likely to be canceled,” including “Better Off Ted,” “The Deep End,” “the forgotten” and, somewhat surprisingly, “FlashForward.” I guess looking at the ratings, it’s not too surprising that “FlashForward” is on the chopping block, but it is surprising that the show hasn’t done better. ABC did run 10 episodes in a row, but then the show was off the air for 3.5 months before the “spring season” started up. One could argue that the network botched the scheduling, but given the small difference between the ratings of the final 2009 episode (2.1) and those of the first 2010 episode (1.9), it doesn’t hold much water.
Other random thoughts:
* “V” seems to be doing okay, though I think “FlashForward” is the better show. * The numbers for “Medium” are a little surprising. It’s essentially the same show that was on NBC last season. * I’m surprised that “Sons of Tuscon” has already been canceled. That is/was a funny show. * It’s nice to see that “Fringe” already has another season, though “Human Target” is on the chopping block. It’s a fun show, but I’d like it if Christopher Chance were more of a womanizer, like James Bond. I can’t believe that he didn’t make a pass at Moon Bloodgood last week. Ridiculous. * “Heroes” appears to be on the bubble, though the site says it’s probably a goner. That’s one show where they need to figure out a way to wrap things up so it just doesn’t go dark in the middle of the story.
Note: I removed all references to shows listed in grey. Grey apparently equals black, so shows listed in grey have already been renewed.
In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I’m writing this while hopped up on Oxycodone. And let me tell you, it’s awesome. The only catch is that the line between sleepy bliss and blinding pain is a thin one. So here goes nothing. If my writing goes off the rails…it’ll look like every other week! (*rim shot*)
Starbuck has finally been found out, and her demand to deal only with Jack struck me as curious, given his talents for persuading people to talk. You could tell by the way that she made the demand that she’s following orders, and that her employers have experience with him. I’ll still hold on to Alan Wilson as a possibility, and God help them if they hold Kim and her daughter hostage as a last resort. After the things that happened tonight, that would totally suck to have it undone by Kim, again.
Man, Samir’s people can act fast, can’t they? He’s a dozen blocks away from driving into an ambush, and is able to get the call from Starbuck and relay that information to the drop car in time to get into the one place they can make the switch. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but…it’s a hell of a thing, don’t you think?
Pity you didn’t get to die with your boots on, Slumdog.
Let’s get straight to the ending, shall we? While I don’t like seeing good guys die, it was nice to see “24” finally act like a show that has nothing to lose. Because hey, let’s face it, they don’t have anything to lose, so why not kill Slumdog President? And the thing is, from the moment Jack broke into that apartment, I had a bad feeling. I knew that their audio wizard had picked up an internet broadcast of Samir rather than Samir in the flesh, but I thought that it would turn out to be the wrong room, not the right room but much too late. Oh well, same result either way, I guess: Slumdog’s dead. Long live Slumdog.
So now what?
All of Samir’s men are dead, or close to it. He has no nuclear rods, and he’s killed the President. We have eight hours left, and nothing to play for. Starbuck’s deal was only good if they recovered Slumdog alive. Since that didn’t happen, I’d quit negotiating with her and put her alone in a windowless room with Buffy so he can hate fuck her to death. The Russians and President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk look as though they’re being put in play, but it seems too little too late. I’m dying to hear the explanation for why Logan’s not dead though, since the last time we saw him, he was flatlining in the back of an ambulance.
All right, the meds are wearing off. It’s time to wrap this up. I usually finish with a video, but Prince is a right bastard about YouTube. See you next week, and hopefully this drug stuff is far behind me.
