Someone damaged Renee Walker’s perfect breasts.

Two weeks ago, I said:

I was sure that Jackie was going to get picked off though, but it’s too soon for a dramatic death scene like that. That one comes in Hour 23. Book it, Dan-O.

This week, I get punched in the face. Actually, this was worse than a punch to the face – it was a full-scale mugging. My beloved Crazy Jackie, picked off by some douchenozzle Russian hit man. These guys haven’t meant shit to the plot for half the season, and now the Russians are suddenly the phantom menace. Fuck that.

Can you tell I’m unhappy about the latest development?


“I’ve lived a full life, and these are the eyes/breasts that I want you to remember.”

Look, I knew that Jackie would die shortly after a moment of bliss with Jack (did anyone else notice that her hollow, raccoon eyes suddenly looked perfect for their big kiss?), and it stands to reason that the Russian mob would be the ones pulling the trigger. But now? You kill my favorite character on the show with six hours left and leave me with President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk as a replacement? I’m sorry, but those terms are unacceptable to me. Maybe they knew that killing her in the final hours would be too predictable, so they offed her now. That’s a logical play but also a shortsighted one, because now they’ve only pissed people off by killing her now; I think noted philosopher Eddie Murphy said it best when he said, “Ha ha, very funny, muthafucka.” Thank God they didn’t subject Agent Aaron “Old Yeller” Pierce to a similar fate, that’s all I’m saying.

So yes, the Russians are in deep with this whole thing in ways we couldn’t anticipate. In the early hours, it was merely some criminal kingpins profiting off the IRK’s instability, but now it looks as though Mother Russia has a vested interest in it as well. And the only hope of getting the Russians to sign the peace treaty is…Charles Logan? Hell, he was as dead as Tony Almeida last we saw him. He conspired with the Russians to have David Palmer killed, for God’s sake. He’s your Hail Mary? Madame President finished their chat by saying something along the lines of “I better not be wrong about you,” but has Logan ever been sleazier than he was in those few minutes? There are six hours left, which means no good can come from this, except possibly killing Logan once and for all.

While we’re discussing outrageous predictions, though, I did get this one right:

… [it] makes me wonder if Chloe is next in line to run CTU. She may still have that personality disorder, as Big Balls Bill Buchanan (RIP) once said, but she also has a good sense of right and wrong…”

Wow. I thought they were saving that one for the movie. And as soon as she inherited the crown, Chloe proved her worth by moving up the toxicology report of former terrorist mastermind Samir – did anyone else know that he was one of the guys that Jack shot when trying to save Slumdog President? Why on earth would he stay behind? – and confirming her suspicion that he was poisoned. Better call Jack and let him know what happened. “Oh hey, Renee…”

Fuck. Still not over her death yet.

An amusing Fox crossover moment came during Madame President’s scene with Logan, as his executive assistant is played by Reed Diamond, a.k.a. Dominic from “Dollhouse.” He was sent to the Attic on that show for betraying the director of the dollhouse, and he’s serving President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk here. Just throwing that out there.

So Crazy Jackie’s dead, and Chloe’s in charge of CTU. Logan’s in play, and Starbuck still hasn’t given them a lead. (Apparently my death-by-hate-fucking idea from last week was rejected.) I may not agree with the decisions the show is making, but give them this: they’re making things a lot more interesting now that they know they can play dirty. Still, damn, man. Not Jackie. Not now. This is the most heartbreaking death in the show’s history for me. Jackie is also the second character to receive two ceremonial silent clock ticks, one for her faked death in Hour 5 last year, and another for her much more real death tonight. You will be sorely missed, Renee/Crazy Jackie. And because you’re so special, your death merits two songs: the one that I referenced in the title, and one using your Christian name. (*wipes tear*)