Category: American Idol (Page 51 of 56)

So last night’s installment of “American Idol” taught us a few things. One, idols can’t sing country music very well. Two, Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell don’t like each other. Three, Randy Jackson shouldn’t wear a shiny red vest—dude, I can’t get the glare out of my eyes today.

All of the above pretty much sums up the storyline, but it’s worth noting that there is some real bitterness between judge and host and it keeps growing. After Simon made a comment about a contestant being dull and boring, Ryan responded by saying “Just like your love life, Simon.” Simon didn’t immediately respond, but later on made reference to Ryan’s 5 O’Clock shadow, saying that he was going for the “Desperate Housewives” look….taking a backhanded jab at the fact that Seacrest is said to be dating Terri Hatcher. Look, I like Simon and can’t stand Seacrest, but if he really is dating Terri Hatcher, he’s got scoreboard on the old man.

Then, to make things more interesting, Ryan later made reference to the fact that some of the judges were acting strange, and wondering aloud if there was a flask being passed around. We all know Paula has a problem, but are things that tense on the set that all of it is coming out before our very eyes? Stay tuned, this can only get uglier. But for now, pass me the flask, because if the performances are as boring next week as they were last night, we will all need to be drunk to figure out who is best.

Kenny Rogers was a guest on the show, and he spent some time coaching each contestant as they got ready to sing a song from the country music genre. Oddly, none of them picked a Kenny Rogers song. In fact, some of the song choices last night and this season in general have been, to use a Simon term, “dreadful.”

THE GOOD

Kellie Pickler was the best performer of the night, and no one should really be surprised that she can sing country. She sang “Fancy” and while Randy said it was great, Simon said he hated the song but loved the performance. But the fact that she was the best of the night should tell you all you need to know about everyone else.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Taylor Hicks kicked things off with John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” and it was about as bland as a piece of tofu. (To my vegetarian readers: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”). Simon said the performance had no personality. It didn’t suck, but it was just boring.

Mandisa sang “Any Man of Mine,” and even though she hails from Nashville she couldn’t pull it off. It was boring and off-key in spots. We all know she’s capable of doing much better.

Elliott Yamin sang Garth Brooks’ “If Tomorrow Never Comes,” and while Randy said it was “hot,” Simon said it was a safe and mediocre performance, and I agree. Have you noticed I don’t usually note Paula’s comments? That’s because she gushes over everyone through that drunken haze. Besides, who really cares what Paula Abdul thinks?

Paris Bennett attempted LeAnn Rimes’ “How Do I Live” and it was just okay, once again not what we’ve come to expect from this little dynamo. Paula actually said she didn’t connect with the audience and Simon disagreed and said it was “excellent.” Maybe Paula passed Simon the flask?

Ace Young sang “I Wanna Cry,” maybe trying to cater to the soft side of all his female fans. Randy said it was boring and I agree. Simon actually said it was “very good” and Paula, well, Paula has a chick woodie for this guy.

Chris Daughtry is my hero….he may even be my new favorite to go all the way. But last night, he nearly put me to sleep singing Keith Urban’s “Memories.” The judges thought it was cool seeing a different side of Chris, instead of the rocker everyone has come to recognize. He can sing, but needs to show a bit more of that flare again to keep it going.

Katharine McPhee sang “Bringing Out Elvis” and with a bluesy choice like that, I really expected her to bring it. But she really kind of brought a boring rendition. She wasn’t bad, but she wasn’t great. And the fact that she was in the bottom two last week makes me wonder if this is the last we’ll see of Katharine.

Bucky Covington sang “Best I Ever Had,” and I don’t know who remade it into country but to me, that is a Vertical Horizon song. You would think Bucky could really show us something this week, right? Um, no. Bucky started off so bad, I thought America would vote him off right there on the show, but he got better as the song went on. Still, dude has got to be sweating like a cow in line at McDonald’s.

THE BAD

Okay, there was no one that really sucked last night. So it’s going to be hard to even predict the bottom 3. I’m going with Ace, Katharine and Bucky, because they’ve all been there before and there’s no reason to believe America won’t put them there again. But who will go home? My gut says Katharine, but I don’t think that would be right….so I’m hoping America picks Ace, because I really think the time is right for him to ride off into the sunset, or into Paula’s bed.

See you tomorrow with the results!

Vandalay, OUT.

So Art Vandalay is a prophet once again. Either that or I rigged the whole freaking “American Idol” voting process. Nah, that would take too much time. This time Lisa Tucker pretty much booted herself off after a really bad rendition of Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You.”

But there were two surprises last night. One, that they brought out Skakira and Wyclef to perform the opening song for Elimination Wednesday. What, were Neil Sedaka or Tom Jones not available? This was actually a cool performance to watch, and Shakira showed some of the Idol hopefuls just how far they have to go to really become a star.

The other surprise was the bottom three–Lisa, Ace, and Catharine McPhee. To top it off, Catharine was in the bottom TWO. I understand Ace, because he completely butchered that Train song and he’s just annoying to begin with. But Catharine? Is America that in love with Bucky Covington and Kellie Pickler? Or are there just that many banjo-playing, barbecue-eating, sweet tea-drinking types voting for them? Either way, they’re all going home soon, but I didn’t think Catharine deserved to be ranked that low.

Oh, and just how many ways are there to spell Catharine? I swear I’m spelling it right but it never looks right. People, don’t name your daughters Catharine anymore, it’ll be better for us all.

So now we are down to 9. I’m still sticking with my gut here and saying Chris, Mandisa or Paris will win it all. But getting there is half the fun, so see you next week, kids.

Vandalay, OUT.

What the hell happened to the “American Idol” contestants this week? Were they serving up suck sanwiches outside the Kodak Theatre? Last night, there were only a handful of decent showings and a lot of them were just plain awful as the contestants took on songs from the last six years.

I have a theory, and it’s that with recent hits there is no way to change up a song and make it your own. You have to be either as good or better than the original, especially to an America that is ready to hit redial 50 times to place their vote for you. If anything, last night proved that this season’s class is actually human. Here is the scary recap:

THE GOOD

Paris Bennett was an early Vanadalay favorite, and still remains that way. She sang Beyonce’s “Work it Out” and while it’s not as convincing when a slightly chubby 17 year old does it, Paris was way better than anyone else last night. Randy said it was “hot,” and that might be pushing it, but Paris is alive and well in this thing.

Taylor Hicks took on Ray Lamontagne’s “Trouble” and it was a very good choice for him. Simon said it was an “excellent vocal.” I disagree, but it was a solid B-plus and that was better than most last night.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Mandisa took on a gospel song, something she apparently sings a lot of at home in Nashville. Still, it’s dangerous taking on a song that anyone outside the Christian community doesn’t know, and as Simon said, it was “self-indulgent.” Mandisa wailed as she always does but did go off-key in spots and it just wasn’t up to the standards we’ve come to expect. Look for her to rebound next week though.

Chris Daughtry sang Creed’s “What If” and it begged the question: “What if Scott Stapp could actually sing?” He would be Chris Daughtry. But of course, Scott Stapp is a tool, and I”m sure that Chris is a respectable young man. Anyway, Chris did a pretty good job but isn’t going to be a top vote-getter for his performance.

Bucky Covington (is he really still in this thing?) sang Tim McGraw and it was pretty much a yawn-fest. Simon said he couldn’t understand a word Bucky was singing, and he was right….but he really didn’t sound all that bad either.

Elliott Yamin sang Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” and even though the judges liked it, he is not in the same class as Bo Bice, who sang the same song last season on his way to runner-up status.

THE BAD

Lisa Tucker started the night off, and I confess to predicting Lisa would go really far when I first heard her sing. But after hearing her butcher Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You,” I’m sad to say she might be going home this week. Simon said the song was too big for Lisa’s voice, and if anything, it showed the difference between her and Kelly Clarkson, and that says it all.

Kellie Pickler sang Sara Evans’ “Suds in a Bucket” and while it was a cutesy choice for her personality, that personality never came out and it was just a piss-poor performance overall. Kellie needs to start showing a spark of some sort to keep her in this thing.

Ace Young, are you really still hanging around too? You won’t be for long after that awful rendition of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter.” Not only did it not even come close to the original, I told Mrs. Vandalay that I could have sang it better than Ace. He made things worse by pointing to a scar on his chest when a lyric came up about a scar, and Paula took the bait by getting all giddy and saying “Ace, you’ll have to tell me how you got that scar at some point.” Simon said “PAU-LA!” and I think most of America did too….I smell another sex scandal!

Catharine McPhee, while wearing form-fitting clothes to make sure America stops thinking she’s pregnant, sang Christina Aguilera and the judges thought it was okay. Judge Vandalay thinks it was all over the place, and Catharine is lucky she didn’t suck as much as Ace or Lisa.

So who will it be? I’d be really surprised if it wasn’t Ace or Lisa, though Bucky has been hanging by a thread the last few weeks too. I’m going with Lisa, because she’s been close to elimination before and because the young girls of America were probably impressed by Ace’s scar too.

Tune in tonight to find out, and tomorrow to read all about it.
Vandalay, OUT.

Not one week after my pal Mike glossed Kevin Covais “Kevin Michael Hall” he is gone to obscurity along with the likes of Long Duck Dong.

Yes, folks, lispy Kevin was voted off American Idol last night. Forget the fact that Bucky Covington, who was the runner-up for elimination, was much worse on Tuesday night. The fact is Kevin’s days were numbered, because he’s simply not the singer some of the remaining contestants are.

Last night’s Ford commercial featuring all of the remaining contestants was a video of them singing the Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat.” Processed cheese at its finest, that’s all I have to say.

Then they had to fill the 30 minutes, so they let Barry Manilow come and sing one of the songs from his new fifties album. The fact that I don’t remember his performance means one of two things….I am getting old, or it was not memorable. I’m going with the latter. But the best part was when all of the contestants rushed the stage at the end, including the recently voted off Big Gay Mexican Priest…..that dude looked like he was going to either start humping Barry Manilow or eat him.

So here are the updated Vandalay Power Rankings:

1. Mandisa
2. Chris Daughtry
3. Paris Bennett
4. Katharine McPhee
5. Taylor Hicks
6. Kellie Pickler
7. Lisa Tucker
8. Elliott Yamin
9. Ace Young
10. Bucky Covington

This is getting interesting folks……but now we get to see how the world of Kevin Michael Hall changes when he returns to Long Island. Bucky and Ace, your plane tickets are in the mail too.

Vandalay, OUT.