Author: Jason Zingale (Page 74 of 154)

Postal

August 25, 2008 / Jason Zingale

The last person that should be making political satires is Uwe Boll, a man that doesn’t even understand the concept of failure, let alone the lines that can and should be crossed in political incorrectness. Loosely based on the video game of the same name, “Postal” opens with the most inappropriate joke of the 21st Century: a view from within the World Trade Center as a plane crashes into it. That image alone is enough to guarantee an immediate boycott by most Americans, and it’s probably a good place to stop watching the film. In fact, even though the scene leading up to the crash is actually quite funny (two Islamic hijackers discuss the veracity of the 100 virgins theory, only to discover it’s not true), the rest of the movie is so amateurishly incoherent that the joke would have been better left to someone who could actually pull it off in good taste. Starring Zack Ward as the nameless protagonist, the movie follows the down-on-his-luck loser as he teams up with his cult leader uncle (Dave Foley) to rob a German-themed amusement park before Osama Bin Laden gets there first. One is looking to steal a shipment of hard-to-find plush dolls, while the other wants the vials of avian flu concealed within them. Can you guess which is which? It doesn’t really matter, since Boll is less concerned about a story than he is with jokes about Verne Troyer getting gang-raped by monkeys and Dave Foley showing his junk. You heard right, and that’s not even the worst of it. Just wait until he takes a dump with his junk still exposed…

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Bullz-Eye’s 2008 Fall Movie Preview

August 25, 2008 / Jason Zingale

The mercury’s falling, sports fans are turning their attention from baseball to football, and twerpy kids across the country are back in school where they belong. Fall is here, and for the movie lover, that means it’s time for Hollywood to begin its annual turning away from substance-free popcorn movies and toward thoughtful dramas and Oscar hopefuls.

Between early September and Thanksgiving, the studios will be working overtime to get you into the theater – Lionsgate, just to give one example, has more movies coming out than some companies release in an entire year. To help you cut through the clutter, Bullz-Eye has assembled a list of the 20 most-anticipated films of the season, including the latest Bond flick (“Quantum of Solace”), Guy Ritchie’s return to the crime caper genre (“RocknRolla”), and Oscar bait like “The Soloist” and “The Road.” Check out the list (complete with trailers), and then come back to discuss what fall movies you’re most looking forward to seeing.

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Desert Punk: The Complete Series

August 20, 2008 / Jason Zingale

If there’s one thing the Japanese aren’t afraid of, it’s expressing their inner pervert – especially when it comes to anime. A typical series features several buxom beauties, sexy schoolgirls and devilish demons scattered throughout, but “Desert Punk” needs just one: Junko, a dangerous femme fatale who uses her basketball-sized breasts in order to make her way to the top of the food chain. Her greatest admirer also happens to be Desert Punk, the titular anti-hero who spends his days dreaming about nestling in between a nice pair of boobs when he’s not earning a quick buck. Set in a post-apocalyptic future where Japan has been reduced to an impoverished desert country, “Desert Punk” follows the young mercenary as he acquires a bratty little apprentice, makes new enemies, and even forms a few alliances along the way. As the show’s tagline (“Get the job done. Collect the money. Repeat.”) suggests, the job-of-the-week format quickly gets old, and though the series eventually moves in a new direction at the midway point, once the death of a major character occurs in episode 20, the series stops dead in its tracks. The remaining four episodes try to right the ship before the big finale, but by then, it’s too late. There’s a reason the show never became more than a cult hit, but for those that enjoy a little crude humor with their action, “Desert Punk” is a treat.

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The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior

August 16, 2008 / Jason Zingale

I’m not exactly sure anyone was clamoring for a follow-up to 2002’s “The Scorpion King,” but with the release of the third installment of the once-popular “Mummy” franchise in theaters, someone over at Universal clearly found it beneficial to dump this low-rent prequel onto DVD and Blu-ray at the same time. The story begins decades before the first film, where a young Mathayus has just witnessed the death of his father at the hands of a traitorous Arcadian named Sargon (UFC fighter Randy Couture). When he returns several years later after being sent away to train with the royal guard, Mathayus (Michael Copon) discovers that his land is now under Sargon’s rule. Determined to exact revenge, Mathayus embarks on a dangerous journey to the underworld to recover the only weapon capable of destroying his enemy. If you thought watching the spin-off of a sequel to a remake was bad enough, try watching the direct-to-DVD prequel to that same film. “The Scorpion King 2” is oozing with bad production values, even worse acting, and some of the dumbest dialogue you’ll hear all year. It’s like a shitty episode of “Young Hercules,” but with a villain that has cauliflower ear and knows mixed martial arts.

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Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert

August 14, 2008 / Jason Zingale

Say what you will about the phenomenon that is Hannah Montana, but it’s no different from the many other musical acts that preceded her. People are quick to forget just how fanatical female teenagers can get – whether it’s Elvis Presley, The Beatles, New Kids on the Block, ‘N Sync, or even Britney Spears – and though much was made about Miley Cyrus and her Disney-bred alter ego’s “Best of Both Worlds” tour being sold out within minutes, it’s certainly not the first time that it’s happened. That didn’t stop desperate dads from doing whatever it took to score tickets (including running a 50-meter dash in high heels for a radio contest, as documented in the film), but it also didn’t make getting them any easier. Thankfully, Disney not only recognized that thousands of teeny boppers would miss out on the big event, but that they could actually turn a healthy profit by releasing the concert in theaters.

As far as concert films go, “Best of Both Worlds” is typical fare. Most of the movie is spent watching Miley perform, but occasionally, the audience is treated to a sneak peek backstage or a behind-the-scenes look at rehearsals. And guess what? It’s not that bad. The 3D version of the concert is less exciting than it sounds (just when you begin to feel like part of the crowd, a scene not filmed in 3D pulls you right back out), but it’s still a nice addition to the set. Plus, while Miley’s music isn’t exactly the stuff of Grammys, what she lacks in quality material, she more than makes up for with an energetic performance. The same goes for the Jonas Brothers (this generation’s equivalent of Hanson), who stop by to give Miley a breather midway through. Both are key players in this new wave of tween-ertainment, and while you might not understand what all the fuss is about, when all is said and done, you’ll at least respect it.

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