Author: John Paulsen (Page 78 of 79)

After last season, many of the networks scrambled to capitalize on the success of “Lost,” but I wasn’t expecting any of the characters on “Rome” to end up stranded on a deserted island. Such was the case for our heroes, Lucius and Titus, who find themselves in dire straits after their ship sinks in a storm. I half expected a polar bear to charge out of the jungle, only there wasn’t any jungle, or any water for that matter. “This is where we die,” proclaims Lucius, who later figures out a way to use the corpses that washed up as part of a raft to get off the island. Like the Guinness guy says on those commercials – “Brilliant!”

Last week, I discussed Octavia’s budding relationship with Servilia, but I thought it would develop as more of a mother / daughter connection, with Servilia acting as a proper maternal figure that Octavia seems to so desperately want. But that’s not what we saw tonight. Regarding the lesbian love, I started to get suspicious when Octavia had to primp before seeing Servilia the first time and then more so after her strange reaction (post-masturbation scene) when Atia wanted her to visit Servilia the second time. There’s sort of a Melissa Etheridge / Portia De Rossi thing going on between these two. It should be good television when Atia finally finds out.

I felt a little cheated after all the buildup to the final battle between Pompey and Caesar. The battle consisted of a few close up strobe shots of soldiers fighting. I hate the strobe effect – it is a cheap way to try to add drama to a scene that should contain more, and it is usually a sign of a show going the way of the dodo, or at least being dropped from my viewing roster. I am going to give “Rome” a pass on this one, but if this is really their idea of a battle scene, we’re all in trouble. Nevertheless, we have no idea how Caesar overcame horrible odds to be victorious until Pompey draws it out in the dirt later in the show. That’s just what I want to see, a semicircle in the dirt.

I also wonder about the likelihood of Pompey arriving at the exact same spot on the coast where Lucius and Titus wash ashore. Talk about random. Caesar explains this convenient coincidence away in one of the final scenes by saying that our two heroes “have powerful gods on their side.” If you say so, Julius. If you ask me, it’s just uncharacteristically lazy writing.

And how about poor, poor Cicero? The guy wants out of politics and just wants to sleep, whether it’s a proper retirement or a permanent dirt nap. He and Brutus surrender to Caesar and the chief welcomes him with open arms. Cicero tries to beg for Caesar’s mercy, and seems to be trying to put himself out to pasture in the process, but Caesar won’t let him get a word in edgewise. An overused Michael Corleone quote comes to mind – “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

The episode was saved by the final scene where Pompey lands in Egypt and is beheaded. Gruesome, violent, unnecessary – these are all words that come to mind. Man, I love HBO.

This week’s episode was rather uneventful but featured some great lines. Therefore, this week’s blog entry will quote and discuss the context of said dialogue.

“Have you penetrated anyone yet?” – Atia asks her son, Octavian, the most personal of questions. I was waiting for Octavian to say, “Mom, you’re embarrassing me! God!” and stalk out of the room, but the kid just pouts a bit before Atia instructs Titus to set her boy up with his first penetration.

“The calendar’s correct if you’d like to have me tonight.” – Niobe offers herself up to her husband after her sister finally leaves, swearing to never speak to her again (over Niobe’s affair with her husband). Lucius, who complained about the state of his marriage to Titus, takes her up on her offer and the two seem to reconnect.

“You will penetrate someone today or I’ll burn your wretched books in the yard!” – Atia threatens Octavian after he balks at his scheduled appointment with Titus. Octavian relents and goes with Titus to a brothel where he picks a fine young lass from another part of the world – she doesn’t even know where she’s from. Talk about strange.

“It was pleasant.” – Octavian’s response when Titus asks how his first time went. The whore described Octavian as being “like a bull.” Titus seems to be pleased at his young protégé’s accomplishment.

“Arithmetic has no mercy.” – Marc Antony describes Caesar’s situation in the field to Atia. Pompey continued to run across Greece with Caesar on his tail. In the process, Pompey garnered several more legions and now has Caesar on the run. Caesar requests that Antony bring the 13th legion in support and Antony takes a day or two to decide his next course of action.

“What a wretched old harpy you are.” – Marc Antony in response to Atia’s marriage proposal after the two fornicate (in front of a servant). She’s looking for protection once Caesar is defeated and Antony, who was considering betraying Caesar, is surprised at her temerity. After the insult, the two lovers trade slaps and Antony leaves for Greece, likely to get no more pooty from Atia.

“Large penis is always welcome.” – Atia, speaking to her children, justifies her offering of a slave (with a rather large organ) as a gift to Servilia. Atia sends her daughter to present the gifts to Servilia and the two seem to connect. This looks like an alliance that will develop over time and may end up biting Atia in the ass.

Remember those shitty terms that Caesar offered Pompey? Well, Pompey decided to accept them. Caesar avoids peace by balking on the truce, blaming Pompey’s decision not to agree to a sit down. Meanwhile, Atia finds out about Octavian’s little foray in a storage closet with Caesar and is actually excited about the idea of her boy seducing the mighty leader – talk about horrible parenting. Octavian denies the rumor and lets it slip that Caesar has a condition. He says no more, but the cat is clearly out of the bag.

Titus sleeps off a rough night of drinking on Lucius’ doorstep and realizes that he forgot his slave girl somewhere. Lucius joins him on a brief search and ultimately pays Titus’ tab at a local establishment to get the girl back. Titus can’t keep the girl, so Lucius takes her in as a slave, much to Niobe’s chagrin. Lucius goes to check on his other slaves only to find out that they have all died, save for a single boy, whom he brings into his home until his illness has passed – yeah, that’s a great idea. Atia hires Titus to tutor Octavian in swordplay, but it is Titus who asks the boy for counsel surrounding his suspicion of Niobe’s wrongdoing. Lucius, out of money, takes a job as a bodyguard to a loan shark and finds the work distasteful. He ultimately rejoins the army, having to swallow his pride to ask Mark Antony for his old job back.

Caesar and his mistress, Servilia, have a nice time until some naughty graffiti pops up on walls all over Rome. Caesar’s wife gets pissed and he has to break it off with Servilia, who is none too happy about it. During the breakup, slaps are thrown and Caesar lets his mistress know that he won’t have it by giving her three hard ones to the side of the head. Servilia is now super-pissed and, after finding out that Atia is behind the graffiti, lays down the mother of all curses on both Atia and Caesar. Caesar heads out to take on Pompey only to find that he’s sailed for Greece. Meanwhile, Titus and Octavian corner the father of Niobe’s baby (whom Lucius believes is his) and after a little torture, the guy spills the beans. The duo decides to kill the man in the sewer and never speak of the incident again – not even to Lucius. My guess is that this little nugget is going to endanger Titus’ friendship with Lucius, especially considering Titus’ inability to keep a secret.

Caesar is in Rome and he’s paying people for their loyalty. Only problem is, he’s running out of gold. Caesar has the city under martial law and decides to throw a party at the house of Julie Cooper (Atia) to negotiate loyalty fees. Julie is Caesar’s niece, but I don’t think she’s blood because she wants the spot at Caesar’s side – and on top of him and beneath him and so on. But those positions are already taken by Servilia, whom Caesar invites to a party at Julie’s. Meanwhile, Lucius is starting a new venture and throws a party of his own. Things get weird when his sister-in-law arrives with her husband (also the father of Niobe’s baby, whom Lucius believes is his grand-daughter). The sister-in-law gets drunk, causes a scene and she and her husband are banished from Lucius’ home. Later, Pompey’s son arrives with a band of men and questions Lucius at sword point about the location of the stolen gold. Conveniently, Titus arrives (stupidly, with pomp and circumstance, basically announcing his crime) and he and Lucius dispatch the band of men. Lucius convinces Titus to give the gold and Pompey’s son to Caesar and hope for mercy. Caesar takes it easy on Titus and sends Pompey’s son back to his father with an offer of truce, which is impossible for Pompey to accept. With the offer, Caesar tried to divide Pompey from the Senate, and based on their respective reactions, it worked. After sending Pompey’s son off, Caesar has a seizure (try saying that ten times fast) to which young Octavian and Casesar’s right hand man are the only witnesses. The duo pull Caesar into a small room to let the seizure pass and one of the servants listens to Caesar’s grunting at the door. Later she only sees Caesar and Octavian leave so she likely suspects pedophilia. Ah, just another day in Rome!

When Pompey learns that Caesar is heading straight for Rome, he decides to leave the city and gather his legions (who were stationed elsewhere) before returning to eliminate his old friend. Pompey’s wife is no dummy and she reminds him to bring some gold along to pay the legions. He sends his best man, Durio, along with some men to retrieve as much gold as possible, but Pompey’s departure sends the city into chaos and the men decide to kill Durio and run off with the gold themselves.

When there’s chaos, throw a party. Like any good socialite, Atia (a.k.a. Julie Cooper) decides to do just that and is surprised when Pompey loyalists try to break into her home. During the commotion, Julie tells everyone who should stab whom if the invaders gain entry. The only one keeping a level head is the young Octavian, who I suspect is destined for great things. Meanwhile, Lucius and Titus are leading a small band of Caesar’s men ahead of the legion to post their commander’s intention on the Senate’s door. Lucius is troubled by his last visit with his wife and goes to Titus for advice. Titus instructs Lucius to tell her that she is beautiful every time he sees her – even when she’s not – and to bring her the heart of an enemy, a gesture that he claims makes the women “as wet as October.” On their journey, they run across the gold-stealing soldiers, who had picked up a pretty young lass on the way. Lucius realizes something is amiss and after a brief battle, the thieves are killed. Ponderously, Lucius fails to check the wagon (even though he was curious about its contents when he first ran into the thieves) and as they get closer to Rome, Titus nags him to go back. Lucius ignores him and finishes his mission by posting Caesar’s intentions on the Senate door. Feeling as if he is a traitor to the Republic, he quits the army and heads home to his wife, who (sort of) fesses up and the two agree to start anew.

Finally, Titus heads back to the wagon and discovers the gold – lots and lots of gold. When he hears the marching drums of Caesar’s legion growing near, he’s faced with a decision – turn the gold over to his leader or take it (and the pretty young lass) for his own. Not wanting to disappoint his growing number of fans, he moves the wagon up a hill and far away from Caesar’s path