Author: Deb Medsker (Page 53 of 70)

“Welcome [back] to the O.C., bitch!”

You know something is up when the creators of a TV program bring back a beloved character who has long since left the show. Either it’s sweeps month, and they’re just doing it as a stunt to boost ratings (witness Noah Wyle’s return to E.R. last month)…or they think the overall health of their show is in trouble. Since March ain’t sweeps month, we can only assume that the return of Samaire Armstrong to “The O.C.” is the writers’ equivalent of a desperate cry for help.

Last seen leaving perfect soul mate Seth (Adam Brody) because, well, Seth is only funny when he’s unhappy, and an unfunny Seth is just annoying, Armstrong’s character Anna moved back to whatever non-O.C. slum from whence she came, and hadn’t been heard from since 2004…until now. Presumably, things are going much too smoothly between Seth and Summer, and Anna needs to throw the balance back out of whack. I say presumably, incidentally, because I stopped watching this show after its second season.

And here’s the thing: Samaire’s adorable, and good for her for being a good sport and showing up where she’s needed…but this quick band-aid isn’t enough to fix the show — or to make me start watching again.

Let’s review some of the writers’ prior infractions, shall we? To date, they have:

1. Turned one of the most likable, stable, level-headed characters on the show (Hot Mom Kirsten) into a raging lush for no apparent reason

2. Killed off one of the other most likable (well, love-to-hatable) characters, Kirsten’s father Caleb

3. Turned public defender and stand-up-guy Sandy into a sneak who lies to his wife about seeing his ex-girlfriend and sells out to go work for “the man”

4. Continued to employ Mischa Barton despite zero evidence of acting ability; and

5. Replaced Marissa’s younger sister Caitlin after a two-year absence at “boarding school” with an actress easily five years older than the original Caitlin.

Not quite sure what the return of Anna Stern will do to address any of the above…but, hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step towards solving it, right?

Reluctant passing of the Latina Queen torch

Photo Daily News posted this article on the behind-the-scenes mayhem that goes into the creation of the annual post-Oscars issue of that bastion of literary finetude, Us Weekly. Details on how the gossip rag’s editors sort through 40,000 photos of lovely ladies, penguins, and closeted stars escorting their mothers are certainly enlightening…but of much greater interest is the description of the photogenic glare-down between sizzling paragons of Latina beauty Jennifer Lopez and Jessica Alba. Apparently, the actresses were captured on film arriving at the Governor’s Ball at the same time, wearing similar dresses, and “shooting each other icy daggers with their eyes.”

One can only imagine the spicy dialogue that ensued:

Jenny from the Block: “Bitch. I’m the reigning Queen Latina Sex Bomb. The hell you doing here?”
Jessica: “Nuh-uh, you sad little has-been ho. I’m the yummiest Latina sexpot in the room, times ten. You’re just a faded suburban wannabe pop star with a fat ass, married to a smarmy bug-eyed control freak. Deal with it.”
J Lo: “My Marc Anthony is going to cut you all up in pieces for that, you nasty skank. And who said you could wear light green tonight?”
Jessica: “I wear what I want, bee-yotch. Now step off, before the scent of your failure rubs off on me.”
Eva Longoria: “Jesus! It’s Oscar Night. Be nice. F#@k! Besides, I’m way hotter than either of you putas.”

Can’t wait to see the photo when the new issue of Shamefully Guilty Pleasure Weekly comes out.

Ask Professor Natalie

Harvard-educated actress and stone cold killah Natalie Portman guest-lectured students just two years younger than herself in a Columbia University class on “Terrorism and Counterterrorism” this week.

During her appearance in class (part of an MTV-U promotion for upcoming Wachowski brothers flick “V for Vendetta”), Portman dispensed controversial opinions such as “torture is wrong” and “censorship is bad.” She also went on to say, “I don’t think it’s right to take down the Twin Towers.” However, she did confirm that under certain circumstances it would be appropriate for someone of her level of hotness to date a goofy-looking guy like Zach Braff.

Creepy old billionaire wants to date his daughter

Recognizing that jokes about incest are always a laugh riot, Donald Trump mentioned during a recent appearance on ABC’s “The View” that his 24-year-old daughter Ivanka has “a nice figure,” and that if she weren’t his daughter, he might be dating her right now.

Ivanka then apparently smiled and returned her father’s compliments by indicating that she might date him, too…if he weren’t a skeevy, incestuous old blowhard with a bad rug.

A rough week for Tommy Boy

Poor Tom Cruise. First, he starts off the week by losing probably the only award for which he was nominated this year, the Worst Actor Razzie, to the Copy Room Guy, of all people. Now, he’s getting flak for backing out of a commitment to appear on the cover of Wenner Media title Men’s Journal, simply because Wenner Media title Rolling Stone refused to kill its story denigrating Scientology, the cult religion of which Cruise is such an outspoken, dues-paying, devout , freakishly obsessed member.

They say bad luck comes in threes…so what’s next for our embattled bully hero? Will he start losing his luxuriously shiny hair? Will Oprah finally put the smackdown on him for bouncing on her couch? Will it be revealed that Katie Holmes does not, in fact, think that life in the Cruise compound is all that “amazing” after all?

Only time will tell.

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