Author: David Medsker (Page 29 of 65)

So let’s take a look at what has happened to CTU in the last 60 minutes:

– Director Bill Buchanan, the lone sane man in a sea of crazy, was fired by Karen Hayes, his wife, for releasing Fayed two years ago for lack of evidence. That’s right, he was fired for following procedure and not obtaining a then-innocent man. Holy “Minority Report,” Batman.
– Morris O’Brien, fed up with the flippant cruelty of his ex-wife and current girlfriend (that comment about arming the nukes was a low blow), has requested a transfer out of coms.
– Acting director Nadia (!) has ordered the arrest of Jack Bauer. I’m actually on her side on this one. She had to do it: he went rogue and left them no choice but to take him down. However…
– Because of the Ricker’s impulsiveness, Cheng got away with the chip despite Jack’s plans to blow Cheng, the chip, and himself sky high. In the meantime, Cheng’s men blew a CTU helicopter out of the sky.

That’s some bad hat, Harry.

As much as I didn’t like seeing Cheng get away with the chip – if you were shocked by the outcome, congratulations, you haven’t watched as much TV as the rest of us – I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Cheng’s men launch a bazooka at that CTU helicopter. The gloves are off again, or as they said in one memorable “South Park” episode, it’s on. China just attacked the United States’ Counter-Intelligence Unit. Is there any way that China can spin this in such a way that they’re the victim? Don’t think so. Hit ‘em with everything you’ve got. Nice to see the show sport some onions.

And for the second week, I saw Senator Roark’s assistant/concubine wince at the thought of getting physical with him. Sure, she kissed him and said she’d get a change of clothes, but that woman’s body language is saying something compleeeeeeeetely different. She’s saying, “Damn it, I was kissing William Fichtner on the set of ‘Invasion’ a few months ago! Now I’m kissing…this? He damn well better make me the new First Lady.” And the funny thing is, she’d still be a distant second in the list of blindly ambitious First Ladies, but that’s a topic for another blog altogether. And speaking of First Ladies, I just realized: Wheelbarrow Wayne doesn’t have one, either. Or if he did, where is she? Is that even allowed? Was there speculation about his preferences during his campaign due to the Seinfeldian trifecta of Palmer being thin, neat and single?

And lastly, there’s Audrey, or what’s left of her, anyway. Her babbling towards the end of the episode sounded like Tara after the demigod Glory scrambled her brain in Season Five of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I have to say, I didn’t see that coming. When I saw her walk in with the bulky coat, I immediately thought, “She’s strapped with C-4, too,” and that Cheng was going to blow Jack sky high after he was safely out of range. Since that didn’t happen, well, I’m at a loss for how they resolve that plot thread in a way that ends with me giving a damn. Could we get JJ Abrams to take over as show runner for a season? Screw the final frontier, JJ: we need you here and now!

Scout’s honor: from the moment that Wheelbarrow Wayne said that he was getting out of the bunker to give his press conference, I said out loud, “Oh good, that way you can die on national television.” Come on, you all saw this coming, right? He had all of his ducks in a row. The suitcase nukes were secured, and Senator Roark was planning to resign. As a favor to Jack – and frankly, Wayne did owe Jack, since Jack agreed to be Wayne’s martyr a mere 17 hours earlier – he agreed to a zany plan to extract Audrey Raines from the clutches of the Chinese that involved potentially handing over Russian missile technology to the Chinese. There is no way in hell that the leader of any country agrees to this, of course, but dammit, we have six hours to kill.

Like I said, it was all in the cards. Wayne had to take a fall. And Roark didn’t waste any time swinging his dick around, smacking Karen Hayes on the forehead with it the first chance he got. Big surprise, that, though I did get a big laugh out of his assistant’s reaction when he said, before the President collapsed and Roark was planning on resigning, “At least we’ll have more time to spend together.” She seemed completely repulsed by the idea. That better come into play before season’s end.

The entire time that Jack was making his Draconian deal with the Chinese, I’m thinking, “Tell Buchanan.” Not because I thought that CTU would go along with it, but because I have grown tired of Jack always having to double-deal. When Morris forced Chloe’s hand, I was actually pleased. And when Palmer went down, I knew that the first thing Roark would do was repeal that order. Hell, I would have done the same thing in his shoes. I’m sorry, you want to give the Chinese what, exactly? Um, no. Sorry dude, tough break for your girlfriend. Pity her other TV show was canceled, or she wouldn’t be in this position.

So Jack has gone rogue, whatever the hell that means anymore. Roark has assumed the presidency for the foreseeable future, and I’m guessing his first Presidential act will be to have the Biscuit drawn and quartered on the White House lawn. Chloe has been taken out of the loop as Jack’s lifeline…oh, hell, I’ve already gotten bogged down in more minutiae than the writers have. But if the writers must remember one thing, it’s that we still haven’t forgotten that they have yet to reveal what Wayne had to do to get Jack out of prison in the first place. We won’t suffer flogging as well as Karen Hayes does. In fact, I’m pretty sure the Neilsen numbers already reflect that.

In the space of about two minutes, Jack Bauer dropped a guy with a sharp jab to the back of his knees, and then broke his neck. He then shot and killed about five or six hostiles, all of whom were much better armed than he was. Lastly, he fought hand to hand with Abu Fayed in a slugfest that involved a pipe to the forearm, stabbing, biting off flesh, a headbutt, and ultimately with Jack hanging Fayed with a chain, a la John McClane in “Die Hard.” “Say hello to your brother,” Jack said, which, curiously enough, is something McClane said in “Die Hard with a Vengeance.”

So will someone please explain to me exactly how Jack lost to Indiana Jones in our Badass Bracket? It seemed like a slam dunk to us that Bauer would lay Junior Jones to waste. Not only that, Jack beds way more women. It just don’t add up, I tells ya! But what do we know: McClane is now facing off against Indiana in the Elite Eight, and Jones is beating him too, though by a very slim margin.

Speaking of Fayed’s death scene, I was just waiting for an acting coach to walk on the set, pull a closed fist to his chest and say, “Aaaaaand, scene.” The whole thing seemed rather abrupt. Wait a minute: did I just see the season finale seven episodes early? What the hell is going on here? And then it hit me: the show’s producers realized that they were just as bored with this whole suitcase nuke thing as we are, so they (quickly, rudely) shifted gears. Now that Jack has the nukes, he must turn them over to the Chinese, or they will kill…the heretofore deceased Audrey Raines. Come on, you knew she wasn’t dead. Her other show was canceled! Of course she’s alive!

But more on that in a second: let’s get to the action in the White House. I’m anointing Wayne Palmer the new nickname of Wheelbarrow Wayne, since he clearly needs a wheelbarrow to carry those elephantine onions of his. He’s playing nuclear chicken with a country known for harboring terrorists? Are you kidding me? We all shook our heads last week at how the dove turned into a vulture, but give them credit: that was easily the ballsiest thing Wheelbarrow Wayne has ever done. It’s like the kill-‘em-all philosophy of Senator Roark, only clever. It was a nice touch. Pity that he’ll probably wind up in a coma within 10 minutes of asking Senator Roark to resign.

As for the CTU melodrama, quoth Phil Collins, I don’t care anymore. Milo gets jealous about a comment Nadia makes towards the Ricker. Morris intervenes. Chloe is marginalized more than ever. Yawn. If I’m Mary Lynn Rajskub, I start looking for a way to get my character in the field and “tragically killed.” Seeing Chloe like this is like watching a relative spend years on life support. She deserves better.

So, back to the Chinese.

Little good can come of this, of course. On the plus side, maybe – maybe – we’ll finally find out what kind of deal Palmer struck with the Chinese in order to secure Jack Bauer’s release. Then again, maybe there was no deal to be struck. Maybe the Chinese were playing both Miss Gredenko and Fayed against each other in order to put the Number One Super Spy in play so that he can inadvertently secure the nukes on their behalf. No, that can’t be right: Wheelbarrow Wayne said early on that he paid a high price to have Jack freed. What was it, dammit? Speaking of dammits, tonight’s episode had the funniest ‘dammit’ ever, as Jack is trying to talk to CTU from the bottom of a sanitation truck. Couldn’t he have just sent them a text message once he realized they couldn’t hear him? Heck, I was watching the Cubs home opener today, which a friend of mine was attending, and when I wanted to tell him something, I didn’t even bother calling him: I just sent him a text message. He, of course, called me back, and I couldn’t understand a damn thing he said.

And once again, we STILL don’t know what’s up with Farmer Hoggett, President Buck buck Brawwwwk, Heidi Petrelli, and Jack Jack. Is there some dangerous liaison between Hoggett, Logan, and the Chinese? Do the producers of “24” know that their precious little moneymaker is running out of gas? Will the movie be finished in time for anyone to care? It’s like watching “Lost”: you may have lost of questions, but good luck getting them answered.