Guess who's got his hands full.

1. Seth MacFarlane – Finally, there’s a reason for straight guys to care. Sure, it’s nice to see the comedic stylings of 102 year-old Billy Crystal show us how you can tap dance while being attached to an iron lung, but it’s time to move on. If you haven’t laughed at MacFarlane during Family Guy, Ted or a comedy roast, then you probably flat-lined years ago.

2. It could get you laid – Nothing says “honey, I love you” more than sitting through something she knows you hate. Women enjoy the little things like kindness, consideration, chocolate and diamonds. Just don’t let on that you like it or you won’t be able to cash in later.

3. It’s not the Grammys – A sign you’re old is when you don’t recognize half of the songs nominated at the Grammys. It’s a fact and I’ve got the 8-track to prove it. Everyone has heard of most of the movies at the Oscars and it’s acceptable to lie about the rest. As a matter of fact, lying about the movies makes you an official Academy voter.

4. It’s not real life – Between the Sequester, natural disasters, commercials convincing you that you’re far more sick than you realize and Facebook reminding you how everyone is having more fun than you are, it can be a welcome relief to know that even for one night, millionaires can be called “losers”.

5. A 3rd Grader could be the story of the night – That’s right. Nominated for best actress is Quvenzhane Wallis for “Beasts of the Southern Wild”. I don’t even think hockey announcers can pronounce her name. It’s her first role and I can’t wait to see the shock on people’s faces when they find out next week that she traded in the Oscar for Jay-Z tickets and a Playstation 4.