So The CW provided critics with the first part of the 2-hour 5th season premiere of “One Tree Hill,” which picks up four years, six months, and two days after the 4th season finale…and although I have never before seen an episode of the show, I know this to be true because, well, the episode is entitled “4 Years, 6 Months, 2 Days.”

It’s a leap of faith I’m taking, I realize, but, dammit, I’m confident that I’m right about this.

In addition to the screener of the episode, however, critics were also given a pleasantly threatening note, which begins with the line, “Please Do Not Reveal the following information in your reviews, features, etc,” then goes on to offer up five bullet points that, obviously, I won’t be offering up for your reading enjoyment.

Well, okay, I will list them…but so as not to upset anyone at The CW, I’ll have to put in blanks where the crucial information is. If you’re a real fan of the show, though, I’m sure you’ll be able to solve the mysteries.

* Do not reveal (PERSON) is in a (THING).
* Do not reveal (PERSON) as (PERSON)’s (GENDER)friend.
* Do not reveal (PERSON) is in (PLACE).
* Do not reveal (PERSON)’s and (PERSON)’s reunion.
* Do not reveal (PERSON)’s (EVENT).

See what I mean? Easy peasy.

The truth of the matter, however, is that my never having seen a single episode of “One Tree Hill” in no way affects my ability to offer this heartfelt opinion of the proceedings: if you’d told me that the script had been written by Chester Cheetah, I would’ve said, “Wow, that sure is eerily appropriate, as I was just thinking how that’s the only possible excuse I would’ve accepted for why it’s so cheesy.”

Yeah, yeah, that’s right, the guy who doesn’t know anything about the show takes a cheap shot, thereby proving that he’s a complete asshole, which is what you already suspected, anyway. Look, I absolutely applaud a show for taking a risk in an attempt to shake up the status quo (as I just did that yesterday with”Medium,” in fact), but this thing plays less like a new season of a show than one of those TV reunion movies, like “An Eight Is Enough Wedding,” or even worse, like that updated hour-long version of “The Brady Bunch” that ran in the ’80s: “The Bradys.”

In fact, can I get a clip for that, please, just to refresh your memories…?

Awesome, thanks.

Man, that sure was awful, wasn’t it, folks? And, sadly, that’s how this new season of “One Tree Hill” is looking. It’s, like, “Hey, look, the kids are all grown up and living awesome new adult lives!”

So what can I tell you that hasn’t been put on the do-not-reveal-under-penalty-of-getting-your-ass-kicked list?

* Brooke (Sophia Bush) is a veritable fashion mogul, now that her design company – Clothes Over Bro’s – has skyrocketed her to fame and fortune.
* The music-loving Peyton (Hilarie Burton) is working at a record label.
* Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) has published his first novel and is scoring critical acclaim.
* Marvin the Mouth (Lee Norris) is looking for the elusive job as a sportscaster.
* Haley (Bethany Joy Galeotti) is just finishing her student teaching.
* And Nathan (James Lafferty) is…well, Nathan’s fate no doubt has the producers rubbing their hands together in glee at the thought of what kind of reactions they’re going to get from the fans, which is why I can’t reveal it to you. I’m guessing, though, that the writers came up with it by asking, “Short of death, what’s the most unfortunate fate that could befall the show’s resident basketball star?”

The only real good news is that Daphne Zuniga, late of “Melrose Place,” has been added to the cast as a hard-ass businesswoman who works for Clothes Over Bro’s, providing a reminder of how much fun melodrama can be when the right person is reading the lines. There are also a few entertaining sequences with the less grown-up members of the ensemble as they play basketball, video games, and basically act like real people in their early 20s. Otherwise, we’re given a non-stop run of plot threads and cliches that feel rehashed from Lifetime movies or ABC Family Channel flicks. In particular, the sequences with Peyton at the record label would be hard-pressed to play more unrealistically.

Boss: How long have you been in Los Angeles, Peyton, from…
Peyton: …from Tree Hill, North Carolina. Four years.
Boss: Four years. Why’d you come?
Peyton: I wanted to discover and sign bands that could change someone’s life, like the band’s that changed mine.
Boss: I figured you were one of them. I used to be, too. Then I figured it out: it’s called show business for a reason. We’re here to make money.
Peyton: Even if the product sucks.
Boss: Especially if the product sucks. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but rock and roll can’t actually save the world.
Peyton: See, i disagree. Walk into any club on the strip tonight and just look at the kids. Look into their eyes. I mean, they’re all looking for something to believe in, and I think that music can be the thing that changes their world.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh…

Okay, fair enough, I’m not a fan of the show, so you can discount my opinion completely. But I’ll close with this: my wife was a huge “Dawson’s Creek” fan, and she still watches the reruns on occasion, but she watched “One Tree Hill” with me last night, and not only did she declare it awful, but she also actually regretted that she’d never get back those 42 minutes of her life.

She said it, not me.