Year: 2006 (Page 215 of 228)

The Sports Guy laments the President’s assassination

January 18, 2006 /

The Sports Guy, ESPN’s Bill Simmons, is one of the best sports columnists around, partially because he hits on just about every pop culture topic out there. This week, while discussing Steelers’ RB Jerome Bettis’ near catastrophic fumble in the closing minutes of their playoff game against the Colts, Simmons threw this gem in:

As it turned out, it wasn’t even the most shocking moment of the day — not when the “24” brain trust decided to kill off President David Palmer. How can you kill off the greatest fake president ever? Who would do such a thing? That was the most traumatic Hollywood death since Curtis Jackson was gunned down at the liquor store during the second season of the “White Shadow.” Heck, I was planning on voting for Palmer two years from now — instead, I have to vote for Kevin Kline. Plus, every time I see an Allstate commercial, I’m going to expect Dennis Haysbert to get gunned down right in the middle of a busy intersection. What an outrage. Can’t they bring him back for Season Six under the old “Um, he never really died, he was just in a coma, and now he’s fine!” angle?

I’m right with him: after it happened, I immediately wondered, “Okay, how could they possibly bring him back?” And then, during one of the subsequent commercial breaks, Haysbert shows up in an Allstate ad. I know this is all pretend — I KNOW it — and yet, for a split second, I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. “Wait, you’re supposed to be dead!”

I thought “24” was missing something last season without Palmer and was thrilled when he showed up again. His assassination certainly was a shocker, but his absence will be felt.

24, TV

Leif Garrett proves he can, in fact, get arrested in Hollywood

January 18, 2006 /

The 44-year-old former teen idol, who once sold many, many records to Buffybot, was apprehended at a subway station for failing to buy a ticket. Suspicious authorities then searched the man who “was made for dancing” and discovered that he also apparently was made for concealing heroin.

Garrett’s arrest will likely put a damper on his comeback efforts…as will the unflattering mug shot revealing that his once-lush, groovy tresses of golden hair are now long gone.

(I say, if the “can’t get arrested” joke is funny once, it’s twice as funny the second time…right, Shelley “the Machine” Levine?)

Gossip, News

American Idol

January 18, 2006 /

So season 5 of American Idol began last night (has it really been around for four years?) and immediately I wanted to puke when Ryan Seacrest opened things up. I mean, who out there thinks the show can stand on its own without this no-talent host? He starts things off by trying to paint this picture of American Idol being part of the cultural landscape in our country–right or wrong, stop being so full of yourselves.

The show started out by showing the first contestants who entered in Chicago, and as always, showcased the best and worst of the auditions. Here are some highlights of each:

Best: The Brittenum twins were really good, but 16 year old Joshua and Jarrett were even better. All moved on to Hollywood. An obviously overweight girl named Mandisa had an incredible voice and was escorted to Hollywood, though Simon joked “Is the stage going to be big enough?” David, a Sinatra type crooner, made it to the next round but the judges were reluctant because the show’s history has exposed these types as being one-dimensional. There was also Gina, a singer from the band Catfight, who surprised everyone by belting out a Celine Dion song really well…and by professing her affection for Simon. Then there was David, the guy who talks to animals and does this weird dancing, and really didn’t sing that well….but they let him through to Hollywood because Randy and Paula either wanted to amuse themselves, or it was a ratings ploy.

Worst: Was it the girl who sang “Blue Moon” and kept stopping? The dude that Simon told to shave his beard and put on a dress? The deputy sheriff who came dressed in his real work uniform and sang “I Shot the Sheriff” terribly? Erik, the kid who Simon said “sang like an Aunty,” prompting the kid’s grandmother to want to kick Simon’s ass? The chick who they had to keep bleeping out? The 16 year old girl who was too tan for Simon, but couldn’t sing anyway? The dude dressed like the Statue of Liberty who started singing “Start Spreading–” before Simon said “ok, that’s enough, thank you”? Or Derek Dupree, the one who proclaimed he was the next American Idol, then sucked badly? Actually my vote goes to him, because not only did he segue from “Shout” to XTC’s “Nigel” in a frightening way, but Ryan Seacrest brought him out to the street to get a second opinion and two people laughed at him.

The show ended by showing some atrocious versions of the same song, Patti Labelle’s “Lady Marmalade,” and how every contestant that auditioned with the song butchered it equally.

Boy, I can’t wait to see how the Denver contestants do…..or not. Either way, I do have to say, is there a good reason for a 2 hour premier?

American Idol, TV

Squeeze a lemon, you get lemonade. Squeeze Lem, and you’ve got some problems.

January 18, 2006 /

For fans of the show who always thought that Kenneth Johnson (Lem) didn’t play a big enough part can rest easy. It looks like we’ll be seeing a lot of him over the next few weeks, especially considering he’s the guy that behind the wheel of the Strike Team’s destiny. His loyalty is a bit shaky, especially considering his ulcer-causing conscience, but no matter what happens, he’ll pull through for the team by the end of the season; even if it means killing Kavanaugh himself. The unbalanced IAD agent doesn’t seem to have much effect on Lem, but his head will be on chopping block as soon as Vic discovers that he’s sweet-talking his way to the truth via Vic’s ex Corrine.

In fact, Lem doesn’t seem to believe any of the bullshit until Aceveda walks through the door and convinces him of it. By doing so, both Aceveda and Kavanaugh discover that Lem really doesn’t know about Vic’s cop killing, and it looks as if Lem is even a little pissed at the prospect of not being kept in the loop. And while Kavanaugh continues to bear down on Lem with threats of a twenty-year prison sentence, Vic and Co. track down a psycho El Salvadorian (called Doomsday) with the hope that they can regain some respect on the streets. This is less important as a subplot than it is as a reason for the Strike Team to be busy while Kavanaugh convinces Lem to wear a wire. Lem finally agrees, if only to uncover what he believes to be the truth, but when he confronts Vic about the death of Terry (sans wire), he receives a concerned look that tells him all he wants to know. Lem finally learns the truth about Terry, but Kavanaugh still doesn’t, and unless the IAD agent can bring in another suspect (like, say, Antwon Mitchell), he probably won’t get much more cooperation from his little rat.

And while not much else took place this week, it would be impossible to come away from this without at least mentioning Tina going apeshit with her baton, as well as the obvious problems Claudette is experiencing. I failed to touch on this subject after the season premiere, but it looks as if that mysterious collection of pill bottles on Claudette’s bathroom counter is set to play a big part in the season five. We still don’t know exactly what she’s on, but leave it to super sleuth Dutch to investigate the situation.

The Shield, TV

Captain Kirk’s new enterprise: Calcified urine

January 17, 2006 /

William Shatner has just sold a kidney stone for $25,000. That is not a misprint. Shatner passed the stone–which was apparently large enough to mount in a setting and wear as a ring, if the lucky bidder should so desire–last fall, and recently offered it up for auction, in order to donate the proceeds to charity.

Online casino GoldenPalace.com, known for their collection of oddities including a partially eaten cheese sandwich said to resemble the Virgin Mary, placed the high bid and will now add the hardened urine crystal to its treasure trove. Proceeds from the sale were donated to Habitat for Humanity.

A few questions here. Well, really, dozens of questions, but let’s stick with just these three:

1. Who hangs on to a kidney stone they passed last fall?

2. Is GoldenPalace going to take appropriate sanitary precautions to keep Shatner’s kidney tidbit away from the Virgin Mary sandwich, the Lincoln French Fry, and any other food-related items in their collection?

3. Will Habitat for Humanity now secretly line Shatner’s bedroom with asbestos, in hopes of coaxing out some wicked profitable tumors?

Only time will tell.

Actors, News

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