Ah, reality TV has claimed another couple. Travis Stork and Sarah Stone have parted ways. Yes, shed a tear. Wait, who? Oh yeah, those two losers from “The Bachelor: Paris”. But wait, didn’t they just “win”? Yes they did, but after taping finished, they weren’t allowed to contact each other for four months. Oh isn’t fucking with peoples’ lives for fun and profit on TV just the best? All that for nothing. I’m only too happy I don’t watch these shows. I’d hate to think I put personal time into something like watching such dreck only to be ripped off in the end. TV is a hot lover. TV is a cold bitch. TV is somewhere to see Vic Tayback yell at Linda Lavin. The good old days.
Year: 2006 (Page 183 of 228)
Recognizing that jokes about incest are always a laugh riot, Donald Trump mentioned during a recent appearance on ABC’s “The View” that his 24-year-old daughter Ivanka has “a nice figure,” and that if she weren’t his daughter, he might be dating her right now.
Ivanka then apparently smiled and returned her father’s compliments by indicating that she might date him, too…if he weren’t a skeevy, incestuous old blowhard with a bad rug.
Last night was the final round of female performances on “American Idol” before getting down to the final 12 overall, and once again it was a night laced with mediocrity. The good thing is that it’s getting much more tolerable being an hour long instead of 2 hours or even 90 minutes. Here is the Vandalay recap:
THE GOOD
There was really only one great performance worthy of goose bumps and that was Nashville’s own Mandisa. After a hilarious video clip where she talked about sucking her thumb until she was 24 (24???) Mandisa reminded America why she has gotten this far and why she will possibly win it all when she sang “I’m Every Woman.” We have all been waiting for Mandisa to belt it out and pull away from the pack, and she clearly did that last night. Simon said it best: “You made everyone else look ordinary.”
THE IN-BETWEEN
Paris Bennett started things off last night, and while little Paris is a favorite in the Vandalay household, we agreed with Randy Jackson that she was just “ok” vocally last night, singing Gloria Estefan. But Paris is a compelling performer and that is going to count for something in the votes.
Lisa Tucker sang a Tiffany Taylor ballad. The coolest thing about this 16 year old was that they showed a clip of her saying Jimi Hendrix is an idol and that she is learning electric guitar….proceeding to play the lick from “Purple Haze.” This chick is now super cool in my book and probably will be to all the pimply faced boys that are now going to vote for her. She did a decent job singing last night but didn’t blow anyone away. However, Simon said that Lisa is “super talented” and will “sail through to the next round,” and I agree.
Katharine McPhee was rumoured to be pregnant after wearing that maternity looking top last week….see, it wasn’t just me. But she squashed those rumours and even wore tighter clothes to accentuate that fact. Katharine sang Aretha Franklin’s “Freedom” and did a pretty good job….vocally, Katharine is amazing. I’m just not sure she has the goods as a performer to take her into lofty territory.
Gigantic Ayla Brown sang a contemporary pop song by Natasha Bedingfield and took a risk in doing so because not everyone knows the song yet. She sounded pretty good but is going to lose points with that Paula Abdul looking hair flip she had going on. Still, Ayla brings it every week and will probably make it at least one more round.
Kellie Pickler did Melissa Etheridge’s “Only One” and countrified it a bit. Kellie is a dark horse in this competition because she may not have the best voice, but it’s damn good and she is cute has hell. She’s also got this silly country girl humor going on that makes her even cuter. Simon took things ten steps further by calling Kellie a “naughty little minx” and saying he liked her even better than Carrie Underwood. I agree wholeheartedly and I’m sure the folks on Music Row are salivating at the prospects of singing Kellie whether she wins “American Idol” or not.
THE BAD
Melissa McGhee sang Heart’s “What About Love” and did a pretty good job. But the problem, aside from her belly fat sticking out again, is that there is only room for six females in the finals. Melissa is just not at the same level as everyone else mentioned above. Oh, and Melissa, you might want to lay off the smokes.
Kinnik Sky talked about how her favorite food is chitlins, which is basically pig intestines…..ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. Way to lose votes, Kinnik. Then she really punched her ticket home by taking on Alicia Keys’ “If I Aint’ Got You.” Um, Alicia is practically in the category vocally of Stevie Wonder…..there is just a whole ‘nother level that mortal humans can’t compete with. Needless to say, Kinnik bombed badly and should be the first to leave on Thursday night.
Tonight we have the guys…..Mrs. Vandalay thinks lispy Kevin will survive one more week but I disagree…..or maybe he will blow everyone away tonight. Well folks, that’s why they play the games. See you tomorrow…..
Tonight’s episode of “The Shield” may not have been as exciting as most weeks, but it was definitely a lot bitchier than usual. First, daft rookie Tina botches yet another arrest, and just when it looks like she’s going to get the ax, candid photos of her changing in the locker room appear on Dutch’s desk. And Dutch, the chivalrous gentleman that he is, investigates the matter further, only to discover that it was Captain Billings who accidentally snapped some shots while trying to catch the Snack Box Bandits. With the prospect of getting booted, however, Tina agrees to drop the matter and instead gets a career boost with the help of Dutch; God help us. The second act of Bitchfest 2006 came later in the show, and couldn’t have been nastier if it was being broadcast on “Jerry Springer.” Corrine reamed into Danny about her fatherless child, calling Vic a cheater, Danny a whore, and the baby a bastard. Sheesh, is it that time of the month already?
Meanwhile, Lem is stuck in jail because Kavanaugh has frozen all of the Strike Team’s assets, and after throwing a curveball that included bringing Terry’s brother to the scene of his death, Vic and Kavanaugh butt heads over his behind-closed-doors deal with Antoine Mitchell to land Lem in the same prison cell. In a desperate attempt to pay bail and get Lem the hell out of there, Vic makes a deal with a drug dealer looking to get some stolen money back, and after they’ve secured the cash, the Strike Team calls on reliable Smitty (I think this guy guest stars at least once a year) to post bail. And since Smitty has a booming surveillance business, the 100k posted won’t look suspicious.
Before Lem is set free, however, Aceveda visits Kavanaugh about launching his own investigation into the IAD agent’s shoddy work, but after being convinced of the evidence that Kavanaugh has squandered together, the councilman agrees to help. This is where things get complicated. Vic goes to visit Aceveda only a few hours later, and after threatening him with the possibility of dragging his name through the trial, Aceveda agrees to help Vic get rid of Kavanaugh. Now, is Aceveda just playing Vic to aid in Kavanaugh’s investigation, or is Aceveda really on the Strike Team’s side? Let’s hope for the latter, because I’d hate to see what Vic would do to him when he finds out he’s working both sides.
And on a quick side note, Claudette returned to the Barn “early” this week to join Dutch on whatever bullshit case he was working. She’s got a cane to help her move around now, what with getting banged up on her stumble down the stairwell a few weeks back, but I seriously doubt her battle with lupus is far from over.
Poor Tom Cruise. First, he starts off the week by losing probably the only award for which he was nominated this year, the Worst Actor Razzie, to the Copy Room Guy, of all people. Now, he’s getting flak for backing out of a commitment to appear on the cover of Wenner Media title Men’s Journal, simply because Wenner Media title Rolling Stone refused to kill its story denigrating Scientology, the cult religion of which Cruise is such an outspoken, dues-paying, devout , freakishly obsessed member.
They say bad luck comes in threes…so what’s next for our embattled bully hero? Will he start losing his luxuriously shiny hair? Will Oprah finally put the smackdown on him for bouncing on her couch? Will it be revealed that Katie Holmes does not, in fact, think that life in the Cruise compound is all that “amazing” after all?
Only time will tell.
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