Year: 2006 (Page 178 of 228)

American Idol: Sugar, you’re going down

(The role of Art Vandalay will be played by Mike Wazowski, since that miserable Vandalay bastard is having fun at South by Southwest. Fucker just called me to tell me that he shared an elevator with Wayne Coyne of Flaming Lips. Die, Vandalay, die. What? We’re rolling? Shit…)

Art Vandalay is a prophet. His prediction yesterday:

“Melissa McGhee, meanwhile, is the odd one out and will be eliminated this week. Stay tuned America….”

And just like that, she’s gone. The rest of the bottom three was filled out by Ace – whose brother, in attendance, sports a ‘do that more closely resembles Scott Stapp’s than Ace’s – and Lisa, both of whom were greeted by a reign of boos from the audience. (That sounds bad, but it’s actually a good thing, since it means that the audience vehemently disagreed with the voting). It was clear that Lisa was not going to be the one to go, but then again, several talented singers (LaToya London) have been unceremoniously dismissed in the past, so this wouldn’t be the first time the public got it wrong…though, in effect, they did get it wrong, since Kevin Michael Hall should have been the one to go. A 16-year-old virgin is singing about a part time lover? Are you kidding me?

The worst part of the show, honestly, was having to sit through some god-awful new song from performer-of-the-week Stevie Wonder, while the AI hopefuls swayed and clapped along behind him. Stevie’s lucky he has about 30 years of good will going for him, because if he had performed that song as a contestant on “Rock Star: INXS,” like Mig did with that sappy-ass ballad of his, Little Stevie would have gotten the boot.

Wazowski, out.

It’s the movies, stupid

In yet another example of movie executives just plain missing the point, the film industry has come out with two new ideas designed to halt the decline in moviegoing. According to MPAA chief Dan Glickman, all that’s needed to put those missing butts back in cinema seats is a good old-fashioned ad campaign promoting the general idea of moviegoing (as opposed to touting specific films). Oh, that, and the ability to prevent moviegoers’ cell phones from receiving a signal while inside the theater.

That’s right, folks: the movies themselves don’t need any fixing. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo was an outstanding piece of filmmaking with widespread appeal; the only reason it didn’t score higher at the box office was because the general public was simply worried about being bothered by cell phone users at the cinema, or needed to be reminded that moviegoing is a generally enjoyable activity.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I hate those drooling inbred halfwits who yap on their phones during movies, and I support any steps taken to curb their inappropriate behavior. I have been known to hurl both expletives and popcorn in their direction, and I would be pleased as punch if the FCC actually grants the theater owners’ wishes to jam cell signals while on theater property. It won’t happen, but it’s a lovely dream.

But if the MPAA actually thinks that a cell-signal jam and a happy-go-lucky ad campaign reminding America how much fun it is to go out to the movies is going to solve the problem, they’re in for a nasty surprise. It was bad enough that they wasted precious Oscar telecast time scolding us for viewing movies on DVD and honoring “movies that should only be viewed on the big screen;” now they plan to waste huge gobs of money on an ill-fated ad campaign, as well. Imagine the results they might get if they instead devoted that time, energy and money into making movies that people actually have an interest in seeing.

Of course, that one’s even more of a long shot than getting the cell-signal jam approved…but Hollywood’s all about making dreams come true, right?

Michael Douglas opens his mouth after silence

Michael Douglas is back and his putting the smack down on fellow actors and actresses! Namely Brad Pitt (“”I don’t know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina”) and Renee Zellweger (” I mean, don’t ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger. I don’t know how you get married for four months”). Psst, Michael…it’s really only a matter of you getting saggier and baggier before Catherine tires of you or winds up in some affair with a much younger dude. I know what you’re doing though. You’ve already figured this out and are jealous that you’ve missed out on Angelina and Renee. It’s OK to vent, man. Just remember your number will soon be up as well. It probably already is.

American Idol: The Stakes Get Higher

Last night’s “American Idol” show featured a bigger stage, bigger backing band, more lights and more fanfare. Judge Paula Abdul said this season was the most talked about on the streets, and for good reason–the talent is better than it’s ever been. Or at least there is no clear-cut favorite to win it all.

This time it was Stevie Wonder Week for all the contestants. Not only did they have to choose a song by the living legend, they got to hang with him and have him coach them on their vocals. Some of the contestants were overwhelmed with emotion as they worked with Mr. Wonder, and who woudn’t be?

But then we had the performances. Last night there were quite a few mediocre showings and a few clunkers. Here’s the Vandalay recap:

THE GOOD

Katharine McPhee sang “Till You Come Back To Me,” a song Stevie wrote that was made famous by Aretha Franklin. And though Katharine wore a dress that once again made her look pregnant, she brought it vocally. Simon even compared her at this stage of the competition to Kelly Clarkson.

Taylor Hicks did a great job with “Livin For the City,” a perfect track for the gray haired wonder, and Paula said it best: “You had everyone smiling.”

Paris Bennett sang “All I Do” and was strong as usual. The judges made note of Paris’ confidence and the fact that, at 17 years old, comes off like a seasoned veteran.

Chris Daughtry did well with his song choice too, taking on “Higher Ground,” and effectively combining the Stevie version with the Red Hot Chili Peppers version and sounding great in the process. Simon even said Chris could have a hit single with that song right now.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Ace Young redeemed himself this week after that incredibly limp-wristed Michael Jackson song a week ago. He sang “Do I Do” and while his Scott Stapp hairstyle is still annoying, the dude sounded a lot better this time and seemed to pick the right song. Randy and Simon said it was mediocre overall, and I agree.

Elliott Yamin sang “Knocks Me Off My Feet” and even Stevie Wonder said he’s got a great, natural voice. Talk about an endorsement. Elliott did a decent job but just didn’t wow anyone, and that probably included most of America.

Mandisa took on “Don’t You Worry” and it was one of her worst performances yet, though still pretty good by everyone else’s standards.

Bucky sang “Superstitious” and it wasn’t bad overall. He had some balls to his voice though at times had a little too much of that Creed-esque “pickle in mouth” vocal thing going on. Simon said Bucky’s hairstyle reminded him of Jessica Simpson–hey, that’s better than looking like Scott Stapp, isnt’ it?

Lisa Tucker was very good as usual but not quite on par with the four great performances of last night. Lisa sang “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and if anything, she did a good job of commanding the audience’s attention.

THE BAD

Kellie Pickler, what happened to you? Well, Kellie was a bit out of her element. First of all, she had to wear a nice dress instead of jeans, and secondly, she is a country girl and wasn’t used to singing anything with soul. Kellie sang “Blame It On The Sun” and was pretty much all over the place. Randy said it was like a “non-event” and Simon, who we all know digs this chick, said it was boring. But somehow Kellie’s good looks and quick-witted charm are going to take her a few more rounds.

Melissa McGhee sang “Lately” and messed up the lyrics both in her session with Stevie Wonder and on the stage last night. Simon said it was her best performance yet and Paula said her voice is soothing (soothing? like a carton of smokes maybe). Anyway, Melissa wasn’t awful but still not good enough for mediocre in my book.

Then there is Kevin Covais, who proclaimed himself a sex symbol before performing. Well, maybe to little girls like the ones that came up and hugged him. Anyway, Kevin showed why he soon will be homeward bound by doing “Part Time Lover.” Somehow this kid makes you want to root for him, but he’s just not in the same class as most of remaining contestants. He does get points for snapping back at Simon though:

Simon: “That was appalling.”

Kevin: “That’s okay, I wasn’t expecting much from you.”

Freaking hilarious. If anything, Kevin and Kellie could probably host their own comedy show after they get booted off.

So here’s the deal…I have to pick one contestant for elimination……I think it should be Kevin, though I don’t believe it will be. In fact, both Kevin and Kellie have too much of the cute factor going on. Melissa McGhee, meanwhile, is the odd one out and will be eliminated this week. Stay tuned America….

The Barn: Spreading herpes faster than a swingers party since 1973

In what had to have been the most pivotal, jam-packed episode of the season, Vic also managed to get laid not once, but twice, by two different women in about as many days. The first was Hot Lawyer Chick, whose obvious sexual attraction yielded in some much-needed action for a bald friend, while the surprise bang was with none other than Kavanaugh’s ex-wife. And I don’t care how wrong that might have been, because any day you get to see the beautiful Gina Torres’ naked ass is a good day. And speaking of sex, everyone’s favorite gloryhole assailant is back with a whole new line of dangerous mouse traps including ones with serrated edges. Ouch is right. Claudette and Dutch are given the pleasure of investigating the matter further, while Billings drags Julien into the mess as well. And now that Tina is out of his life, Julien’s past dabbling with homosexuality is sure to come back and haunt him by the series’ end. Why else would he go apeshit on the gloryhole suspect when he had him all alone in the investigation room?

Meanwhile, Lem has just about had enough of playing cat and mouse with Kavanaugh (i.e. throwing up blood), and in an attempt to close the investigation, makes a deal with the Chief of Police to plead guilty to the theft of the block of heroin. With it comes a five-year jail sentence, or 18-months with good behavior, but the rest of the Strike Team aren’t as confident with his decision, and so Vic visits Antoine Mitchell to talk with him about Lem’s “comfort of living” should he land in prison. The deal includes Vic and the other guys helping out Antoine’s One-Niner lackeys with a heist at the police warehouse, but when the job goes south, Antoine withdraws his offer. And since the chances of Lem staying alive for more than a few weeks is slim, Vic convinces him to go on the run until they can smooth out all of the details. Like the good boy that he is, Lem listens, but it’s probably only going to spell even more trouble for him in the long run. He would have been better off sticking with his first deal, but lobbying for incarceration in another state. I don’t know if that’s even possible, but it would have been worth a shot.

And in a very surprising turn of events, Claudette’s sitdown with the Assistant Chief about her undisclosed lupus went from a lecture about getting work approval from the city’s doctors to getting offered the captain’s spot once again. This time, however, Claudette actually takes the position (only because there’s a new Chief of Police) and Kavanaugh gets booted out of the Barn. Somehow, he ends up on Vic’s ex-wife’s steps. Is this revenge, or is his attraction the real thing? Also, we already know that Corrine’s an ugly bitch, but would she really fall for a guy like Kavanaugh? I think not, but then again, it would make for some pretty interesting television.

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