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No, seriously, what the hell DO you make of this…?
In the latest example of studio penny-pinching, exterior scenes for the latest “Spiderman” sequel, which is set in New York as usual, will be shot in the thriving metropolis of…Cleveland, Ohio. Digital imagery will be used to Biggie-Size downtown Cleveland’s somewhat-smaller-than-Manhattan-style skyscrapers in order to fool everyone who has been to neither New York nor Cleveland into believing that Spidey and the gang are still shaking things up in the Big Apple.
No word yet on whether villains Venom (Topher Grace) and Sandman (Thomas Haden Church) will put on an evil death metal concert spectacular at the “New York” Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for the film’s big finale.
The answer? Four, plus one relative newcomer (Chiwetel Ejiofer) climbing his way up the Hollywood ladder. I’m referring, of course, to the release of Spike Lee’s newest film, “Inside Man,” which opens this Friday. This has got to be the first good studio film of the year (though I’ve yet to see “V for Vendetta“), despite my decade-long hatred for director Lee. It seems, however, that he’s changing his ways, and if we’re all lucky, the moviegoing public may never have to experience another one of his urban dramas again.
Also in theaters this weekend: the teen horror flick “Stay Alive” and the Larry the Cable Guy movie “Health Inspector,” a film that promises to be so awful you’ll be screaming Git ‘R Money Back at the top of your lungs.
“The Thief Lord”
There’s nothing particularly wrong with this film, except that it’s a copycat of just about every popular children’s story of the past fifty years. The publicity for the film bills it as a story to rival the “Harry Potter” series, but it’s more like “Robin Hood” meets “Peter Pan” than anything else. Based on the children’s book of the same name, “The Thief Lord” is a decent addition to any youngster’s movie collection, but it’s a giant waste of time for anybody else. And that’s something that can’t be said of “Harry Potter.”
“Irish Jam”
If Rob Schneider is the least talented white guy in Hollywood, then Eddie Griffin is the least talented brother. A fitting comparison considering that both “actors” appeared in last summer’s “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” a film so bad that it landed the top spot on many critics’ Worst of 2005 lists. If possible, “Irish Jam” is even worse, dropping the annoying Griffin in the middle of a small Irish town when he wins a poetry contest with a pub as the grand prize. Hell, even the DVD case is made of low-quality plastic, a surefire sign of genuine direct-to-DVD garbage.
“The Butterfly Ball”
We all know that the 70s was a strange era (even those that weren’t alive for it), but there’s simply no excuse for the DVD release of this 1975 live production of the illustrated series of poems entitled “The Butterfly Ball and Grasshopper’s Feast.” Narrated by an aged Vincent Price and featuring Twiggy on vocals, “The Butterfly Ball” is a horrendous production that includes stupid costumes, interpretive dance and a shitty video transfer to top it all off.
“The Jolly Boys’ Last Stand”
There’s really no better way to describe this film other than as a British “Jackass,” despite the fact that there’s actually very little stunting involved. Shot as a faux-documentary about a frat-like group of grown men known as the Jolly Boys, the story revolves around the upcoming marriage of the their leader, Spider (Andy Serkis), and his gradual separation from the remaining members. The film is composed of stupid situations that the cast members find funny, but anyone else watching won’t, and has most likely been made available on DVD in an atempt to exploit the more recent success of its stars, Andy Serkis and Sacha Baron Cohen.
A night on the Great White Way just isn’t complete without Bruce Lee sending a flying kick into some poor schmuck’s mouth while “China Girl” plays in the background. Fortunately, that oversight is about to be addressed, with the upcoming release of a musical based on the life of Bruce Lee, featuring music by David Bowie.
And, as if that weren’t enough to send legions of martial-arts-musical fans slobbering off to Hot Tix, the Brothers Weinstein are planning their own kung fu spectacle, a musical version of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Is Broadway big enough for two feuding bands of martial arts warriors? Only time will tell, but when it comes to brawling, the smart money is always on the (ex-) Miramax Mafia.
Should both of these epics prove successful, expect a host of copycat kung fu musicals to follow. Rumor has it that Marc Shaiman (“Hairspray,” “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”) is already fleshing out tunes with Quentin Tarantino for “Kill Bill: The Musical,” and Ralph Macchio has indicated his availability to star in “Singin’ in the Dojo: A Karate Kid on Broadway.”
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