Month: March 2006 (Page 6 of 23)

How many A-listers does it take to make a good movie?

The answer? Four, plus one relative newcomer (Chiwetel Ejiofer) climbing his way up the Hollywood ladder. I’m referring, of course, to the release of Spike Lee’s newest film, “Inside Man,” which opens this Friday. This has got to be the first good studio film of the year (though I’ve yet to see “V for Vendetta“), despite my decade-long hatred for director Lee. It seems, however, that he’s changing his ways, and if we’re all lucky, the moviegoing public may never have to experience another one of his urban dramas again.

Also in theaters this weekend: the teen horror flick “Stay Alive” and the Larry the Cable Guy movie “Health Inspector,” a film that promises to be so awful you’ll be screaming Git ‘R Money Back at the top of your lungs.

Rapid Fire Rejects, Volume III

The Thief Lord
There’s nothing particularly wrong with this film, except that it’s a copycat of just about every popular children’s story of the past fifty years. The publicity for the film bills it as a story to rival the “Harry Potter” series, but it’s more like “Robin Hood” meets “Peter Pan” than anything else. Based on the children’s book of the same name, “The Thief Lord” is a decent addition to any youngster’s movie collection, but it’s a giant waste of time for anybody else. And that’s something that can’t be said of “Harry Potter.”

Irish Jam
If Rob Schneider is the least talented white guy in Hollywood, then Eddie Griffin is the least talented brother. A fitting comparison considering that both “actors” appeared in last summer’s “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” a film so bad that it landed the top spot on many critics’ Worst of 2005 lists. If possible, “Irish Jam” is even worse, dropping the annoying Griffin in the middle of a small Irish town when he wins a poetry contest with a pub as the grand prize. Hell, even the DVD case is made of low-quality plastic, a surefire sign of genuine direct-to-DVD garbage.

The Butterfly Ball
We all know that the 70s was a strange era (even those that weren’t alive for it), but there’s simply no excuse for the DVD release of this 1975 live production of the illustrated series of poems entitled “The Butterfly Ball and Grasshopper’s Feast.” Narrated by an aged Vincent Price and featuring Twiggy on vocals, “The Butterfly Ball” is a horrendous production that includes stupid costumes, interpretive dance and a shitty video transfer to top it all off.

The Jolly Boys’ Last Stand
There’s really no better way to describe this film other than as a British “Jackass,” despite the fact that there’s actually very little stunting involved. Shot as a faux-documentary about a frat-like group of grown men known as the Jolly Boys, the story revolves around the upcoming marriage of the their leader, Spider (Andy Serkis), and his gradual separation from the remaining members. The film is composed of stupid situations that the cast members find funny, but anyone else watching won’t, and has most likely been made available on DVD in an atempt to exploit the more recent success of its stars, Andy Serkis and Sacha Baron Cohen.

Everybody was kung fu fighting…on Broadway

A night on the Great White Way just isn’t complete without Bruce Lee sending a flying kick into some poor schmuck’s mouth while “China Girl” plays in the background. Fortunately, that oversight is about to be addressed, with the upcoming release of a musical based on the life of Bruce Lee, featuring music by David Bowie.

And, as if that weren’t enough to send legions of martial-arts-musical fans slobbering off to Hot Tix, the Brothers Weinstein are planning their own kung fu spectacle, a musical version of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Is Broadway big enough for two feuding bands of martial arts warriors? Only time will tell, but when it comes to brawling, the smart money is always on the (ex-) Miramax Mafia.

Should both of these epics prove successful, expect a host of copycat kung fu musicals to follow. Rumor has it that Marc Shaiman (“Hairspray,” “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut”) is already fleshing out tunes with Quentin Tarantino for “Kill Bill: The Musical,” and Ralph Macchio has indicated his availability to star in “Singin’ in the Dojo: A Karate Kid on Broadway.”

“Snakes on a Plane” update: They’re upgrading it to an ‘R.’ Yes.

It looks as though we at Premium Hollywood are not the only ones breathlessly awaiting the arrival of New Line’s “Snakes on a Plane.” The entire web, apparently, is abuzz over the movie, and the recent chatter, along with one fan’s self-made trailer for the movie, has convinced the film’s producers to do some more reshoots that will bump the movie up from what was already a borderline PG-13 rating to a bona fide R rating. More death, more nudity, and Samuel L. Jackson saying, “I want these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!” Does it get any better than that?

Forget “X-Men.” Forget “Superman.” The only movie coming out this summer that I give a damn about is “Snakes on a Plane.” It’s even become a Zen philosophy, like ‘shit happens.’

“Excuse me, Mr. Wazowski, your mortgage check bounced.”
“Hey, man, snakes on a plane.”

(To see the official trailer for “Snakes on a Plane,” click here. For up to the minute news, go to www.snakesonablog.com.)

American Idol: Adios, Kevin

Not one week after my pal Mike glossed Kevin Covais “Kevin Michael Hall” he is gone to obscurity along with the likes of Long Duck Dong.

Yes, folks, lispy Kevin was voted off American Idol last night. Forget the fact that Bucky Covington, who was the runner-up for elimination, was much worse on Tuesday night. The fact is Kevin’s days were numbered, because he’s simply not the singer some of the remaining contestants are.

Last night’s Ford commercial featuring all of the remaining contestants was a video of them singing the Go-Go’s “We Got the Beat.” Processed cheese at its finest, that’s all I have to say.

Then they had to fill the 30 minutes, so they let Barry Manilow come and sing one of the songs from his new fifties album. The fact that I don’t remember his performance means one of two things….I am getting old, or it was not memorable. I’m going with the latter. But the best part was when all of the contestants rushed the stage at the end, including the recently voted off Big Gay Mexican Priest…..that dude looked like he was going to either start humping Barry Manilow or eat him.

So here are the updated Vandalay Power Rankings:

1. Mandisa
2. Chris Daughtry
3. Paris Bennett
4. Katharine McPhee
5. Taylor Hicks
6. Kellie Pickler
7. Lisa Tucker
8. Elliott Yamin
9. Ace Young
10. Bucky Covington

This is getting interesting folks……but now we get to see how the world of Kevin Michael Hall changes when he returns to Long Island. Bucky and Ace, your plane tickets are in the mail too.

Vandalay, OUT.

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