Month: March 2006 (Page 23 of 23)

Shakespeare in Cuba

Former “Shakespeare in Love” star Joseph Fiennes has put a new spin on the celebrities-shilling-products-abroad trend by bringing this brand of capitalism to a Communist country.

Traveling to Havana to launch the Romeo and Juliet brand “Short Churchill” cigar, Fiennes was quoted as saying he “gained a newfound respect for the kind of level of attention, detail, complexity and energy that goes into making a cigar.”

Soon, we expect that he will also gain a newfound respect for a few other things. The level of attention and detail necessary to hide the (illegal) Cuban cigars he undoubtedly absconded with from the U.S. government, for example. Also, the complexity of explaining what “romantic, star-crossed teen lovers” have to do with “smelly, obnoxious wads of cancer-causing foliage.”

And, perhaps later on, the energy involved in speaking through an electrolarynx, tracking his white blood cell count, and getting his affairs in order.

Doherty arrested again

Dammit, if USA Today is going to run headlines like the one above, they owe us all a good juicy story about Shannen Doherty getting into a drunken catfight with Paris Hilton over some greasy Eurotrash shipping heir, or possibly shoplifting seven cases of Evian from Costco in order to wash her hair in it, or running over a small child and then suing him for dinging up her Bentley with his skull.

Instead, the article is about some loser guy named Pete, from some obscure band, whose only real claim to fame is that he once dated raging coke fiend Kate Moss.

Pfffff. Whatever. We want our Shannen Doherty catfight coverage, and we want it now.

American Idol: The Girls Round 2

Last night the 10 remaining female contestants on “American Idol” got to show their stuff again.

Unfortunately, the performances were pretty mediocre across the board. It seemed every chick either picked the wrong song or picked a song with no energy or emotion. The ones who were great last week were still pretty good, but pretty good is not going to win this thing.

Of course, the one good thing about last night was that no one really sucked bad enough to be a clear-cut favorite for elimination. But lucky for you I’m going to give you my picks anyway.

The show started with more judge banter…Paula and Simon admitting that they both annoy each other….really, do any of us care?

Here is the Art Vandalay breakdown:

THE GOOD

Again, it was hard to choose the best performances from a slew of mediocre ones, but two singers are clearly the most talented here: Mandisa and Paris Bennett.

Mandisa sang Faith Hill’s “Cry” and while it wasn’t the best song choice for her, Simon said it best: “When you are ‘on,’ there is no better female singer in this competition.”

Paris sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” and the judges accurately said that it was not convincing when a 17 year old sings an old lady song. This kid can also wail, but she played it a bit too safe last night.

THE IN-BETWEEN

It was a whole night of in-between, but here are the most mediocre of the mediocre:

Cutie Katharine McPhee started off the show with a Stevie Wonder ballad, a curious choice because it was both safe and slow enough to expose her difficulty staying in tune for the whole song. You can tell she’s got great pipes, but she just didn’t use them last night. And is it just me, or is this girl pregnant? Either that or she shops at the maternity store.

Kinnik Sky sang Gretchen Wilson’s “Here For the Party” and it almost seemed like she was shouting, not singing. Like Simon said, it was like a theme park performance.

Lisa Tucker sang an old Jackson 5 song and, while I think she’s one of the top females, she didn’t quite deliver last night like she’s capable.

Melissa McGhee made reference to that fact that she’s a “Florida girl” and always wears flip-flops, even on Hollywood red carpets….blah blah blah. She sang a Reba song that Randy said was “hot” and Paula, of course, agreed like she always does. Simon said Melissa did not connect with the audience and I agreed. Plus her belly was sticking out a bit too much for my liking.

Ayla, the basketball playing giant, sang a Celine Dion song. Mrs. Vandalay said she was wearing a “Betty Rubble” dress, the way it was cut on the bottom. Pretty funny stuff. Anyway, Ayla definitely exceeded expectations and the judges made it clear that she was one of the hardest workers and that might take her far in this competition.

Kellie Pickler sang Bonnie Raitt and did pretty well…..considering she was awful last week, Kellie definitely rebounded. And she’s got that cutesy, all-American look that might carry her a few more rounds.

THE BAD

It’s worth noting that after Melissa McGhee sang, I made note of the fact that Paula should switch seats with Randy, because all she ever does is parrot what he says and add more of her fluff. Miraculously, Paula heard me and did just that.

So then came Heather Cox, who sang Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” Paula accurately noted that Mariah Carey’s got big shoes to fill, and that you’re taking a risk when performing one of her songs in a competition like this. She wasn’t as bad as she was last week, but bad enough to get booted off. Mrs. Vandalay also pointed out that Heather’s got nice fake knockers….her job at the Foxy Unicorn should still be available to her.

Brenna Brenna Brenna. Your schtick gets more annoying every week. Brenna sang Donna Summer’s “Last Dance,” another incredibly brave choice of song. Brenna, you have danced your last dance on this show. You thought you were good, but trust me, America will not agree. Now just go away. And while you’re at it, please take Ryan Seacrest with you.

Tonight, it’s the guys…..will lispy Kevin sack up and sing something with more balls? Will Elliot finally morph into Abe Lincoln? Will Gedeon’s smile make Simon run? Will Fred Savage kick David The Crooner’s ass? Tune in and check back with us tomorrow for the recap.

And you thought his ex was crazy…

The price of discovering more about Kavanaugh’s past was a hefty one: Lem has officially been arrested, but not before the Big K made a royal ass out of himself in front of everyone at The Barn. Didn’t we just see this happen, like, yesterday, when CTU agent Samwise Gamgee was relieved of duty for going apeshit on “24”? I can’t decide if this behavior makes Kavanaugh look less credible or just more menacing, but one thing’s for sure: he means business. This includes running to prison lifer Antoine Mitchell for help with the investigation, but Antoine won’t dish out the dirt until Kavanaugh agrees to send the Strike Team to the same prison cell. And to think that just moments before all of this went down, Lem saved Kavanaugh from getting blown up into tiny little bits by a grenade.

The events leading up to Kavanaugh’s public breakdown weren’t all that exciting, including some bullshit case that sent the Strike Team running around town looking for some crazy El Salvadorians throwing live grenades into former drug hideouts. And with Claudette out of commission (was there even any mention of her throughout the entire episode?), Dutch teams up with Kavanaugh on a rape call involving his ex-wife Sadie (played by Amazon beauty Gina Torres), who, for the record, seems a little too shaken up from the incident. What isn’t already implied, however, is made quite clear only a few moments later when Dutch uncovers Sadie’s former history of mental illness. Um… duh! It was pretty obvious that she was a bit whacko, but did anyone really think that she was crazy enough to stick a soda bottle up her hoo-hoo (a “Scrubs” term, not mine)? Yeah, well, me either.

All in all a pretty disappointing episode, especially since it appears that the writers have given up on developing the show’s many other subplots for the time being. Remember when Danny and Julien were considered major characters? And what happened to Aceveda’s role in all of this? Is he still even a suspect in Kavanaugh’s case, and if so, when will Vic call a truce with the shady bastard? Hopefully, these questions will be answered over the next few weeks, and not left to mull over while the show is on hiatus until the mysterious mini season set to air in the fall.

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