Month: January 2006 (Page 9 of 22)

Squeeze a lemon, you get lemonade. Squeeze Lem, and you’ve got some problems.

For fans of the show who always thought that Kenneth Johnson (Lem) didn’t play a big enough part can rest easy. It looks like we’ll be seeing a lot of him over the next few weeks, especially considering he’s the guy that behind the wheel of the Strike Team’s destiny. His loyalty is a bit shaky, especially considering his ulcer-causing conscience, but no matter what happens, he’ll pull through for the team by the end of the season; even if it means killing Kavanaugh himself. The unbalanced IAD agent doesn’t seem to have much effect on Lem, but his head will be on chopping block as soon as Vic discovers that he’s sweet-talking his way to the truth via Vic’s ex Corrine.

In fact, Lem doesn’t seem to believe any of the bullshit until Aceveda walks through the door and convinces him of it. By doing so, both Aceveda and Kavanaugh discover that Lem really doesn’t know about Vic’s cop killing, and it looks as if Lem is even a little pissed at the prospect of not being kept in the loop. And while Kavanaugh continues to bear down on Lem with threats of a twenty-year prison sentence, Vic and Co. track down a psycho El Salvadorian (called Doomsday) with the hope that they can regain some respect on the streets. This is less important as a subplot than it is as a reason for the Strike Team to be busy while Kavanaugh convinces Lem to wear a wire. Lem finally agrees, if only to uncover what he believes to be the truth, but when he confronts Vic about the death of Terry (sans wire), he receives a concerned look that tells him all he wants to know. Lem finally learns the truth about Terry, but Kavanaugh still doesn’t, and unless the IAD agent can bring in another suspect (like, say, Antwon Mitchell), he probably won’t get much more cooperation from his little rat.

And while not much else took place this week, it would be impossible to come away from this without at least mentioning Tina going apeshit with her baton, as well as the obvious problems Claudette is experiencing. I failed to touch on this subject after the season premiere, but it looks as if that mysterious collection of pill bottles on Claudette’s bathroom counter is set to play a big part in the season five. We still don’t know exactly what she’s on, but leave it to super sleuth Dutch to investigate the situation.

Captain Kirk’s new enterprise: Calcified urine

William Shatner has just sold a kidney stone for $25,000. That is not a misprint. Shatner passed the stone–which was apparently large enough to mount in a setting and wear as a ring, if the lucky bidder should so desire–last fall, and recently offered it up for auction, in order to donate the proceeds to charity.

Online casino GoldenPalace.com, known for their collection of oddities including a partially eaten cheese sandwich said to resemble the Virgin Mary, placed the high bid and will now add the hardened urine crystal to its treasure trove. Proceeds from the sale were donated to Habitat for Humanity.

A few questions here. Well, really, dozens of questions, but let’s stick with just these three:

1. Who hangs on to a kidney stone they passed last fall?

2. Is GoldenPalace going to take appropriate sanitary precautions to keep Shatner’s kidney tidbit away from the Virgin Mary sandwich, the Lincoln French Fry, and any other food-related items in their collection?

3. Will Habitat for Humanity now secretly line Shatner’s bedroom with asbestos, in hopes of coaxing out some wicked profitable tumors?

Only time will tell.

Now we’re getting somewhere

Could it be? After straying woefully from the path of righteousness, could the quality-impaired writers of “Desperate Housewives” actually be veering close to getting back on track?

Maybe. Sunday’s episode suggests they may be on to something. Don’t hold your breath just yet…but there might actually be some life left in the old dames.

Not that the episode was stellar; far from it, actually. A Jaded Cliffs Notes summary of the plot would read as follows:

Gabrielle and Carlos storyline: Stupid and boring, as usual
Susan storyline: Stupid as usual, but less boring than Gabby and Carlos
Bree storyline: Less stupid than Gabby or Susan, but significantly more boring
Edie storyline: What Edie storyline?
Applewhite storyline: Not particularly boring, but exceedingly stupid
Lynette storyline: Somewhat stupid at first, but not at all boring–and dripping with future potential
Felicia storyline: Felicia’s back?! Where have you been, Bebe, my delightfully devilish vixen?

The last five minutes of the episode redeemed the earlier fifty-five, with the knockout one-two punch of Tom’s refusal to let Lynette literally emasculate him, and Bebe’s unexpected presence as the new nurse for dearly departed Deirdre’s ailing father, administering Lord knows what to the man indirectly responsible for the murder of her sister Martha.

Tom’s unhappy in his marriage. He should be: Lynette’s behavior has been abominable all season. She’s been out dancing in bars while Tom’s home with the kids, and she even faked a kidnapping of her own children to point out Tom’s shortcomings as a caretaker. He’s had enough, and neither Tom nor Lynette knows what to do about it. At last, some real drama on Wisteria Lane, with not a contrivance in sight. Should be fun to watch.

And that Bebe…you’ve just got to keep an eye on her. She won’t let you do anything else. Even if she did, I wouldn’t advise it.

DVD shuffle: 01/17/06

Out on DVD this week:

1) Lord of War – RENT: An entertaining-at-times satire on the how-to of gunrunning, this film is certainly worth checking out. I haven’t had a chance to preview the two-disc special edition release of the movie, but by the looks of it, this is one special edition to stay away from.

2) Two for the Money – RENT: Another entertaining movie that just isn’t good enough to recommend for a purchase. Both Pacino and McConaughey are great, but there’s hardly any bonus features worth watching more than once.

3) The Man – PASS: The sheer fact that this film was #2 on my Worst Films of 2005 is more than enough reason to stay away from this piece of garbage.

4) Underclassman – PASS: Almost as bad as “The Man,” this teen comedy was one giant cliche. Oh, and Nick Cannon isn’t funny. He never was, and he never will be.

Also out on DVD this week is the teen horror flick “Venom” and the corporate documentary “Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room,” as well as season releases of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” and “Lois & Clark.”

Box Office Roundup: Shit floats

Based on Monday’s estimates:

1) Hoodwinked: $16.6 million (first weekend)
“Little Red Riding Shrek” lost us at the snowboarding grandmother.
2) Glory Road: $16.5 million (first weekend)
The same way that some grandmother walked into “The Aristocrats” expecting to see a bunch of animated cats, someone surely walked into this movie expecting an altogether different kind of “glory” movie.
3) Last Holiday: $15.7 million (first weekend)
Hey, if you’re going to torpedo any and all momentum your career received after making a star turn in an Oscar-winning movie, you may as well do it while hanging out with LL Cool J. Beats the hell out of doing another movie with Jimmy Fallon.
4) The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: $12.2 million ($263 million, sixth weekend)
Also known as “The Chronicles of Jehovah: The Movie That Wouldn’t Leave.”
5) Hostel: $11.6 million ($36.8 million, second weekend)
They’re getting a little heavy handed with this whole sex-is-death metaphor, aren’t they?

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