Month: January 2006 (Page 6 of 22)

In the latest example of absentee parenting run amok, advocacy groups are suing Viacom’s Nickelodeon and the Kellogg cereal company for contributing to childhood obesity.

That’s right: It’s not the parents’ fault their kids are fat, and it’s not the fault of the kids themselves; the blame must rest with the companies who market all the food the youngsters shovel into their gaping maws.

Spongebob Squarepants allows his image to be plastered upon bags of fat-filled potato chips? Damn that soulless bastard to hell. Tony the Tiger tells my kids his flakes of corn-filled sugar are “grrrrreat”? Skin that vile feline and use his pelt as a throw rug. Someone has to think of the children.

Of course, there’s another solution to the childhood obesity problem, and one that’s both simpler and more cost-effective than slapping lawsuits on every product that contains an ounce of fat or sugar: Turn off the TV. Buy healthy snacks instead of junk food. Say ‘no’ to your kids once in a while. And send them outside to play.

But of course, that’s crazy talk. Hollywood’s animated icons are fattening up our children for the slaughter, and these insidious characters must be stopped at all costs. The future of our nation depends on it.