Month: January 2006 (Page 11 of 22)

Out like a lamb, in like a lion

Warning: Spoilers ahead!!!! For God’s sake, stop reading right this second if you don’t want to know that two regular characters were killed in the first 10 minutes!!!!

Last year I groused about the finale of “24,” upset that they had an opportunity to make shocking television, but passed on it. My proposal: President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk Logan looks for a scapegoat after the missile landed and took out a major metropolitan area (I chose Miami, for no reason in particular). Then, he would have David Palmer killed, and blame the whole thing on him. Instead, they chose to stop the missile while Logan decides to take out Jack, a futile endeavor if ever there was one. I like to think that my idea would have made television history…which is why no network would ever, ever do it. Make the president a terrorist? Shame on you.

But that’s not exactly what Logan would be. He’s simply an opportunist, using people who are of no use to him (Bauer, Palmer) as an alibi for his own incompetence. They painted him as a snake from word one, so why not explore just how snakelike he could be? After all, he wouldn’t be the first, nor the last, president to exploit his supreme authority in order to save his ass.

The producers of “24” went a good length to make amends for last season’s finale tonight. The last line in my last blog was, “Next year, guys, you better start killing people again.” It appears that they were taking notes. In the opening sequence, President Palmer is assassinated, and Michelle Dessler (whose hair was curly again, after a season of being inexplicably straight) is taken out by a car bomb, and Tony Almeida is hanging on for dear life after running to find out what happened to Michelle. What do they all have in common? They’re three out of the four people who know that Jack Bauer is indeed not dead. The fourth, Chloe, was about a second and a half from turning the key in her car’s door lock, but Edgar filled her in just in time. She eluded the goons that were monitoring her “accident,” and called Jack, whose name is now Frank, a guy who works on oil rigs somewhere in California.

From there, lots and lots of stuff goes down, but we ended up with a hostage situation at Ontario airport (the one near Ryan Atwood’s old house in Chino, not the one in Canada), a First Lady that may or may not be nuts (her condition is cruelly but effectively exploited by someone close to President Logan), and an airport employee who swallows a suicide pill instead of talking to Jack. The scenes for next week’s episode indicate that Jack’s slate is wiped clean, as he’s helping CTU as an insider on the whole hostage thing, but aren’t the Chinese going to come calling soon? After all, they want Jack’s head, and the second that Logan knows that Bauer is still alive, he’s going to hand Jack over on a plate with the finest meats and cheeses that Wisconsin has to offer.

One other absurdly early prediction: Mike Novick gets whacked, likely by Walt. You heard it here first. But right now, all I want to know is how anyone knew to set up Bauer for the deaths of Palmer and Dessler. There’s a rat here, but who is it? I have a dark horse candidate, but I’ll keep my mouth shut on it for now. After all, I thought Audrey was in cahoots with the baddies last year, and we saw how that worked out.

And in other Baywatch news…

All you ladies out there can scream for joy once again as David Hasselhoff has filed for divorce! I dunno how the guy managed to make his second marriage last so long. What possesses a woman to wanna be married, nay, fall in love with, a guy who drove a talking car and demanded that Baywatch be more serious? Oh, and let’s not forget all those great rockin’ songs he’s lavished upon the Germans as well.

Still, those thirsty for new Knight Rider action will be happy to know that Hasselhoff is getting primed for a big screen version of the old show. Anything to keep that career alive in the US, right David?

Well, his breasts ARE tastier!

Oh, that Pam Anderson, always finding a way to put herself in the news when she feels no one’s staring at her anymore. Seems she’s gone off the deep end and has demanded that a bust of Colonel Sanders be removed from the state Capitol. Her jealousy raging over those succulent breasts with 11 secret herbs and spices, I can only imagine that she and the rest of the people backing this action are demanding separation of chicken and state (ba doom ching). She claims the bust is a “monument to cruelty.” How ironic, considering her bust is the exact same thing given how many times it’s changed over the years.

Stop the reissuing of “Planet of the Apes”; I wanna get off!

Actually, in this case, I’m half-tempted to sell the set I already own and buy this bad boy, which includes FOURTEEN DVDs. You’re looking at all 5 original “Apes” movies, the Tim Burton remake from a few years ago, the fourteen episodes of the “Planet of the Apes” TV series, and – for the first time ever on DVD – all thirteen episodes of the Saturday morning cartoon, “Return to the Planet of the Apes.” Hell, I never even SAW the cartoon!

Plus…it comes packaged like this:

Go Ape

Of course, even as a pre-order through Amazon, it’s still gonna be $125.99, so I’d have to take out a small loan to be able to afford it…and since I can’t conceive of anyone else in the country willing to sit through a marathon (though I do know a fellow in Saskatchewan who wouldn’t require much arm-twisting), it may never make it into my collection. Dammit.

Soderbergh seeks to sleep with fishes

Firing a shot across the Establishment’s bow, indie auteur Steven Soderbergh intends to broadcast his new movie, “Bubble,” on high-definition TV the same day it comes out in theaters (January 27), and release it on DVD just four days later. As a result, most major movie chains have refused to carry the film, not wishing to support a product that will appear in competing formats simultaneously.

Soderbergh is just giving people what they want…but that doesn’t mean the Hollywood Powers That Be won’t still try to make an example of him for messing with their revenue model.

Soderbergh’s plan is a victory for everyone who can’t make it to the movie theater as often as they would like (parents of young children, for example), or who have grown disillusioned with the rude behavior of their moviegoing peers. Under Soderbergh’s model, no one will have to wait weeks or months to view a new movie in the comfort of their own home, if that is how they would prefer to view it.

Will this model shrink the total revenue pie for movies released in this fashion? Most likely. Is it still a good idea? Yes, as long as the producers don’t mind giving up that revenue and alienating their distribution partners in the process.

Does Soderbergh stand a very good chance of being fitted for concrete shoes by the boys in the projection booth? Certainly not. Those union men are known to be delightfully easy to reason with, and not the least bit prone to violent outbursts of temper.

But Steve, you might want to bring a pair of water wings to that premiere, just in case.

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