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So you think your commute is long?

For those that missed the Emmys, here is the first part of the opening number, where host Conan O’Brien gets detoured on his way to the show.

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Remember, Tom Cruise wasn’t the only one in Stan Marsh’s closet.

John Kiss
“Kiss the pilot. It’s good luck, seriously.”

This photo (a “National Enquirer” cover), of course, could be nothing. I’ve kissed men after several drinks, but to the best of my knowledge, no one has accused me of being gay since I was in high school, and that was only because I listened to Duran Duran instead of AC/DC.

Maybe Travolta listens to Duran Duran, too.

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Nike to sign Team Aniston, Slim Shady

Nike is apparently on verge of signing its largest-ever celebrity endorsement deal with none other than America’s Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston. This announcement comes on the heels of news that Nike is also working with America’s Most Beloved Misogynist, Eminem, to design a series of limited-edition sneakers for charity. Presumably, Ms. Aniston and Mr. Shady will not be appearing in the same ads together.

Both endorsement deals seem to reflect an effort on Nike’s part to de-emphasize performance-focused messages (for while both Aniston and Mathers are fit, neither is known for his or her athletic prowess) in their advertising in favor of a more lifestyle and fashion-focused message.

It’s not entirely clear how these moves will mesh with the company’s age-old “Just Do It” tagline…but I’ll certainly check out whatever Aniston happens to be modeling once the ads hit the marketplace, and the strategy does seem a slightly smarter bet than the “Scarlett (hearts) Rbk” efforts over at Reebok.

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Rapid Fire Rejects, Volume IX

Love Comes to the Executioner
Darkly comical and featuring an interesting concept about a recent college graduate who takes up a job as The Closer at the local penitentiary where his older brother is on death row, the film still fails on multiple levels. The acting is horrible (with the lead actor doing his best Chris Klein impression) and the ending is a little too convenient.

The Zodiac
The epilogue to this direct-to-DVD feature about the infamous Zodiac Killer states that the killer’s last correspondence with police (in 1978) mentioned his desire to see a good movie made about him. Unfortunately, this isn’t it. Perhaps the big-budget version due out in early 2007 will fare better. Then again, it’s not like this story hasn’t been done before.

The Plague
Wanna prevent yourself from accidentally renting this movie the next time you’re browsing the “new releases” section at the video store? No problem. Just follow my foolproof plan to success. Step one: Find “The Plague” on DVD. Step two: Look at DVD and continue walking. Step three: Pick up “Village of the Damned” on DVD. Step four: Go to the checkout counter, pay for movie, go home and enjoy said DVD. Congratulations, you’ve just saved 90 minutes of your life.

Bottom’s Up
While it’s nice to see Jason Mewes working again, it’s a shame that he has to do so opposite Paris Hilton. The media queen is a horrible actress, and though she provides some nice eye candy every now and then, she just doesn’t cut it as a brunette.

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John Mayer explores Jessica Simpson’s “wonderland”

Sorry, Zach Braff. Better luck next time, Dane Cook. Thanks for playing, Jared Leto.

The new man in Jessica Simpson’s life appears to be none other than dorky singer-songwriter John Mayer…whose overall appeal (at least on the shiny surface beyond which we hadn’t thought Jessica capable of seeing) stacks up decidedly lower than that of her hunky, musclebound ex-husband Nick Lachey. Who woulda thunk it?

Oh well. At least Mayer was never in a boy band

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