Ah, the return of “American Idol.” You can almost smell the dysfunction in the air when you tune in to Fox on the third Tuesday in January. And that’s because every year the producers of the show try to out-drama the year before with some of the ridiculous contestants who get off thinking they can sing.
So last night the show kicked off, and before they got to the Minneapolis auditions, there were some self-serving moments of “Here’s what we’ve done for you.” And really, you can’t argue with the fact that the show has made stars out of average schmoes like Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks and Carrie Underwood. Hell, Jennifer Hudson may prove to be the biggest star of them all, and she didn’t even win “Idol.”
But back to the fun, and even though it’s at times painful watching these auditions, it’s definitely fun.
Guest judge Jewel didn’t really add much spice to the show, but she made a few contestants really nervous.
First of all, let’s note that out of 10,000 contestants in Minneapolis, only 17 made it to Hollywood. That means most of them can probably drive a snowmobile better than they can sing. But of the 17, the ones whose auditions they showed weren’t even that great. 16-year-old Denise Jackson, an admitted “crack baby,” was one of the best, with a voice that, once she reigns it in just a little, can go really far on the show.
Perla, the Hispanic chick who flirted with Ryan Seacrest (is it just me or does dude seem a bit desperate for a date?), was awful trying to sing Blondie, but when Randy Jackson prompted her to sing Shakira, it was like turning on a light switch.
Jerry, a Navy dude who won “Reagan Idol” on the USS Ronald Reagan ship, sang Rascal Flatts and was pretty damn good. Michelle, a 19-year-old blonde chick, obviously wanted to follow Carrie Underwood’s lead to Nashville, singing a Deana Carter song. She was just okay, but good enough to forge ahead to Hollywood.
Matt, a 16-year-old kid with a show choir background, sang “California Dreamin'” and there was something unique about him. He sang his ass off, but there was more than that to him and the judges saw it. Rachel Jenkins, whose husband is currently in Iraq and who works in her dad’s body shop and is also an Army reservist, also impressed. Finally, Sarah Kruger sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and while she was no Catherine McPhee, she did good enough to punch a ticket to Cali.
Okay, now for the bad ones:
Jessica, a make up artist at the Mall of America, is going back to her day job. Jewel is her idol so she was obviously nervous, but she sang through her nose so badly and was so out of key that it made everyone’s ears hurt. Still, she thought she was automatically going to the finals, and when the judges told her she sucked, cried like she just found out she had two days to live. Jessica, get OVER it.
Troy, going for what he called the “Urban Amish” look, admitted to never seeing the show. Come on dude, we all know that’s bullshit. Plus, you sucked. Then there was Charles Moody, dressed as Apollo Creed from “Rocky.” Here was an African American dude singing Italian opera for this audition. What’s wrong with this picture? Exactly.
Trista, the large woman whose claim to fame might be a dead-on impersonation of the Lion from the “Wizard of Oz,” was entertaining only because she kept incorporating that hilarious Lion-meets-Chewbacca noises into her song. I mean, that’s talent. Then vocal teacher Steven proved that you can make money as a vocal teacher in Minneapolis even if you can’t preach to the choir.
Dayna, whose boss flew her out to audition because he believed in her, found out that she sings a bit out of tune, and while the judges almost let her through when they met the boss, cooler heads prevailed.
As they usually save the craziest ones for later in the show, the grand finale began with Jason, who juggled while he sang. Dude could juggle, but he was an awful singer. Still, when he left the audition room, he started crying and saying that the judges hated him, taking personal shots at each one of them.
Brenna, who sang Queen’s “Under Pressure,” declared that she had a degree in vocal performance.
Boy, did it not show. She then asked the judges how she could improve, and Simon accurately replied, “Leave.”
After a tribute to Minneapolis native Prince, in which they showed most of the lousy contestants doing bits of Prince tunes, the last one they showed was Josh, who sang Fuel’s “Bad Day.”
Not only did he do this weird grungy imitative thing with his voice, but they asked him to sing Abba to see if he did that differently. And he didn’t. Imagine Shrek singing “Dancing Queen.”
So that’s it. Tonight’s Seattle auditions should hopefully display more talent, but there will likely be more drama as well. The moral to the story is this: folks, if you think you can sing, you probably can’t. But if you’re stupid enough to get in front of Simon Cowell, expect to be ridiculed.
Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t mention Paula Abdul once. She was noticeably tame, but we all know that can’t last. Welcome back, “American Idol,” and welcome back all of you for this long ride.
