Category: Scare of the Day (Page 4 of 7)

I’m always skeptical…as I think most everyone is…about films which feature a relatively big-name cast yet somehow never manage to get much in the way of a theatrical release. As soon as you see who’s in the film, you find yourself wondering what the studio felt was so inherently unmarketable about the movie that, even with several recognizable names in the credits, they could only just barely be arsed to get it into theaters.

“Rise” actually made its debut at the Tribeca Film Festival, which makes it sound considerably cooler than it actually is; the film might not have the biggest budget in the world, but it’s definitely the work of a big studio rather than an indie. It’s a darkly-lit tale of a reporter for the L.A. Weekly (Lucy Liu) who, as a result of her story on the gothic underground community of Los Angeles, ends up the victim of a bunch of actual vampires. As a result, she finds herself caught up in a strange world where the undead roam, getting their kicks by killing wantonly, and trying to figure out how she fits in…or if she even does.

Ever since “Jackie Brown,” I’ve maintained a rule of thumb which says that any film which includes an appearance by Robert Forster deserves a cursory viewing, even if he only appears for a minute and a half and spends all of that time trying to pick up a hooker in a bar. Now that I’ve seen “Rise,” I’ve attached a rider to that rule: any film which follows its Robert Forster appearance with an appearance by a topless, lingerie-wearing Cameron Richardson (“Point Pleasant”) gets bonus points. Unfortunately, despite a strong opening, what we have in “Rise” is a film which attempts to blend the traditional elements of a vampire movie with the noir stylings of a private-detective flick from the ‘40s and ‘50s yet ultimately falls apart due to slow pacing. Still, while Carla Gugino’s resume is far from flawless (we’ve got just six words to prove this: “Son in Law,” starring Pauly Shore), you can generally trust her to select interesting, creative material, and you can definitely see what intrigued her about this project, even if it probably didn’t turn out as successful as she probably hoped.

There’s a dream sequence which shows Lucy Liu’s character first discovering that she’s a vampire, and it opens with a decidedly claustrophobic scene where she realizes that she’s trapped inside a body locker within a morgue. In fact, the film frequently jumps into the past in its attempt to set the stage for how she got to be where she is while still keeping the action going in the present, but it’s more confusing than enlightening until you realize what’s going on. Still, Liu does manage to offer a decent amount of emotion during the scenes where she’s coming to grips with her new situation, particularly with her attempts to gradually bid farewell to her mother.

Michael Chiklis (“The Shield”) plays an alcoholic cop who finds himself caught up in Liu’s case while seeking revenge for his daughter, who’s apparently dead; he’s a tangential character at best until the last quarter of the film, but at that point, the proceedings pretty much turn into The Liu / Chiklis Show. “Rise” also marks the final motion picture appearance of Mako, who first came to cinematic prominence courtesy of his role in “The Sand Pebbles,” and while it’s not the most glorious final role he could’ve had, at least he goes down fighting. In fact, at about 45 minutes into the film, there’s a scene where Liu’s character shows visible frustration that her fight with Mako has been going on for so long, mostly to his unwillingness to just give up and concede defeat.

As it happens, I’m pretty sure I shared Liu’s expression a couple of times during the course of this 122-minute film. “Rise” certainly looks good, and it maintains a dark, creepy vibe throughout, but there are several scenes that creep by at a snail’s pace. Methinks we would’ve been better served if they’d tightened it up…by, say, trimming about 45 minutes…and used it as a pilot for a TV series. It would’ve been win/win for everyone: it’d almost certainly be better than “Moonlight,” and it would’ve been a much easier Lucy Liu series for a guy to admit to watching than the upcoming “Cashmere Mafia.”

Wow, dig that big-ass picture of Brad Pitt on the front cover of “Cutting Class,” the 1989 teen horror flick that provided Mr. Jolie with his first-ever leading role…or something approaching one, anyway. He’s actually third on the bill after Donovan Leitch and Jill Schoelen, but, hey, close enough. Still, what do you want to bet that he wasn’t as prominent on the original movie poster? (I couldn’t find a .jpg of it online, but the VHS release of the film at least offered equal space to pictures of Leitch and Schoelen as well.)

“Cutting Class” takes place in a high school full of stereotypical students and eccentric teachers, features a synth-heavy score and a soundtrack with several songs from Wall of Voodoo. Yep, sounds like an ‘80s film to me. In fact, there are several occasions when you get the very distinct impression that, at some point in the process of this film being pitched to the studios, someone used the phrase, “If John Hughes made a horror film…” Unfortunately, however, screenwriter Steve Slavkin is no John Hughes…and it shows. (He did, however, go on to write quite a few episodes of “Salute Your Shorts” for Nickelodeon, so it’s nice to know that he eventually found his niche.)

The flick revolves around three main characters: cheerleader Paula Carson (Schoelen), basketball star Dwight Ingalls (Pitt), and crazy guy Brian Woods (Leitch). We’re not talking “crazy” as in “wild and crazy,” by the way; we’re talking “just got released from a mental hospital after killing his dad” crazy. Brian’s got a crush on Paula, but Paula’s dating Dwight, so you know right away that this is definitely one of those love triangles that’s gonna end in a major slayfest. Added to the mix is the fact that Paula’s dad (Martin Mull) is the district attorney and was directly responsible for Brian being put away…so when Daddy goes on a hunting trip at the very beginning of the film and gets shot in the chest with an arrow, it looks juuuuuuust a little suspicious.

By the way, I hate to be Joe Spoiler, but in the interest of helping out anyone who may have just seen Martin Mull’s name and said, “Hey, I’ll watch anything that that guy’s in,” I should tell you that Mr. Mull gets almost no lines in the film. The majority of his time on screen occurs in conjunction with an excruciatingly unfunny running gag that literally lasts up until the credits roll, and it provides a closing joke that’s so terrible that it deserves to be followed by Patton Oswalt going, “Wackity smackity dooooooo!” Fortunately, getting more screen time is the late, great Roddy McDowall, who I still miss terribly to this day. (This was not long after his work in “Fright Night” and “Fright Night 2,” if you’re wondering.) He gets to have more fun than anyone else in the film, playing the lecherous principal who enjoys grabbing a peep at female students’ dainty underthings and scoring laughs every time he’s on the screen.

Pitt is the designated asshole of the film, but his greatest achievement is the introduction of what must surely be the most mood-killing thing ever to say to a woman who you’re trying to sleep with: while trying on her father’s clothes, he observes, “Your father’s a little bigger than I am…but, of course, I’m much bigger where it really counts.” Mind you, she’s not much better, coming back with the worst possible response to his amorous advances: “Not until your grades improve.” I’ve heard of conscientious girlfriends, but, wow, that’s one for the books. But, then, these are some really weird teenagers, anyway. They’re some seriously bold sons of bitches at this school, with Pitt heading to the front door of the school with a beer in his hand, only throwing it away at the last second, then having his friends come up a few minutes later, yelling about how they should all just go get more beer. So, what, was the drinking age still 18, or are they just unapologetic alcoholics? Also, Schoelen’s character is about as wishy-washy as they get. “Gosh, they gave me this key to the school files because I’m trustworthy! But ‘cause you’re hot, Brad Pitt, I’ll let you break in and look at the file of another student.” I’ve known some bad-asses in my time, but I’ve never known anyone who, for kicks, decided to break into their school and look at people’s permanent records.

Despite the amusement I might’ve had writing this entry, “Cutting Class” was a film that desperately needed to cut to the chase. It never seems to know if it wants to be a horror film, a comedy, or a teen drama, and none of the three aspects ever prove terribly interesting; the film drags throughout, to the point where, during the climactic metal shop duel, you’re begging for it to come to rapid conclusion. I’m in no way surprised that there are absolutely no special features on this DVD; I can’t imagine anyone in the cast or crew had any real interest in revisiting it. If Brad Pitt hadn’t been in “Cutting Class,” we’d probably have forgotten all about it by now. As it is, there isn’t even a trailer for the flick on YouTube…but as a substitute, here’s a Pringles commercial Mr. Pitt did right around the same time:

Hey, kids! Who wants to see a crappy sequel to a crappy film remake? “Sign me up,” you say…? Awesome. Then you can totally have my copy of “Return to House on Haunted Hill,” because it sucks ass.

I’m not looking to be overly critical here – honest, I’m not – but, hand on heart, the film was so God-awful boring and filled to the brim with cliché-ridden dialogue that I actually briefly fell asleep somewhere around the 20-minute mark and had to be roused by my wife. (This event would recur at least two more times before the end of the 81-minute film.)

The only person brave enough to return from the original film is Jeffrey Combs, who reprises his role of Dr. Richard Benjamin Vannacutt, the decidedly deceased former head of the Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute for the Criminally Insane, now otherwise known as the House on Haunted Hill. Given Combs’ history in the horror and sci-fi genres, we wouldn’t begin to begrudge him the paycheck, but it’s only fair to note that when he’s the biggest name in a film, it’s not what you’d call a great sign. Cast-wise, it’s also a major, major comedown from the first film, which starred Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Peter Gallagher, Chris Kattan, Ali Larter, and Bridgette Wilson.

The lead character this time around is Ariel Wolfe (Amanda Righetti), whose sister, Sara, was in the original film, played by Larter. Ariel’s the ballbusting editor of a fashion magazine, but she becomes a caring sister about, oh, maybe five seconds after finding out that Sara’s killed herself. (Bad timing, that.) As it turns out, however, it wasn’t actually suicide; Sara was murdered by someone looking for access to something called the Baphomet Idol, which Dr. Vannacutt referenced in his journals.

God, y’know, I’m sorry, but I’m bored just talking about this film, so I’m just gonna cut to the chase here: this entire film exists solely to get some more people back into the house, so they can get killed. The dialogue is so bad that it makes me want to write a film script, because, damn, come on, I can write better lines than…

* “I think I’m losing my mind.”
* “They say the ghosts of the people who died here still haunt this house.”
* “What are you saying, that someone killed my sister?” “All I’m saying is…be careful.”

The only thing this film has going for it at all are the special effects; it isn’t until almost the 30-minute mark that they really kick in, and they’re not really that great when they do. (Oh, wait, I just remembered that the film has one other thing going for it: lesbian ghosts. But they’re only for one scene…dammit.) The sound mix on the DVD is really the only thing that makes the film even remotely scary, as it provides the sounds of doors slamming and machines creaking in different speakers.

I did, at least, come up with a new entry for Roger Ebert’s Little Movie Glossary while watching this film: when there’s a knock on a closed door and the person who goes to open it is addressing the person on the other side, the person on the other side is invariably not who they thought they were addressing.

If this entry already exists, however, please don’t tell me; I’d hate to think the entire experience of watching “Return to House on Haunted Hill was in vain.

P.S. As I struggled to stay awake for the last few minutes, I leaned over to my wife and said, “Okay, well, there’s the ending, so now all we need is the tacked-on scene to provide the link to the sequel to the sequel.” But we didn’t get it. Instead, it went to the credits, and I did NOT let the door hit me on the ass on the way out. As it turns out, however, if you watched beyond the credits, that’s where the scene resides. So be prepared for that sequel to the sequel after all…and be prepared for it to suck even more ass than this one did.

Call me cynical, but from my experience, it’s reasonable to be skeptical of the quality of any motion picture which features the words “MTV Presents” above the title. It’s all fine and well that MTV Films has brought us quality comedies like “Election,” “Orange County,” and “Napoleon Dynamite” over the years, but they’re still responsible for the bad movie trifecta of “Joe’s Apartment,” “Pootie Tang,” and the Britney Spears vehicle, “Crossroads,” and even releasing “Hustle and Flow” ain’t gonna wipe away sins like those.

In the case of “Beneath,” though, I have to admit that the imprint’s first-ever horror flick is more successful than I ever would’ve expected. Now, normally, I’d just chalk it up to the fact that I went into the film with really low expectations…but, no, I was legitimately sucked into the proceedings.

Nora Zehetner, who played the highly persuasive Eden McCain on “Heroes,” is Christy, a girl who lost her sister, Vanessa (Carly Pope), in a car accident when she was a teenager. Well, actually, Christy didn’t lose her in the accident; Vanessa suffered 3rd degree burns all over her body as a result of being trapped in the flaming wreckage, eventually succumbing to them…or did she?!? Given that Christy had a nervous breakdown at Vanessa’s funeral when she became convinced that her sister was still alive within the coffin, we’re left to suspect that perhaps she didn’t. Now, Christy is 20, and although she’s taking prescriptions to combat the psychological scars that remain from her sister’s death, she’s having strange visions which make her more certain that Vanessa’s demise was hastened by someone else.

Since we’re dealing with a 2007 release, I’m not going to dive quite so deep into the plot of “Beneath” as I have with some of the other flicks I’ve been discussing. I will, however, say that Zehetner is the perfect lead for this flick, looking just doe-eyed and innocent enough for you to feel for her while still coming off crazy enough for you to be uncertain as to whether her visions are real or not. The film does drag a little in its middle third, but it starts intriguingly and has a power-packed finish with a shocking moment in the last few minutes that actually succeeded in catching me by surprise. In short, if you can hang on through the slow bits, you’ll get your pay-off.

I don’t want to play “Beneath” up as the best horror film of the year or anything (though by clocking it at a mere 81 minutes, it may yet prove to be the shortest), but it’s another entry into the field of films that try to be scary without being gory, and given that we’re mere days away from being hit with “Saw IV,” surely that alone is worthy of a certain amount of applause.