Category: Reviews (Page 96 of 120)

From a cabin in the woods to a cabin in the desert: yes, that’s just the kind of scary-movie variety we offer you here at Premium Hollywood, folks.

“Buried Alive” is an offering from Dimension Films’ new horror imprint, Dimension Extreme. The film is directed by Robert Kurtzman, who also helmed “Wishmaster,” but he’s far better known for his work as a special effects and makeup artist; given how boring much of this particular entry in his filmography tends to be, he’d perhaps be wise to keep his day job.

The basic plot of the film involves a bunch of college kids who head out to what’s referred to as a “remote desert cabin” but which looks like it was just furnished by a professional decorator about a week before they arrived. The reason for the trip revolves around Zane (Terence Jay) wanting to find out more about his great-grandfather and, more specifically, what happened to all the gold he was supposed to have had. Zane grabs his best bud, Danny (Steve Sandvoss), his cousin Rene (Leah Rachel), and the two pledges from her sorority, both of whom are wearing tight, skimpy animal costumes – one’s a dog, the other’s a cow – as part of their initiation ritual. Also on the trip is the geeky, Moe-haircut-sporting Phil, who, had this film been made 25 years ago, would’ve been played by Eddie Deezen; he’s got a speech tic which causes him to repeat things constantly, and it gets old really quickly, but the others have to put up with him because Phil’s the guy who does all the research and reveals that Zane’s grandfather may have buried his first wife alive in order to steal her family’s gold.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that there are quite a few bare breasts and nekkid asses in the film, given that the characters are actually described on the back of the box as “lustful college friends.” Zane’s constantly flirting with his cousin, but that doesn’t stop him from having a quickie with the blonde pledge, who’s so stereotypically blonde that she’s convinced that the stuffed rabbit with antlers that she comes across– it’s a jackalope, if you aren’t familiar with the breed – is alive. (“You know, there’s a rabbit over there you can walk right up to and pet…and it stands so still!”) Danny is also trolling for poontang, but given that his idea of a pick-up line is “I feel like I could fuck a buffalo,” the only reason to suspect that he’s ever going to get lucky is that his only real competition is Phil.

Oh, sorry, did I slip into discussing the non-horror elements of “Buried Alive” too much? Well, that’s to be expected, given how often the film makes the wrongheaded decision to focus on conversations between the brain-dead teenagers over the ghost of Zane’s great-grandmother, who haunts the family cabin. Poor Phil gets split down the middle with an axe when he goes outside to see if he can get a signal on his cell phone, and the others end up leaving him out there by himself for, like, eight hours…or maybe it just felt like eight hours. When you’re forced to listen to God-awful lines like, “There’s a strange feel to this place, like we’re being watched,” time all but stands still, especially when the film is structured so that it’s scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, rinse, repeat.

In a roster of virtual unknowns, Tobin Bell is the “big name” of the cast, best known for playing Jigsaw in the “Saw” films. He plays Lester, a grumpy and slightly crazy taxidermist who serves as caretaker for the cabin, and it may not surprise you that Bell proves to be the best part of the movie. Lester’s the kind of guy who loves to bitch about city slickers and their fancy book learnin’, but he also likes sneaking up on dumb-ass teenagers and scaring the shit out of them, so he’s got that in his favor. Too bad he’s only in the movie for maybe ten minutes, total.

I hear from David Medsker that Dimension Extreme’s other recent DVD release, “Black Sheep,” is a great flick to sit back, get drunk, and laugh at….and, coincidentally enough, so’s “Buried Alive.” Unfortunately, in the case of “Buried Alive,” I don’t think it was supposed to be funny. Based on the name of the imprint, however, it was, however, supposed to be extreme….but the nudity isn’t that significant, the scares aren’t that scary, and the gore ain’t that gory.

God, I hope I can find something…anything…better than this to watch tomorrow.

Sadly, I could find no trailer for “Buried Alive” on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle for the heavy metal band Venom performing a song entitled “Buried Alive.”

A cabin. Why did it have to be a cabin?

Today, I decided to finally try and get a jump on my Scare of the Day and not wait until the last possible second to write it. You may or may not have noticed a trend in recent days for my postings to show up about as close to the end of the day as one could possibly cut it…we’re talking in the 11 PM area…and, frankly, I’m getting tired of staying up so damned late. I went over to the big honking pile of horror DVDs that I’ve still got to choose from, and I started flipping through the options available to me, trying to figure out what the scare du jour would be. As I glanced at the descriptions on the backs of the various boxes, I noticed just how many of these flicks involve a cabin in the woods. I know it’s a staple of the horror genre for people to go out to an isolated shanty for fun and relaxation but instead meet with an untimely death, but it’s getting a little played out lately.

In the case of “Blood Trails,” I’m pleased to reveal that, although the main characters do indeed head off for a romantic escape to the mountains, the cabin where they’re staying barely comes into play. No, their problems kick in when they decide to hit the bike trails.

The back-cover blurb describes the plot of the film thusly: “Feeling guilty for having had a drunken one-night stand with a stranger, Anne proposes a romantic escape to the mountains with her boyfriend, Michael. The fresh air and scene beauty do wonders for the couple as they sail down the bike trails of the exotic mountain range…until the stranger from that night appears…killing Michael and beginning his deadly pursuit of Anne!” (Don’t blame me for the spoiler about Michael getting killed off; it’s right there on the back of the box for everyone to see, so go yell at whoever writes the text for Lionsgate’s DVD releases.)

The biking aspect of the film particularly caught my eye, if only because I can’t think of any occasion where biking has had any real part in a horror film, and it’s used to great effect on a couple of occasions. The most consistent usage occurs during Anne’s attempts to escape from her pursuer; watching her speeding down the bike trails is visually captivating, with the camera following both her tortured expression and her frantic pedaling. There’s another big bike moment, however, and I could be wrong, but I just have this feeling that someone came up with the idea for this moment first, then proceeded to write an entire film around it.

So what’s the moment…?

Okay, I haven’t been doing this a lot in my Scare of the Day write-ups, but I’m doing it today: I’m calling a spoiler alert. If you don’t want to know about the moment in question, then…well, I guess we’ll see you tomorrow.

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I’m always skeptical…as I think most everyone is…about films which feature a relatively big-name cast yet somehow never manage to get much in the way of a theatrical release. As soon as you see who’s in the film, you find yourself wondering what the studio felt was so inherently unmarketable about the movie that, even with several recognizable names in the credits, they could only just barely be arsed to get it into theaters.

“Rise” actually made its debut at the Tribeca Film Festival, which makes it sound considerably cooler than it actually is; the film might not have the biggest budget in the world, but it’s definitely the work of a big studio rather than an indie. It’s a darkly-lit tale of a reporter for the L.A. Weekly (Lucy Liu) who, as a result of her story on the gothic underground community of Los Angeles, ends up the victim of a bunch of actual vampires. As a result, she finds herself caught up in a strange world where the undead roam, getting their kicks by killing wantonly, and trying to figure out how she fits in…or if she even does.

Ever since “Jackie Brown,” I’ve maintained a rule of thumb which says that any film which includes an appearance by Robert Forster deserves a cursory viewing, even if he only appears for a minute and a half and spends all of that time trying to pick up a hooker in a bar. Now that I’ve seen “Rise,” I’ve attached a rider to that rule: any film which follows its Robert Forster appearance with an appearance by a topless, lingerie-wearing Cameron Richardson (“Point Pleasant”) gets bonus points. Unfortunately, despite a strong opening, what we have in “Rise” is a film which attempts to blend the traditional elements of a vampire movie with the noir stylings of a private-detective flick from the ‘40s and ‘50s yet ultimately falls apart due to slow pacing. Still, while Carla Gugino’s resume is far from flawless (we’ve got just six words to prove this: “Son in Law,” starring Pauly Shore), you can generally trust her to select interesting, creative material, and you can definitely see what intrigued her about this project, even if it probably didn’t turn out as successful as she probably hoped.

There’s a dream sequence which shows Lucy Liu’s character first discovering that she’s a vampire, and it opens with a decidedly claustrophobic scene where she realizes that she’s trapped inside a body locker within a morgue. In fact, the film frequently jumps into the past in its attempt to set the stage for how she got to be where she is while still keeping the action going in the present, but it’s more confusing than enlightening until you realize what’s going on. Still, Liu does manage to offer a decent amount of emotion during the scenes where she’s coming to grips with her new situation, particularly with her attempts to gradually bid farewell to her mother.

Michael Chiklis (“The Shield”) plays an alcoholic cop who finds himself caught up in Liu’s case while seeking revenge for his daughter, who’s apparently dead; he’s a tangential character at best until the last quarter of the film, but at that point, the proceedings pretty much turn into The Liu / Chiklis Show. “Rise” also marks the final motion picture appearance of Mako, who first came to cinematic prominence courtesy of his role in “The Sand Pebbles,” and while it’s not the most glorious final role he could’ve had, at least he goes down fighting. In fact, at about 45 minutes into the film, there’s a scene where Liu’s character shows visible frustration that her fight with Mako has been going on for so long, mostly to his unwillingness to just give up and concede defeat.

As it happens, I’m pretty sure I shared Liu’s expression a couple of times during the course of this 122-minute film. “Rise” certainly looks good, and it maintains a dark, creepy vibe throughout, but there are several scenes that creep by at a snail’s pace. Methinks we would’ve been better served if they’d tightened it up…by, say, trimming about 45 minutes…and used it as a pilot for a TV series. It would’ve been win/win for everyone: it’d almost certainly be better than “Moonlight,” and it would’ve been a much easier Lucy Liu series for a guy to admit to watching than the upcoming “Cashmere Mafia.”

Wow, dig that big-ass picture of Brad Pitt on the front cover of “Cutting Class,” the 1989 teen horror flick that provided Mr. Jolie with his first-ever leading role…or something approaching one, anyway. He’s actually third on the bill after Donovan Leitch and Jill Schoelen, but, hey, close enough. Still, what do you want to bet that he wasn’t as prominent on the original movie poster? (I couldn’t find a .jpg of it online, but the VHS release of the film at least offered equal space to pictures of Leitch and Schoelen as well.)

“Cutting Class” takes place in a high school full of stereotypical students and eccentric teachers, features a synth-heavy score and a soundtrack with several songs from Wall of Voodoo. Yep, sounds like an ‘80s film to me. In fact, there are several occasions when you get the very distinct impression that, at some point in the process of this film being pitched to the studios, someone used the phrase, “If John Hughes made a horror film…” Unfortunately, however, screenwriter Steve Slavkin is no John Hughes…and it shows. (He did, however, go on to write quite a few episodes of “Salute Your Shorts” for Nickelodeon, so it’s nice to know that he eventually found his niche.)

The flick revolves around three main characters: cheerleader Paula Carson (Schoelen), basketball star Dwight Ingalls (Pitt), and crazy guy Brian Woods (Leitch). We’re not talking “crazy” as in “wild and crazy,” by the way; we’re talking “just got released from a mental hospital after killing his dad” crazy. Brian’s got a crush on Paula, but Paula’s dating Dwight, so you know right away that this is definitely one of those love triangles that’s gonna end in a major slayfest. Added to the mix is the fact that Paula’s dad (Martin Mull) is the district attorney and was directly responsible for Brian being put away…so when Daddy goes on a hunting trip at the very beginning of the film and gets shot in the chest with an arrow, it looks juuuuuuust a little suspicious.

By the way, I hate to be Joe Spoiler, but in the interest of helping out anyone who may have just seen Martin Mull’s name and said, “Hey, I’ll watch anything that that guy’s in,” I should tell you that Mr. Mull gets almost no lines in the film. The majority of his time on screen occurs in conjunction with an excruciatingly unfunny running gag that literally lasts up until the credits roll, and it provides a closing joke that’s so terrible that it deserves to be followed by Patton Oswalt going, “Wackity smackity dooooooo!” Fortunately, getting more screen time is the late, great Roddy McDowall, who I still miss terribly to this day. (This was not long after his work in “Fright Night” and “Fright Night 2,” if you’re wondering.) He gets to have more fun than anyone else in the film, playing the lecherous principal who enjoys grabbing a peep at female students’ dainty underthings and scoring laughs every time he’s on the screen.

Pitt is the designated asshole of the film, but his greatest achievement is the introduction of what must surely be the most mood-killing thing ever to say to a woman who you’re trying to sleep with: while trying on her father’s clothes, he observes, “Your father’s a little bigger than I am…but, of course, I’m much bigger where it really counts.” Mind you, she’s not much better, coming back with the worst possible response to his amorous advances: “Not until your grades improve.” I’ve heard of conscientious girlfriends, but, wow, that’s one for the books. But, then, these are some really weird teenagers, anyway. They’re some seriously bold sons of bitches at this school, with Pitt heading to the front door of the school with a beer in his hand, only throwing it away at the last second, then having his friends come up a few minutes later, yelling about how they should all just go get more beer. So, what, was the drinking age still 18, or are they just unapologetic alcoholics? Also, Schoelen’s character is about as wishy-washy as they get. “Gosh, they gave me this key to the school files because I’m trustworthy! But ‘cause you’re hot, Brad Pitt, I’ll let you break in and look at the file of another student.” I’ve known some bad-asses in my time, but I’ve never known anyone who, for kicks, decided to break into their school and look at people’s permanent records.

Despite the amusement I might’ve had writing this entry, “Cutting Class” was a film that desperately needed to cut to the chase. It never seems to know if it wants to be a horror film, a comedy, or a teen drama, and none of the three aspects ever prove terribly interesting; the film drags throughout, to the point where, during the climactic metal shop duel, you’re begging for it to come to rapid conclusion. I’m in no way surprised that there are absolutely no special features on this DVD; I can’t imagine anyone in the cast or crew had any real interest in revisiting it. If Brad Pitt hadn’t been in “Cutting Class,” we’d probably have forgotten all about it by now. As it is, there isn’t even a trailer for the flick on YouTube…but as a substitute, here’s a Pringles commercial Mr. Pitt did right around the same time: