If you’re not a pal o’ mine over at MySpace, then you didn’t see this little piece I originally posted over there. Anyway, this seems like the more fitting joint to lay it down, so I give to you, dear readers, my very own top five list of my least favorite movies of all time. Feel free to disagree, though I can’t see why you’d want to. (Note: I’ve changed my original 5th place flick.)
5. “Eraserhead”. I used to think David Lynch was super-cool back in my high school days (i.e., 14+ years ago). I enjoyed “Blue Velvet” and even “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me”, and a couple others. But not even in my biggest fanboy days did I ever enjoy “Eraserhead”. It’s one of those cult movies that doesn’t deserve its cult. Actually, I can’t even stand Lynch anymore, save for the original “Twin Peaks” TV series. When you’re in high school, weird for weird’s sake is pretty cool at times, but once you get older and grumpier, you get tired of watching abstract wanking. “Lost Highway” was a wretched piece of poo, and “Mulholland Drive” wasn’t far behind. Let’s face it: there have been much better and weirder flicks in either commercial or indie styles to have come along and completely blown Lynch out of his own water, so I just say, “Please, Dave, no more nuttiness. Do a romantic comedy with Fran Drescher.”
4. “The Majestic”. In which Jim Carrey punishes us all for liking his funny movies by agreeing to star in a completely life-draining piece of sap. Why is that comedic actors always go through a “I’m a serious actor!” phase? I’ll give props to Jimbo for his work in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, but he almost lost me completely after this disaster. It was even sadder to see his character in “Bruce Almighty” unironically bitch about wanting to be taken seriously. That’s the kind of second-grade pandering that people should just immediately throw popcorn and flat soda at. Dammit, I still think the second “Ace Ventura” movie is funny, as well as “The Cable Guy”. There’s no excuse for “The Majestic”, though, just like there’s no excuse for Adam Sandler to still be making movies after his first two.
3. “The Blair Witch Project”. The biggest ripoff of all time if you went into this thinking it was real. I hadn’t, having read an article about it a month before its premiere in Rolling Stone. What sounded really interesting on paper turned out to be one of the dullest, uninspired pieces of celluloid that for some reason still gets praised for its originality and “scares.” Whatever. There aren’t any scares, period. The folks who say it’s what you can’t see that’s scary are just pussies when it comes to gore and traditional scary flicks. Dammit, “Seven” was a scary movie, and that was a crime thriller, for God’s sake! So don’t gimme any reasons why this was scary. Especially when the dialogue is nothing but a bunch of “fuck you”s strung together, as well as people bitching about maps, cigarettes, and most importantly, getting that equipment back to the school! I’m just glad these heather, Josh, and Mike all got killed in the end. I was glad they wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore with their hysterics. The audience I was in laughed during the movie and booed the screen when it was all over, and rightfully so. As for the sequel, I actually preferred it. Evryone else hated it, natch, because it was just a regular ol’ horror flick. But I’ll take boobies and blood any day over dough faced Heather and hippie Josh. Word is Sanchez and Myrick are working up the Bore Witch prequel (they had nothing to do with “Book of Shadows”). Too late, guys. Everyone’s moved on.
2. “The Ghosts of Edendale”. I’ll bet you haven’t even ever heard of this disaster. Lucky you if you haven’t. This is Stefan Avalos’ followup to his successful, funny, and downright creepy “The Last Broadcast”, which came out before “The Blair Witch Project” and saw many of its core elements “borrowed” for the latter. Avalos likes to work within the digital genre of filmmaking, which basically means he spends a lot of his own dough making flicks on his desktop computer. This worked magnificently for “The Last Broadcast”‘s documentary-type feel, but for “The Ghosts of Edendale”, it just makes it feel like a porn flick. There’s even a semi sex scene here that’s well worth passing over. The dialogue is crap, the acting and actors are completely wooden, and the “effects” are hilariously bad. Think of it as the visual equivalent of an old Casio keyboard. Somehow, Warner Brothers decided to distribute this movie on DVD. Trust me, you won’t even make it past 30 minutes of this snorefest. The funniest thing on the DVD is Avalos’ commentary, in which he pats himself on the back for staring a scene with a shot of the back of main community center actor Stephen Wastell. Ooh yeah, Stefan, that is amazing indeed. Zzzzz.
1. “Last Days”. The fine folks at Bullz-Eye itself gave this a really bad review, so I just had to see for myself. I would have given this crapper no stars had I reviewed it. Gus Van Sant takes us on a mind numbing voyage with “Blake,” the Bizarro World version of Kurt Cobain, since he couldn’t secure the rights to Cobain’s own story. But you’ll see Blake walk around stones on smack, mumbling while other characters flit around doing nothing. Van Sant tortures us not only with this but also with long drawn out scenes that go nowhere. Case in point, when Blake first cranks up his guitar and lays down a multi-tracked tune on his own. It must go on for five minutes, all the while the camera slowly pulls back farther and farther from Blake’s house. Ugh. I never again want to hear how The Beatles’ “Magical Mystery Tour” is boring and how nothing happens in it. At least you had The Beatles goofing off in that. This has literally nothing, and why anyone associated with it wanted to be associated with it is beyond me. Poor Asia Argento.
