Category: Movies (Page 444 of 498)

Angelina shrugged…


“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

…and said, “Sure, I’ll take the lead role in one of the most daunting book-to-film translations of all time. Piece of cake. Why not?”

The translation in question is none other than “Atlas Shrugged,” the sprawling, 1200-page epic penned by Objectivist author Ayn Rand back in 1957. Panned by some as an ode to selfishness, while lauded by others as a piercing indictment of communism and the welfare state, the book explores a future in which the nation’s greatest thinkers, artists and industrialists voluntarily withdraw their talents from public access — forcing the “little people” to fumble along without them.

According to a joint survey conducted by the Library of Congress and the Book of the Month Club, “Atlas Shrugged” is “the second most influential book for Americans today.”

Second only to what, you ask? The Bible. How’s that for high stakes?

And yet, if anyone can pull off the role of a woman dedicated to promoting “rational self-interest” above all else without coming off like a right-wing harpy…it’s probably the same woman who can steal the Sexiest Man Alive from America’s Sweetheart and, due largely to her significant humanitarian efforts, still come out of it smelling like a rose.

Good luck, Angelina. Don’t screw this up.

Rapid Fire Rejects, Volume X

Guys and Balls
The following conversation occurred when a press release for the new comedy appeared in my inbox:

“I’ll check this out. It could be funny.”
“For real?”
“Sure, I’ll give anything about soccer a chance… even if it’s about gay German soccer.”

Unfortunately, it’s not very funny, and there isn’t quite enough soccer to warrant anyone not from the LGBT community to give this a shot.

8th and Ocean: The Complete First Season
This may just be the dumbest show on television. Ten superficial models lay around their free apartments in Miami, Florida bitching about the following “problems”:

1. I’m too skinny
2. I have acne, and my twin sister doesn’t
3. I’m so good looking, I can have any girl I want
4. I can’t take off my bra during a shoot, or Jesus might find out

Boo-hoo. What can only be described as “The Real World: Laguna Beach” (in other words, it takes the worst parts of both shows – which is pretty much everything), “8th & Ocean” may be appealing to teenage girls curious about the modeling business, but any other self-respecting person would never tune in to this garbage.

Windy City Heat
Dubbed by many as one of the funniest movies ever made, this Comedy Central production about an elaborate prank on wannabe actor Perry Caravello is one of the absolute worst “comedies” that I’ve ever been forced to sit through. Do people really find an untalented, overweight schmuck screaming like a banshee for 90 minutes hilarious? That’s just sad. Very, very sad.

Love For Rent
Oh gawd, just what we didn’t need: another lost-in-translation love story about a poor Latin girl who falls for a rich American guy. Don’t watch this film. Instead, go rent “Love Actually” or “Spanglish.”

DVD shuffle: 09/26/06

Out on DVD this week:

1) The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – RENT: No one makes a more enjoyable popcorn flick than the import racing franchise. Plus, there are lots of hot Japanese girls to oogle at.

2) The Lake House – PASS: Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves fall in love… two years apart. How fascinating! Actually, no, not at all.

3) Curious George – RENT: Kids are going to love this full-length feature about the troublesome monkey, but adults may find it a bit too – what’s the word – childish.

Also out on DVD this week are a couple indies (“Down in the Valley,” “Notorious Bettie Page”), a few horror reissues (“A Nightmare on Elm Street,” “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”) and new TV season sets of “The Batman,” “Teen Titans” and “One Tree Hill.”

Box Office Roundup: “People don’t mature anymore. They stay jackasses all their lives.”

Props to “She’s Having a Baby” for the quote.

Based on Sunday’s estimates, courtesy of boxofficemojo.com:

1) Jackass: Number Two: $28.1 million (first week)
Six inches away from being Steve-O’s snuff film.
2) Jet Li’s Fearless: $10.6 million (first week)
Say hello and wave goodbye to Jet Li, everyone.
3) Gridiron Gang: $9.6 million ($27.2 million, second week)
We just don’t care about this one enough to waste the energy on coming up with a good zinger.
4) Flyboys: $6.0 million (first week)
And now we know exactly what kind of clout the phrase “From the producer of ‘Independence Day’ and ‘The Patriot’ holds: none.
5) Everyone’s Hero: $4.8 million ($11.6 million, second week)
Brilliant, put out a baseball movie when 90% of the teams are eliminated from the post-season.

Most Unintentionally Funny Headline of the Week: Last week, after “Gridiron Gang” took the top spot at the box office, Sony Pictures sent out a note saying that they have racked up ten #1 openings in 2006, more than any studio in history. The funny part comes in looking at the list of the other nine movies.

The Da Vinci Code
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
The Pink Panther
RV
Silent Hill
Click
The Covenant
Underworld: Evolution
When a Stranger Calls

That’s about the shittiest list of #1 movies you could ever hope to assemble one or two excepted. Congrats, Sony. You make crap movies. And congrats, moviegoing public, for making those movies hits and encouraging Sony to make more of them. We’re doomed.

Black + Snake + Moan = trip to Sundance

Okay, you YouTube armchair directors: time to show what you’re made of. You just might win a trip to Sundance for your efforts.

Here’s the deal: Make your own trailer for the movie “Black Snake Moan,” starring Christina Ricci, Samuel L. Jackson and Justin Timberlake, and if yours is selected, you win a free trip to the Sundance Film Festival. For rules and other contest info, click here. Good luck.

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